the birth of more shame
I got laid off from my job two years ago. I moved back in with my parents. I am 34 years old and single. I feel I don't belong here or should be here. I am too old to be here. I mean I have done alot with my life. I went in the military after high school. Served for 7 in a half years; traveled the whole, seen alot, and got an honorable discharge. After the military I was a truck driver for nearly a year (this was basically just to see more of the United States.) Then I left, because I wrecked that truck. Okay...okay...I got in an accident, my truck was not reliable, and I was not getting paid. Then I worked for coca-cola, disney, alot of jobs. Then I found one that I managed to stay in for over two years in got laid off. I have been to 3 mental hospitals for attempted suicides. Yeah, being an anti-depressant, I have my limits. Some last awhile, some don't last long. I have to admit, the military mental hospitals was the best one I have ever been to. The civilian ones are ( no offense...CRAP!) After that I went back to school, got my associates degree, and I am currently in cooking school. I will graduate in Feb, 15 this year. I am struggling more now. I can feel my body just running out of energy fast. I feel it is not enough. I am missing something. I love knowing answers, but I don't know that one.
Basically from first grade to the military, I was bullied my whole life. I am a sweet guy and easily taken advantage of. I don't believe anti-depressant is a bad thing now, but that does not mean I don't like it. I have learned alot about my depression and how it behaves. I understand its weakness and its strength.I do believe everyone has a great weakness and a great strenght. I like that, because it means everyone matters, but that does not mean I like being lonely. I know I have my family who love me, but at my age I just feel like I should not be here. I should have a great job, a lovely wife to come home to possibly with kids, and my own home. I don't have any of those. The truth is I don't really exist in society. As me, I don't get phone calls, I don't get emails. I don't get mail. Except the ever loving bills and possible scams.I do have friends, I have many scattered all over the world.I haven't been on this site long and already met some wonderful people. I do have friends, none I would ever have the pleasure of inviting over for thanksgiving or christmas dinners. I don't know. I kind of feel I am too old to ask for mommy and daddies help. Does not mean I don't love them. I do. Does anyone know how hard is it to find some, because I live at home with my family? I also feel I have a lot to give, and at the same time...nothing to give. I am a lover not a fighter. I like to give love and be loved. I will have suicidal thoughts, but won't actually do it. I have a theory that if I commit suicide, my soul will be trapped in an endless cycle and it will never rest. I also don't want to die at 100 either. If the arabics are right and 72 virgins are waiting for me. I doubt that heaven will hand out viagra.
Honestly, my situation is like this I go to school, come home and stay in my room. I usually watch t.v, or play my ds to keep my mind at ease. My room is messy. by the time I get home I just want to stay in my room, even on the weekends. I have been trying to be more active. I just started seeing a therapist two weeks ago. It is okay. I don't know. I don't trust therapist. I don't think they are smart enough to help me. I don't like to ask either. I like to think I have some pride. I am a guy after all. Don't get me wrong sometimes I like thinking and being in my head. I like coming up with a character like me being a hero and saving people, but they won't know, and the always loving fantasies. That is it for now
Basically from first grade to the military, I was bullied my whole life. I am a sweet guy and easily taken advantage of. I don't believe anti-depressant is a bad thing now, but that does not mean I don't like it. I have learned alot about my depression and how it behaves. I understand its weakness and its strength.I do believe everyone has a great weakness and a great strenght. I like that, because it means everyone matters, but that does not mean I like being lonely. I know I have my family who love me, but at my age I just feel like I should not be here. I should have a great job, a lovely wife to come home to possibly with kids, and my own home. I don't have any of those. The truth is I don't really exist in society. As me, I don't get phone calls, I don't get emails. I don't get mail. Except the ever loving bills and possible scams.I do have friends, I have many scattered all over the world.I haven't been on this site long and already met some wonderful people. I do have friends, none I would ever have the pleasure of inviting over for thanksgiving or christmas dinners. I don't know. I kind of feel I am too old to ask for mommy and daddies help. Does not mean I don't love them. I do. Does anyone know how hard is it to find some, because I live at home with my family? I also feel I have a lot to give, and at the same time...nothing to give. I am a lover not a fighter. I like to give love and be loved. I will have suicidal thoughts, but won't actually do it. I have a theory that if I commit suicide, my soul will be trapped in an endless cycle and it will never rest. I also don't want to die at 100 either. If the arabics are right and 72 virgins are waiting for me. I doubt that heaven will hand out viagra.
Honestly, my situation is like this I go to school, come home and stay in my room. I usually watch t.v, or play my ds to keep my mind at ease. My room is messy. by the time I get home I just want to stay in my room, even on the weekends. I have been trying to be more active. I just started seeing a therapist two weeks ago. It is okay. I don't know. I don't trust therapist. I don't think they are smart enough to help me. I don't like to ask either. I like to think I have some pride. I am a guy after all. Don't get me wrong sometimes I like thinking and being in my head. I like coming up with a character like me being a hero and saving people, but they won't know, and the always loving fantasies. That is it for now
Replies
No emails?? What am I...nothing to you? :-)
As far as the therapist goes...give it a chance. Make sure you find the right one though. I went to the wrong one for a year and ended up hitting rock bottom! But look...they convinced you to journal!!! It\'s a step!!
They did not. You did.
I am glad you journaled, no matter who got you to . :0)
First, thank you for your service to our country. It sounds like you have done alot ! Nick, you got laid off from your job. That sucks. It\'s a tough economy and I know several people who are in their 30\'s and living with their parents. That is nothing to be ashamed of . If you were laying in your room all day being a bum and not getting out there and trying to improve your situation that would be one thing. You ARE getting out there and doing something to improve it. You are gonna graduate from cooking school in a few weeks. That\'s great! I\'m sorry you aren\'t feeling good though and you don\'t feel motivated to get out of your room much once you get home from class. What things do you enjoy? Or did you used to enjoy? Maybe just take baby steps to try something you have wanted to do but haven\'t? some kind of volunteer work maybe that would get you around other people and also make you feel good about yourself at the same time. As far as therapy, I have a wonderful therapist who is a heck of alot smarter than I am. I have been seeing him for a year and a half and I love him to pieces. He\'s a smart ass and tells me I am full of shit, but I\'m a smart ass and I tell him to just shut up. ( then I throw my water bottle at him. lol ).. no seriously, he\'s a great man and he gives alot of \' tough love\', which is what I need. I don\'t need someone to coddle me and agree with my bullshit. I know you have just started therapy so I do hope you will give it a chance. You need to develop trust with your therapist though. If you don\'t feel you have a connection after a few sessions, I would suggest looking for someone else. Not everyone is suited for each other.
You sound like a really sweet guy and a good friend to others. Hang in there. If you ever want to talk, send me a pm, okay?
wishing you the best. big hugs ~~
Gaye
I\'m the same regarding emails, friends etc, (except recently)
I don\'t leave the house except to get supplies once a week, if I\'m lucky!
My husband works night shift, and when he is home, I don\'t feel like I can \'bother\' him with my problems...I feel guilty, not working and contributing.
You have much to be PROUD of!...you never know what\'s around the corner?
Good luck with Graduation, and good on you for trying to better yourself!
As for living with your parents, I say...make the most of the time you have with them...ask about them and the old days...Cherish it!, before you know it, they\'re gone.