The Big One, Part 1
Today is the first day, the start of my new life. The view before me is bleak, and everything that happened before today is ruinous. Beginning is the hardest part, at least in my own experience. But, I've set this in motion and now, I cannot and will not go back.
I have so many regrets, chief among them what I have done to my beautiful, perfect Love. I have lied to him, used emotions and sex to distract and manipulate him, and now I have destroyed his hope and his love for me. I am nothing. I am not the person I spent years fabricating. He says he doesn't even recognize me. He's right, I don't recognize myself. I can't even look in a mirror, because of the monster I would see in my reflection.
I have told so many lies, its impossible to account for all of them. My past, my future, my thoughts, its almost like I can't tell the differences between what happened, and what I've told myself (and others) over and over again. There is no clear starting point. I don't know who I am, other than Liar.
The Big One-
It must have started in Late Fall 2007, or possibly Early Spring 2008. Or, it could have begun as much as a year earlier. It's strange, that I can't remember when, but I do remember where. I was sitting in the Library, on campus, at the computer banks. I had been thinking through what my next steps, my options for my future.
I had lost my scholarship due to poor attendance, and laziness. I had already taken a semester off, and then applied for loans to start school again. I lied to my family and friends about this disruption. And I pulled it off. Not a single person noticed, except for a professor who liked me, and voiced his concern when I started missing class. I lied to him to validate my absence, probably some made up health issue with someone in my family.
Back to where I was, sitting in the Library, signed on with my student ID, (the only way I can know for sure I was actually in school at the time) looking at other education opportunities. I came across a grad school program, that I never would have even applied to, because my grades were too poor. But, none the less, there it was in front of me, out of my reach, but desirable all the same. It must have been then that my Grandmother called, or at least very soon after.
My Grandmother, or Grammy, as I loved to call her (She hated the nick name) is one of the people I hold in highest regard. She loved me and taught me so much about life. She made me feel loved, and gave me special attention when I felt like I was fading into the background of life. As much as I can remember, I think this was the only time I lied to her.
We had many long talks over the previous weeks, and the coming months. She had been diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer, and was in the process of getting her affairs in order. She was so sick, and getting worse by the day it seemed. The purpose of that particular phone call, was to discuss her concerns for my future. She was so worried that I would end up aimless, wandering without purpose through the next few years of my life. She was scared to leave me without the support and guidance she continually provided.
I quickly told her all about this program I had just discovered, minutes before. I intimated that I "had an in" and that my acceptance was just a matter of formality. She was over the moon proud of me, her concern for me temporarily put at ease. She of course called my Mom, to discuss this wonderful news, and the situation began to spiral out of control. Soon, it was all my family could talk about, and I was pummeled with questions. So I did more research, and perfected my story. And I told everyone who would listen, again and again and again.
I met Love (as I'll call him here) in the Spring of 2009. I knew him longer than that, we worked together in a small restaurant since 2007. But, Spring 2009 was when it took off. I first used Love, to get back at my Ex Boyfriend. I strung Love along, and played games, and after a few months of nonsense, I woke up and realized what a great guy he was, and how I was the luckiest girl in the world to have his attention. By October, I was convinced. Love was the man for me.
I have so many regrets, chief among them what I have done to my beautiful, perfect Love. I have lied to him, used emotions and sex to distract and manipulate him, and now I have destroyed his hope and his love for me. I am nothing. I am not the person I spent years fabricating. He says he doesn't even recognize me. He's right, I don't recognize myself. I can't even look in a mirror, because of the monster I would see in my reflection.
I have told so many lies, its impossible to account for all of them. My past, my future, my thoughts, its almost like I can't tell the differences between what happened, and what I've told myself (and others) over and over again. There is no clear starting point. I don't know who I am, other than Liar.
The Big One-
It must have started in Late Fall 2007, or possibly Early Spring 2008. Or, it could have begun as much as a year earlier. It's strange, that I can't remember when, but I do remember where. I was sitting in the Library, on campus, at the computer banks. I had been thinking through what my next steps, my options for my future.
I had lost my scholarship due to poor attendance, and laziness. I had already taken a semester off, and then applied for loans to start school again. I lied to my family and friends about this disruption. And I pulled it off. Not a single person noticed, except for a professor who liked me, and voiced his concern when I started missing class. I lied to him to validate my absence, probably some made up health issue with someone in my family.
Back to where I was, sitting in the Library, signed on with my student ID, (the only way I can know for sure I was actually in school at the time) looking at other education opportunities. I came across a grad school program, that I never would have even applied to, because my grades were too poor. But, none the less, there it was in front of me, out of my reach, but desirable all the same. It must have been then that my Grandmother called, or at least very soon after.
My Grandmother, or Grammy, as I loved to call her (She hated the nick name) is one of the people I hold in highest regard. She loved me and taught me so much about life. She made me feel loved, and gave me special attention when I felt like I was fading into the background of life. As much as I can remember, I think this was the only time I lied to her.
We had many long talks over the previous weeks, and the coming months. She had been diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer, and was in the process of getting her affairs in order. She was so sick, and getting worse by the day it seemed. The purpose of that particular phone call, was to discuss her concerns for my future. She was so worried that I would end up aimless, wandering without purpose through the next few years of my life. She was scared to leave me without the support and guidance she continually provided.
I quickly told her all about this program I had just discovered, minutes before. I intimated that I "had an in" and that my acceptance was just a matter of formality. She was over the moon proud of me, her concern for me temporarily put at ease. She of course called my Mom, to discuss this wonderful news, and the situation began to spiral out of control. Soon, it was all my family could talk about, and I was pummeled with questions. So I did more research, and perfected my story. And I told everyone who would listen, again and again and again.
I met Love (as I'll call him here) in the Spring of 2009. I knew him longer than that, we worked together in a small restaurant since 2007. But, Spring 2009 was when it took off. I first used Love, to get back at my Ex Boyfriend. I strung Love along, and played games, and after a few months of nonsense, I woke up and realized what a great guy he was, and how I was the luckiest girl in the world to have his attention. By October, I was convinced. Love was the man for me.
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