The Bla's
I have had a very difficult time writing anything that comes across what I feel...what my thoughts are...and why...why am I having such a difficult time writing...As most of you can tell just by viewing my journal entries, I write a lot...something that I have always done through my life...Write...I write about my feelings..my thoughts...my happy times...times to remind myself why I need to stay or to leave a relationship. Because I am easy to forgive...I may not forget anything that is said to me...but to remember and to hold a grudge is something that I have not done in my life...So when I came to the point of my life that I was making repeated mistakes, I started to write...write what had happened and why I must remember the reason...not the necessary keep a grudge but to know that it is time I need to make a decision that what I am doing is not giving myself a healthy relationship and I need to make my changes....
As I reflected these thoughts today trying to understand where I am in my feelings, my thoughts and why when I begin to write my journal and have stopped and left them half finished and post them private maybe to come back to finish them and share them with you my friends, I can not seem to find the words I am looking for....Today as I thought I finally came to the answer of my unfinished journals...I am not reflecting on what I am really feeling..and why I am feeling the way I do.
Two years ago this time, my mind, my body, my whole being was being spent with the sounding of the alarm ringing around four in the morning knowing if I didn't rush I would be late for my job....the job had began in Oct. and was still going on at this time 2years ago...Not a job that I would wish on anyone...yet there came with this job some times of joys, some times of pain, so much times of wondering and worrying and praying and trying to find answers....
We did not know that this time 2 years ago within a few short weeks, I would be sitting by my son's side, holding his hand, talking to him, praying for him, willing to be giving my life for him, the part that we bargain with God.....and today I knew why I could not and have not bee able to write...
Sunday, will be the night, the last night that we would receive the phone call to rush to Ken's house that something was terrible, horrible wrong...that I would run to the bedroom and see his eyes searching my eyes to tell him what was wrong with him, what was happening to him....his breathing being so fast...he having no strength to hold himself up in bed, him laying in his wife's lap as she hung onto him with dear life, trying to quietly sooth him with soft words as we waited for a doctor from down the street to arrive to tell us that it was going to be alright...that he was just having an anxiety attack...and as soon as he was calmed down all would go back to normal...that we would all return to our beds for the night ...that he must have woken in a bad bad dreams and soon that would pass...We were all there, the kids (his children), me, my husband, his in-laws, the doctor all gathered around the bed as the doctor was trying to let us know as soon as things were calmed down we would all be back in bed to wait for the alarm to ring again in the next few hours to begin our day again...
It was not to be that that night...that night ...the Sunday night before Thanksgiving would be the night that Ken would be rushed to the hospital...it would be the last night that he would even be back in his home...it was that night that we found out the cancer had now became a part of his brain...As theses words came out of the doctor's mouth we looked at each other in total disbelief....how could this be....this night we found out that a rare cancer that Kenny had that rarely went to the brain had now become a big part of his brain....We as a family stood in puzzled looks at each other trying to understand...trying to find an answer to this answer that we have been told would not happen but now it has....It was no small tumor...NO it was a very large tumor,,not only now the cancer had become a part of his brain and around the tumor in the brain fluid loads of fluid was building up as it was pushing his brain over to one side in his head as the fluid was feeling up areas of the brain as it was making it's way to the spinal cord...The tumor being so large pushing his brain to the other side...the fluid building up leaving no space in the skull as it began to become so much that the pictures were showing that the fluid had spread in all area's and starting to push on the spinal cord.
Ken was rushed to the main hospital UAB , plans being made....first there would be getting him settled into bed...hooked up to all the beeping machine as the doctor's prepared to tell us the plans for his survival...First they would drain the fluid from around the tumor and and brain and the fluid that would was pushing on his spinal cord...next would be radiation...the radiation to hopefully shrink the tumor....those were the beginning steps...of something that was never suppose to happen...after all less than 1% of these cancer's go to the brain....Things were starting to settle down as the machine were helping Ken breath and his breathing became more even...information was being shared to each who needed to know what had been going on so they could know how to proceed...Tomorrow, the next morning all the plans would begin ....
That was not to be...Why have I not been able to write..or finish a journal or understand my feelings this week....
Sunday night 2 years ago...the Sunday night before Thanksgiving, I saw my my sweet sweet son Die...I had never seen anyone die before....and as I sat there by his bed as we shared with the nurse what had been happening with Ken...I heard a noise I had never heard before.....coming from the head of my son'd bed....I turned and looked and I knew.......My Son Was Dead.....
This would be my first time to see my son die those next few weeks...but that night is forever etched in my mind....as I stood outside the door of his room as they worked on him for almost 15 minutes...then with looks of relief, we knew they had brought him back....
That night things changed...there was no waiting...that night he was rushed to surgery to remove the tumor and drain the fluid.....That night our family was given some more time with our Kenny....days and nights filled with such times of horror as we watched him go into sepsis shock...twice...when the blood pressure went so low he should have not survivied...those nights...the night that he pulled me close to him unable to talk but able to relate to me with pleading eyes to take him home and the pain I felt as I tried to tell him I couldn't....So much sadness we experienced, but so much time we cherished each time we would see him with his eyes open...
