The Big One, Part 2
To continue on with where I left off,
The longer I continued with the fabrication of my grad school opportunity, the more fantastic it grew. Soon, it morphed into a joint degree, so not just a Masters, but also a Law Degree. The lie grew from being accepted into this prestigious program, on the other side of the country, into a full ride scholarship and fellowship opportunities. Let me be clear, I never even applied, more contacted the school at all. I faked correspondence with a made up Professor, all to support this lie, to give it credibility.
By the time Love and I were living together, I dropped out of school completely. I faked my way through not attending a graduation ceremony, and used every method of evasion I could to justify why I couldn't produce a diploma. (Love was very persistent, but by this time, I was extremely persuasive and an expert in distraction).
Although given numerous opportunities to come clean, or lie more and say I didn't want to go through with "my plan" I continued on with my deception. I not only lied to every single person in my life, but I also lied to everyone in his life as well. His Mother always suspected I made the whole thing up, and blinded by his adoration for me, he defended me to all ends.
Love and I have been through so much together, good times and bad. Beautiful moments of pure joy, a camping trip up the West Coast, a secluded winter getaway in a cabin on a frozen lake, millions of small moments when the whole world was filled with our love for each other. Unspeakable loss, the tragic death of Love's youngest sibling, health issues, a pregnancy that neither of us was prepared for, the trauma of an optional late term abortion, the fights stemming from my insensitivity, his frustrations with my family. Through all of it, we held each other, laughed and cried together, overcame all obstacles. We were best friends, lovers, partners, and each other's champion. And through almost 7 years of this beautiful relationship, I continually deceived him.
Years went by, and after much discussion, he encouraged me to follow what he thought was my dream, even though it meant moving alone across the country, to a city I had never been to, where I knew no one. He was my biggest supporter. I moved first, he flew out for a week to help me settle. It was so hard, watching him get on the plane and leave me here. I was destitute. Keep in mind, I could have admitted my wrongs, or at least claimed failure and returned home, at any point. Less than 3 months after my moving here, he quit his job, packed up all of our belongings, and drove a U-Haul for 4 days to join me. He gave up his entire life, moved away from everything he knew, because he wanted to be with me.
The first year we lived here together, Love had a hard time adapting. He struggled finding work, he disliked the people and the traffic, and he stayed in our small apartment day after day, miserable. I would pretend to go go class, instead going to a coffee shop or library, or sometimes a bar, just to pass time. I would ride busses around, go to museums alone, or work extra shifts as a waitress, all to account of the time I said I was spending in class. I made up class syllabi, I faked homework assignments, and even created fictional classmates. He was suspicious, throughout everything, but I would either react to his questions with hostility and tears, or I would distract him with affection or fun outings.
He found a job after a year, one that saps his energy and leaves him feeling inadequate. He never grew to like the area, and consistently expressed his discomfort here, and his wishes to move back to our hometown. I could have given up deceiving him, and we could have moved home at any point. Instead of doing this, I encouraged him to buy a new car, to make his long commute to his hated job easier. A few months after that, we moved into a better, more expensive apartment, and I talked him into signing a 2 year lease. This was 5 months ago.
Which brings me to this week. Tired of all the lying, and upkeep of said lies, I began to slip up. When Love noticed my distress (Not distress from the stress of a difficult semester, as I had been telling him, but distress knowing I couldn't continue my deception any longer) I told him that I was failing out of the program, and that I was going to drop out of school. Love was obviously upset, thinking that I had lost this incredible opportunity to laziness. We cried, he chastised me for my lack of responsibility, and I told him I had a meeting with the Academic Advisor, to talk about what my options were. Love slept on the couch that night, unable to even walk into our bedroom, because he was so sick with disappointment.
That night, and next morning, I began looking for help online. This one story is no where near the extent of my lying, about all things, big and small. I read countless articles on saving relationships after deception, on why people lie, on what my options for support are. I found an Emergency Mental Health Center, and took myself in for some advice. The Counselor gave me a list of resources to call, in order to start receiving help. I have my first appointment in 5 days.
When Love got home from work and the gym, he didn't want to talk to me. He had texted earlier, to let me know he still loved me. That text was it. I would have continued with the lying and the deception until it would no longer float, but that one text stopped me dead in my tracks. I fell on the floor and cried, partly out of relief that he still loved me, but also out of regret for everything I've done to this sweet, good man. After he had been home for about an hour, he walked into the guest room where I was hiding myself. He asked me if I had lied to him about anything else. I told him everything. Everything had been a lie.
I have no way of describing what the next few hours was like. I was so ashamed of myself, and angry for the hurt I've caused him. I've taken everything from him, made him look like a fool for ever loving me, I have ruined the last few years of our lives, and more than anything I have poisoned everything we had before coming here. He rightfully cannot trust anything I say, and he doubts all our history together. Before last night, he wanted to spend his life with me. Every plan, every dream, revolved around our relationship. My lying has taken all that away from him.
So, here I sit, and write, with next to no hope. If dying of shame could somehow balance the scale, to even out the multitudes of wrongs I've done, I wish it would just happen. But even that thought is cowardly. I deserve all these feelings I have. I deserve the embarrassment of the many phone calls I've made, and have yet to make. I deserve to watch my hollow life crumble around me.
So, although I've made too big of a mess to see a clear way out, I'm taking baby steps. I will focus on one day at a time. I will eat and I will shower every day. I will go to therapy, I will reach out to those who are willing to support me, and I will do any and every thing that I can to overcome this behavior. I will take honestly one brutal day at a time.
