the beginning to end

Justing the title of this first entry is giving me anxiety. just like week, I finally had the strength and put majority of my belongings, put them into storage and moved in with my youngest daughter and her husband. 

Day by day, I am putting my broken pieces together and realizing how broken I really am. I'm drained emotionally, mentally, and physically. I never thought living with one person can take so much out of you. 

It's not the first time experience the situation because I lived it through my mother's life and I suffer a little of the emotional and verbal abused through my first marriage but during those times, I handle everything so different. 

With my mother, she thought me how to lie. How to pretend everything was fine. She talked what to say, how to say it, when to say. She was only 15 when she had me, and 22 when she was first being physically abused by third stepfather.  I was 14 when she finally got away but left with taunting memories that one day I will share with you. 

I got married young (19) and had my 2 daughters by the age of 23. My husband wanted to be better than his parents and mine so he always wanted to be above everyone but forget his roots. (we are Puerto Rican Descent). Sometimes his voice and the way he looked at me, reminded me of my stepfather so I did like I was taught, I stayed silent, did what I was told and tried not to anger him, let him say what he wanted to me. I never pushed the boundaries. Our whole group of friends thought we were the perfect couple. Everyone was surprise when we got divorce (I'll tell that story another day).

Now I'm 45 and have gone through a few more rough patches between those two stories and I see me starting all over again. Its so easy to be trained at an early age and definitely easy for you to attract the same people in your life because you feel comfortable in that zone. Then once something fails, whether it's at a job, school relationship, you go through your emotions and wonder why again, what's wrong with me?

It wasn't until a few months ago, (before I get started with that, I am techinally married but we never consummated the marriaged but were rommates up until Feb 15, 2018. We dated briefly, ended the relationship and we got married afterwards and no he was did not need a green card-more on that later). I was seeing someone and I have the habit that just when I get attached to someone, I really feel myself falling for this person, I start the doubts and the insecurities, then somehow, I act it out in weird ways that arguements start to form and I really don't know how I start them.

And if I really like them, I actually tell them that I go thru this phase and if they really like me to hold on through that phase because I really think it would stop, to actually choose me and not let go. But they never do. But this one person, we had a heated discussion and it didn't help that I had major problems at home (oh did I mention that he was the brother of girl that was living with me who my so-call husband ask me to let her stay with us because she had no place to live but turned out to be his ex girl-who he was dating when we were first dating...--and she was the one to introduce me to her brother but either one of us knew the truth, so her brother didn't know that the my soon to be my ex husband was the guy he looked up to years ago because he happen to be 13 years younger than me, when his sister told him I was 38 and she told me he was 38).... Are you confused you yet???? Yeah, I still feel the same way. but back to the point I was making.

We got into a huge arguement, he had confiding in me about some secrets and i was so astound that he yelled at me "I don't know why you are so surprised that everyone dumps your ass, you crazy b****)." (there's no need to get into the whole conversation). The funny thing is that we were having an ok time. I went home, 3 days past, hadn't heard from him and when I finally did he had told me he couldn't do whatever it was that we had. That was Oct 2nd. 

No one had ever said that to me before. Of course every relationship or so call relationship I had, every single man, gave me the silent treatment, I never really get the breakup message, I got the avoidance. IT was what angered me the most, how could I improve on myself if I didn't know what I was doing. But after he yelled that out, I did what I always did, I wrote my message to them for about a week, some were great some was too honest (the gemini or the Bipolar in me, not sure) then I stopped and I kept silent. I didn't speak if I didnt have to, not to anyone. I even talked to God in a way, I never talked to him. I talked to him like when you are angry at your best friend. I gave him the cold shoulder. Not that I didn't believe in him but I want space from that too. I wanted to figure it out on my own. I search for myself..... to be continue...