Why have I not wanted to write, or have not been able to find the right words...not because I have forgotten one second of those next 40 days and nights....but to write them and feel the pain again so strong...to relieve that the first Sunday night that I saw my son die....and then to see what he had to go through....the next days...and then to know that on that fateful night on Dec 30, 2009..our Ken took his last breath, our Ken's last heart beat stopped....Again that night as we stood by his bed watching Ken die again, but this time there would be no bringing him back...
Today now I have written what has been there in my mind all the time...yet not wanting to put them down on paper....
I love you my son...These are hard times to go through....but we know the love you had for us and the love we have for you...We mostly know that one day we will be together again...
With all my love, mom
As I reflected these thoughts today trying to understand where I am in my feelings, my thoughts and why when I begin to write my journal and have stopped and left them half finished and post them private maybe to come back to finish them and share them with you my friends, I can not seem to find the words I am looking for....Today as I thought I finally came to the answer of my unfinished journals...I am not reflecting on what I am really feeling..and why I am feeling the way I do.
Two years ago this time, my mind, my body, my whole being was being spent with the sounding of the alarm ringing around four in the morning knowing if I didn't rush I would be late for my job....the job had began in Oct. and was still going on at this time 2years ago...Not a job that I would wish on anyone...yet there came with this job some times of joys, some times of pain, so much times of wondering and worrying and praying and trying to find answers....
We did not know that this time 2 years ago within a few short weeks, I would be sitting by my son's side, holding his hand, talking to him, praying for him, willing to be giving my life for him, the part that we bargain with God.....and today I knew why I could not and have not bee able to write...
Sunday, will be the night, the last night that we would receive the phone call to rush to Ken's house that something was terrible, horrible wrong...that I would run to the bedroom and see his eyes searching my eyes to tell him what was wrong with him, what was happening to him....his breathing being so fast...he having no strength to hold himself up in bed, him laying in his wife's lap as she hung onto him with dear life, trying to quietly sooth him with soft words as we waited for a doctor from down the street to arrive to tell us that it was going to be alright...that he was just having an anxiety attack...and as soon as he was calmed down all would go back to normal...that we would all return to our beds for the night ...that he must have woken in a bad bad dreams and soon that would pass...We were all there, the kids (his children), me, my husband, his in-laws, the doctor all gathered around the bed as the doctor was trying to let us know as soon as things were calmed down we would all be back in bed to wait for the alarm to ring again in the next few hours to begin our day again...
It was not to be that that night...that night ...the Sunday night before Thanksgiving would be the night that Ken would be rushed to the hospital...it would be the last night that he would even be back in his home...it was that night that we found out the cancer had now became a part of his brain...As theses words came out of the doctor's mouth we looked at each other in total disbelief....how could this be....this night we found out that a rare cancer that Kenny had that rarely went to the brain had now become a big part of his brain....We as a family stood in puzzled looks at each other trying to understand...trying to find an answer to this answer that we have been told would not happen but now it has....It was no small tumor...NO it was a very large tumor,,not only now the cancer had become a part of his brain and around the tumor in the brain fluid loads of fluid was building up as it was pushing his brain over to one side in his head as the fluid was feeling up areas of the brain as it was making it's way to the spinal cord...The tumor being so large pushing his brain to the other side...the fluid building up leaving no space in the skull as it began to become so much that the pictures were showing that the fluid had spread in all area's and starting to push on the spinal cord.
Ken was rushed to the main hospital UAB , plans being made....first there would be getting him settled into bed...hooked up to all the beeping machine as the doctor's prepared to tell us the plans for his survival...First they would drain the fluid from around the tumor and and brain and the fluid that would was pushing on his spinal cord...next would be radiation...the radiation to hopefully shrink the tumor....those were the beginning steps...of something that was never suppose to happen...after all less than 1% of these cancer's go to the brain....Things were starting to settle down as the machine were helping Ken breath and his breathing became more even...information was being shared to each who needed to know what had been going on so they could know how to proceed...Tomorrow, the next morning all the plans would begin ....
That was not to be...Why have I not been able to write..or finish a journal or understand my feelings this week....
Sunday night 2 years ago...the Sunday night before Thanksgiving, I saw my my sweet sweet son Die...I had never seen anyone die before....and as I sat there by his bed as we shared with the nurse what had been happening with Ken...I heard a noise I had never heard before.....coming from the head of my son'd bed....I turned and looked and I knew.......My Son Was Dead.....
This would be my first time to see my son die those next few weeks...but that night is forever etched in my mind....as I stood outside the door of his room as they worked on him for almost 15 minutes...then with looks of relief, we knew they had brought him back....
That night things changed...there was no waiting...that night he was rushed to surgery to remove the tumor and drain the fluid.....That night our family was given some more time with our Kenny....days and nights filled with such times of horror as we watched him go into sepsis shock...twice...when the blood pressure went so low he should have not survivied...those nights...the night that he pulled me close to him unable to talk but able to relate to me with pleading eyes to take him home and the pain I felt as I tried to tell him I couldn't....So much sadness we experienced, but so much time we cherished each time we would see him with his eyes open...
