The Blame Game . . .

   We all do it, especially in interpersonal relationships.  When there is a problem, it is time to assess blame.  And it is hard to be objective about it, because who enjoys saying “It’s my fault?”  Sometimes it is our fault.  Sometimes it is the other persons fault.  Sometimes the blame lies somewhere in the middle.  The problem, in a relationship, when it comes to people with Cluster B personality disorders is that they will never shoulder the blame.  Nothing is their fault.  My ex had a long string of failed relationships behind her and one failed marriage.  She did not like to talk about these relationships at all, unless she could brag about something she had done.  But when she could be coaxed into talking about them, the answer was always the same when it came to the question of why the relationship failed:  It Was Their Fault.  Every single time.  If you are in 10 relationships and all of them fail, it is not statistically possible that the fault was the other person’s, every single time, and you caused no problems at all.  Since all human beings are flawed, then both people in a relationship will make mistakes and create problems.  That is built into the equation.  It is how one deals with those problems and mistakes that determine whether the relationship will be viable or not.  And when one party cannot accept blame or responsibility for anything, such a relationship is not viable.
   My wife and I developed a system early in our relationship whereby one of us could be alerted immediately to egregious behavior on the part of the other person which would not be accepted and behavior in which it was unwise to continue.  We developed the catch phrase, delivered jokingly, but also with impact: “That is not going to fly.”  When those words are heard, it means “Full Stop.”  Time to talk.  And whatever behavior or action sparked the “That is not going to fly” response was/is usually not repeated.
   In a relationship with a Cluster B, whatever turmoil and problems arise within the relationship, the fault will always lie with you.  This does not mean that every problem that the Cluster B projects onto you is your fault.  It means that they only have the ability to place responsibility on someone or something else for a problem.  They are unable to assume responsibility themselves.  You will make mistakes, and cause difficulties, but you should never allow yourself to believe that everything that went wrong was your fault.  They want for you to believe that, and they are unable to accept blame for anything.   That is what you are/were dealing with and it will not ever change.