The Breaking Point
Here is something that is becoming crystal clear: you can't "make" someone do something, no matter how much you want them to or feel they need to. You can only decide what you will and will not do yourself (aka "boundaries").
The other day I communicated to my son that he can't just free-load off us. That many adult children pay rent, or contribute to the running of the household in some way. He says he does intend on getting a job (intending & getting are 2 different things, IMO), but he doesn't feel he should pay rent! Of course, unless I garnish his wages I can't extract that $ from him, can I? And his take on "doing stuff" is that it's "his choice" whether or not he wants to or will do it. Again, there is no actual way I can "make" him do anything. Is this fair to me? Of course not.
Along the same lines, I can't "make" my H look for a real, full-time job. I can't "make" him take that part-time job that was offered to him. I can't "make" him take full responsibility for the housework even when he is home full time. I can't make him stop spending money (though I have advised him, "don't spend any money this week!" because there is NOTHING left right now). I can't make him stop being clingy (though I am really hating it right now). Again: fair to me? No.
What my actual problem is, is that I've been picking up the slack. I've been doing stuff for the family in the name of service, because "that's what a good mother does" or because "a wife is a helper to her husband." And this stuff is things they are perfectly capable of doing, and doing it for them has done them no favors. All it's accomplished is putting the entire burden (of making ends meet, of keeping the entire house in order) on my shoulders. And I'm stressed out. I wake up in the morning & my jaw is clamped tightly shut. I can't get enough sleep. I feel resentful & I don't want to feel that way. I'm sure my blood pressure is not where it should be.
So I'm reaching a crossroads. I'm realizing that although I can't force anyone to do anything, I can decide whether or not I want to continue providing services or not. Not that I'm not willing to do my fair share, because I am. I guess I need to decide what exactly it is that I am and am not responsible for--what I will do & what I will not do. And: I need to communicate that.
The other day I communicated to my son that he can't just free-load off us. That many adult children pay rent, or contribute to the running of the household in some way. He says he does intend on getting a job (intending & getting are 2 different things, IMO), but he doesn't feel he should pay rent! Of course, unless I garnish his wages I can't extract that $ from him, can I? And his take on "doing stuff" is that it's "his choice" whether or not he wants to or will do it. Again, there is no actual way I can "make" him do anything. Is this fair to me? Of course not.
Along the same lines, I can't "make" my H look for a real, full-time job. I can't "make" him take that part-time job that was offered to him. I can't "make" him take full responsibility for the housework even when he is home full time. I can't make him stop spending money (though I have advised him, "don't spend any money this week!" because there is NOTHING left right now). I can't make him stop being clingy (though I am really hating it right now). Again: fair to me? No.
What my actual problem is, is that I've been picking up the slack. I've been doing stuff for the family in the name of service, because "that's what a good mother does" or because "a wife is a helper to her husband." And this stuff is things they are perfectly capable of doing, and doing it for them has done them no favors. All it's accomplished is putting the entire burden (of making ends meet, of keeping the entire house in order) on my shoulders. And I'm stressed out. I wake up in the morning & my jaw is clamped tightly shut. I can't get enough sleep. I feel resentful & I don't want to feel that way. I'm sure my blood pressure is not where it should be.
So I'm reaching a crossroads. I'm realizing that although I can't force anyone to do anything, I can decide whether or not I want to continue providing services or not. Not that I'm not willing to do my fair share, because I am. I guess I need to decide what exactly it is that I am and am not responsible for--what I will do & what I will not do. And: I need to communicate that.
Replies
YES YOU DO BECAUSE YOU ARE LIKE A BALLON READY TO BURST, SIT DOWN AND TELL THEM, PLEASE DON\'T KEEP IT, IT WILL HURT YOUR HEALTH, THEY NEED TO HELP YOU AND DO THEIR PART, FAMILY ITS MADE OF ALL MEMBERS NOT ONE DOING FOR ALL, SO SORRY YOU ARE FELING SO BAD, YOU NEED TO ASK THEM FOR HELP AND YOUR H SHOULD TAKE THE JOB, WITH THE FINANCIAL SITUATION, ITS A BLESSING JUST TO HAVE A JOB, BLESSINGS DEAR FRIEND ,LOVE L****
Rest assured, Lucy, I will be talking to them. Right now I\'m at a point of defining what I truly am willing & not willing to do. Once I have that straight in my head, I know I\'ll be able to communicate clearly. Emotionally, I don\'t feel as down, because I have a direction to go in.