I am so scared.
The longer I continued with the fabrication of my grad school opportunity, the more fantastic it grew. Soon, it morphed into a joint degree, so not just a Masters, but also a Law Degree. The lie grew from being accepted into this prestigious program, on the other side of the country, into a full ride scholarship and fellowship opportunities. Let me be clear, I never even applied, more contacted the school at all. I faked correspondence with a made up Professor, all to support this lie, to give it credibility.
By the time Love and I were living together, I dropped out of school completely. I faked my way through not attending a graduation ceremony, and used every method of evasion I could to justify why I couldn't produce a diploma. (Love was very persistent, but by this time, I was extremely persuasive and an expert in distraction).
Although given numerous opportunities to come clean, or lie more and say I didn't want to go through with "my plan" I continued on with my deception. I not only lied to every single person in my life, but I also lied to everyone in his life as well. His Mother always suspected I made the whole thing up, and blinded by his adoration for me, he defended me to all ends.
Love and I have been through so much together, good times and bad. Beautiful moments of pure joy, a camping trip up the West Coast, a secluded winter getaway in a cabin on a frozen lake, millions of small moments when the whole world was filled with our love for each other. Unspeakable loss, the tragic death of Love's youngest sibling, health issues, a pregnancy that neither of us was prepared for, the trauma of an optional late term abortion, the fights stemming from my insensitivity, his frustrations with my family. Through all of it, we held each other, laughed and cried together, overcame all obstacles. We were best friends, lovers, partners, and each other's champion. And through almost 7 years of this beautiful relationship, I continually deceived him.
Years went by, and after much discussion, he encouraged me to follow what he thought was my dream, even though it meant moving alone across the country, to a city I had never been to, where I knew no one. He was my biggest supporter. I moved first, he flew out for a week to help me settle. It was so hard, watching him get on the plane and leave me here. I was destitute. Keep in mind, I could have admitted my wrongs, or at least claimed failure and returned home, at any point. Less than 3 months after my moving here, he quit his job, packed up all of our belongings, and drove a U-Haul for 4 days to join me. He gave up his entire life, moved away from everything he knew, because he wanted to be with me.
The first year we lived here together, Love had a hard time adapting. He struggled finding work, he disliked the people and the traffic, and he stayed in our small apartment day after day, miserable. I would pretend to go go class, instead going to a coffee shop or library, or sometimes a bar, just to pass time. I would ride busses around, go to museums alone, or work extra shifts as a waitress, all to account of the time I said I was spending in class. I made up class syllabi, I faked homework assignments, and even created fictional classmates. He was suspicious, throughout everything, but I would either react to his questions with hostility and tears, or I would distract him with affection or fun outings.
He found a job after a year, one that saps his energy and leaves him feeling inadequate. He never grew to like the area, and consistently expressed his discomfort here, and his wishes to move back to our hometown. I could have given up deceiving him, and we could have moved home at any point. Instead of doing this, I encouraged him to buy a new car, to make his long commute to his hated job easier. A few months after that, we moved into a better, more expensive apartment, and I talked him into signing a 2 year lease. This was 5 months ago.
Which brings me to this week. Tired of all the lying, and upkeep of said lies, I began to slip up. When Love noticed my distress (Not distress from the stress of a difficult semester, as I had been telling him, but distress knowing I couldn't continue my deception any longer) I told him that I was failing out of the program, and that I was going to drop out of school. Love was obviously upset, thinking that I had lost this incredible opportunity to laziness. We cried, he chastised me for my lack of responsibility, and I told him I had a meeting with the Academic Advisor, to talk about what my options were. Love slept on the couch that night, unable to even walk into our bedroom, because he was so sick with disappointment.
That night, and next morning, I began looking for help online. This one story is no where near the extent of my lying, about all things, big and small. I read countless articles on saving relationships after deception, on why people lie, on what my options for support are. I found an Emergency Mental Health Center, and took myself in for some advice. The Counselor gave me a list of resources to call, in order to start receiving help. I have my first appointment in 5 days.
When Love got home from work and the gym, he didn't want to talk to me. He had texted earlier, to let me know he still loved me. That text was it. I would have continued with the lying and the deception until it would no longer float, but that one text stopped me dead in my tracks. I fell on the floor and cried, partly out of relief that he still loved me, but also out of regret for everything I've done to this sweet, good man. After he had been home for about an hour, he walked into the guest room where I was hiding myself. He asked me if I had lied to him about anything else. I told him everything. Everything had been a lie.
I have no way of describing what the next few hours was like. I was so ashamed of myself, and angry for the hurt I've caused him. I've taken everything from him, made him look like a fool for ever loving me, I have ruined the last few years of our lives, and more than anything I have poisoned everything we had before coming here. He rightfully cannot trust anything I say, and he doubts all our history together. Before last night, he wanted to spend his life with me. Every plan, every dream, revolved around our relationship. My lying has taken all that away from him.
So, here I sit, and write, with next to no hope. If dying of shame could somehow balance the scale, to even out the multitudes of wrongs I've done, I wish it would just happen. But even that thought is cowardly. I deserve all these feelings I have. I deserve the embarrassment of the many phone calls I've made, and have yet to make. I deserve to watch my hollow life crumble around me.
So, although I've made too big of a mess to see a clear way out, I'm taking baby steps. I will focus on one day at a time. I will eat and I will shower every day. I will go to therapy, I will reach out to those who are willing to support me, and I will do any and every thing that I can to overcome this behavior. I will take honestly one brutal day at a time.
I am so scared.
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