Why have I not wanted to write, or have not been able to find the right words...not because I have forgotten one second of those next 40 days and nights....but to write them and feel the pain again so strong...to relieve that the first Sunday night that I saw my son die....and then to see what he had to go through....the next days...and then to know that on that fateful night on Dec 30, 2009..our Ken took his last breath, our Ken's last heart beat stopped....Again that night as we stood by his bed watching Ken die again, but this time there would be no bringing him back...
Today now I have written what has been there in my mind all the time...yet not wanting to put them down on paper....
I love you my son...These are hard times to go through....but we know the love you had for us and the love we have for you...We mostly know that one day we will be together again...
With all my love, mom
Replies
Oh, dear, dear Sandi ~
I hope that finally bringing these words to the surface has given you some sense of release and freedom from those horrific, sad, painful, unspeakably harsh images of the beginning of Ken\'s final few weeks on earth.
The love does live on and, as you well know, Ken is at peace and at rest in the heavenly kingdom of eternity, sending his love to you just as you send yours to him.
None of us will ever know or understand the whys and hows and wherefores of how our beloved children died. We do know that human beings (NOT our spiritual beings!) do die ~ it\'s a one way trip here. When the time comes, some suffer and are aware that their time is drawing near, as your precious Ken did. Some are taken completely by surprise and almost instantly, as my precious Corrie was on a dark night in a remote part of Maine as a drunk driver\'s car spun and flipped completely out of control.
Why did Ken and Corrie get taken from us in their unique ways? I have no clue. I do know that statistics mean nothing ~ they bring no comfort and absolutely NO reassurance of safety. Ken\'s cancer was not supposed to travel to his brain. Corrie\'s accident was described by the deputy as a \"one in a million\" freak accident ~ why was Corrie killed and the two people she was walking with, side by side, completely unharmed? I don\'t know. I just know that I do not believe in statistics ~ when it happens to you, the odds are not 1 in a million ~ they are 100%!
So, dear Sandi ~ as we walk this path together, the best we can do is to choose life; to choose forgiveness; to choose to seek what joy we can in the life that has been offered to us. Holidays are so hard for all of us ~ and for you, especially, as they also represent Ken\'s final weeks.
I send much love and thoughts of comfort and healing to your broken heart ~ Debbie
Dear Sandi: I so can relate to how you are feeling. Lisa\'s angel date is December 1. I have relived that time almost every day for almost 2 years. As Debbie said, there is no understandable reason why our kids were taken from us. I wish I could do something to make it better but it is not to be.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
Dear Sandi,
Words can\'t express what I am feeling right now.. your story brought me right back to the hospitall with my jenn... so many similarities..
I know I replay those so short 16 weeks over and over and over in my head.
I understand your pain and with it being around the holiday only makes it worse...
Hugs, MaryLou
It helps to write a lot. It\'s a release. You are hurting so bad you need all the release you can get. Sending love, Terry
Dear Sandi
I am speechless,I feel your pain completely,This is a terrible time for all who have lost a loved one especially a child.Having lost my baby Jeff a few short months ago this month marks the angel days of my Mother, Father, Uncle and my Niece. I wish with all my heart there was something I could door say that would help heal your pain. Just know that we are here for you!
Hugs Doris
What a beautiful journal, writen right from your heart. Thank you, for allowing us to share your painful journey with you. I immagine you will feel a sense of relief, now that you have writen it in your journal. It seems to help me whenever I express my \"real\" feelings in my journal. We are so lucky, to have found this site on DS. My son has only been gone since Sept.1st and I am still in shock and denial. I know this because I can look back six years and remember what stage I was in, when my husband died. His angel date is Dec. 3rd, 2005. I do not enjoy anything about the holidays, since his death. He died of complications from esophageal cancer. He was supposed to survive, as the doctor was going to rebuild his esophagus, after his chemo and radiation. The cancer metastisized during the treatments, so the surgery was not to be. Tonight I am grieving my son and also my lost husband, Sam. I hope this journal will bring you some much needed peace. ((((HUGS))))...Julia
http://youtu.be/pLLMzr3PFgk...
this is what Ken is singing now....I hope you will feel wonderful about where he is and not cling to the horrors of where he was...much love to you...dale, brandon\'s mom
As holidays approch I feel very somber. Like a turtle I will hide inside my shell. I must endure Thanksgiving, then an Angel date just before Christmas then in January a birthday he will not be here for it woild have been #31.
Christmas trees are now for the grandchildren I will not decorate. It is their tradition now. Mikes Christmas gift is still in my cedar chest, I will save it for his son. I will give it to him when I feel the time is right.
Tara found Mike on the couch, called me I rushed over to try CPR till emt\'s came no luck he was gone. I did not watch my son die that must me the worst thing in the world. Not being able to bring mine back because it had been too long left me knowing that I was able to try.
I wish for you an easy holiday season.
Hugs Penny
...sending healing light to you...hugs.....