The bravest thing ever
My wife passed 50 days ago. I went to the church in the morning. The program started with a singing group of mothers about 7-8. They all are quite young. Later a friend told me that they lost their husbands--so much suffering in such a small place of human society. I bet that, if you look more carefully and deeply in life, suffering is easier than pleasure to find.
On the way back, I stopped at the garden to honor and remember her. I haven't cried for the past two days in the garden. But not for today, I had a long sobbing with a feeling that a part of me just wanting to follow her way. What else can I do to stop the thought? I have been doing all sorts of things I could possibly do in grief --counseling, journaling, talking to people, DS, reconnecting with the work, reading grief books, and even medication. What could be done to stop me from wanting to die? This is the bravest thing I have ever done in my life: living now.
On the way back, I stopped at the garden to honor and remember her. I haven't cried for the past two days in the garden. But not for today, I had a long sobbing with a feeling that a part of me just wanting to follow her way. What else can I do to stop the thought? I have been doing all sorts of things I could possibly do in grief --counseling, journaling, talking to people, DS, reconnecting with the work, reading grief books, and even medication. What could be done to stop me from wanting to die? This is the bravest thing I have ever done in my life: living now.
Replies
Your post made me cry as well. The hardest/bravest thing I do now is live. And I too wish there was a way to just end it and be with my husband. What keeps me going is the hope that some day in the future I will love life again, smile when I think of Ray and our life together, not cry.. Not long ago I remember walking up our back road, my horses off to one side, cows on another and looking at the back of our home..my thoughts were how wonderful my life was and I hope it will never end. I knew Ray was in the house waiting for me so we could go off on our daily routine..Now I do the same \"daily routine\" but it has no joy nor meaning..Just getting things done..
WE\'LL MAKE IT TIGER..we have no choice...
I concur . . . the bravest act is to continue to \"live\", not simply exist with a life of quiet desperation (as we are in grief mode). Where is the joy? Where are my blue skies? Where is the love? Difficult days for all with the gray. However, we shall and will survive this. ;Hang in there my friend . . . you are not alone. xo, D
What will stop you from wanting to die is giving yourself time to grieve and it is a gut wrenching process. We are here to walk with you because we have done the journey our self. You ultimately will be amazed at the inner strength you have. Right now just give yourself permission to cry(It is a very important part of the healing process).
Oh tiger, I wish we could wave a magic wand and be there in Hong Kong to walk beside you on this, the hardest part of the journey. It is tough. Likely one of the hardest things we will ever do.
When my son died, I wanted to die then too - but I chose life, because I could not bear to leave my husband to grieve two loves lost. When my husband died, I was in so much pain, I didn\'t want to go on - but I have two amazing kids who rely on me, whom I could not bear to leave. They are my purpose.
Cry all you need. Do what ever rituals, like visiting the garden, to comfort yourself. And keep seeking help.
I have a Canadian journalist friend in Hong kong -would you like me to get in touch with her to see if she knows of any resources?
I\'m at the same point with you, but I feel I have no choice but to live. To give up would not honor my husband, nor its it something he would want for me. Plus I have two kids. I know it\'s not the same, but I agree about hope.
Thanks everyone for encouragement. Hope will keep me moving forward, Tiger.
It takes courage to keep living when part of you has died inside. I went through
Fleeting moments of losing hope, this grieving is NOT for Fainted hearted people. It takes time, patience and work to get to a point, when those hopeless thoughts start to dissipate. My Faith in God, helps me every day,to seek a purpose, then I move forward. I want to run this race and finish it in in good standing.
Good for you Tiger, you are moving forward!...Not psychic...just have read your
Latest journals ...lol.......Sandra