The Beginning - Reaching Out (suicide and personal responsibility)
You don't have an icon for sad... and that's how I feel... I don't know how long its going to be like this so I'm just hanging on. I'm hoping by writing in this journal I will meet people like me who feel a need to talk about what has happened to them. It hasn't been the greatest year for me. My maternal grandmother died in January of this year, my mother died in April. I hurt with both of these deaths but I was able to accept that for them I had to be grateful that they had been allowed to go home to Jesus and not have to suffer any longer. October 30, 2006 though I lost my 30 year old daughter Cara. I'm having a very hard time. My daughter had been in trouble for several years. She was in a car accident about 5 years ago and ended up hooked on pain pills. I was so worried and I begged, prayed, nagged and finally she went to a dr and got off the pain pills. Then she started substituting OTC medicines, ibuprofen, tylenol and most of all bc powders. Next illegal drugs crack, ecstacy etc... Then in March of this year she started drinking. Its been and continues to be a nightmare. We tried so hard to get help for her but in Louisiana its just not happening. Write me please. I can't help my child but perhaps I can help yours.
Replies
New day new entry... My daughter is one of 100,000 plus who will die with alcohol/substance abuse problems this year...Cara was also diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorder... so they gave her a hand full of prescriptions and sent her back to us. They recommended long term inpatient care but there were no beds available... Cara wanted help she begged and we begged for her... There just wasn\'t anyone to hear...I think we can officially term this problem a holacaust... so why am I living... to tell her story... maybe some of you have family members who are hurting too... its time we stood up and said enough.
I think perhaps I should have started with my sad story when I created my quote profile... I had to select the bad icon but I guess I will. I want to talk to people and have them talk to me. Isn\'t that why most of us are here... another thing I\'d like to share is that while I\'m 50 I am also all the ages I have ever been... I was lucky enough when I was 15 to learn that people basically are all they have ever been. I was working in the garden with a 70 something friend when she told me about her daughter who had died and how her husband who was not her daughter\'s father had said something ugly about perhaps it was a just punishment on her to lose this daughter because she had been born out of wedlock from a relationship prior to this one. This had happened 30 some years prior... She told her husband then that she would never forgive him for what he said. As far as I know she never did. She stayed married to him because she believed in her marriage vows but they lived together politely but without much love... It was so sad. I could see and hear in her voice and face that the pain she felt at losing her child and the anger and pain she felt toward her husband were as fresh for her that day as they had been 30 years before... Now that\'s a sad story but what I\'m trying to say is don\'t feel shy to talk to me if you\'re younger or older... I\'ve been younger and I assume I\'ll get older... Plus I\'ve loved and love a lot of older people so I\'m cool with all of us. *Smile*
Sometimes when I\'m in a bad mood I tell people I\'m too old for cool... but I even come up with a \"my bad\" now and then... wow did that floor my students...
I\'ll Love You For Always is the title of a book by Robert Munch... I think I have that right... Anyway its a great book to share with your children no matter how old or how young they are...
Its also the title I will use for the book I\'m writing about my daughter. If any of you have ideas you\'d like to share to be included in my book please send me a message. My child\'s story, our family\'s story is not unique... This is a painful story that\'s being repeated much too often... Thanks to any and all of you who are reaching out to give love and support and to receive love and support... You are a blessing to yourselves and to us. Hugs Elissa Cara\'s Mom
oh boy,what a year for you.It seems these things always come in groups dosn\'t it.I can seee your strength in what you write though.
...as do i. keep writing...it will help. we\'re reading.
Good Morning,
I\'m off to work today so I won\'t be here. I still want to hear from yall. I do thank you so much for the hugs and prayers. Hopefully I have helped some of yall too. I get to use yall because I live in Louisiana... *Smile* I was born in Oklahoma but I\'ve been in Louisiana so long folks back in Oklahoma laugh at the way I talk. They\'re just jealous... HA HA Love yall and you have a great day. If you don\'t and you need a hug tell me. Cara\'s Mom Elissa
I\'m up way too early but that\'s not unusual right now. I\'m going to go take a hot bath soon and maybe I can get a little more sleep. There\'s a lot of pain here but there is healing too. Obviously we\'re not alone whatever our problem is. I\'m a nurturer by nature. Its been commented on many times before now. Geez what I\'m trying to say is share your stories with me. If I can\'t help in any other way I can listen. I\'m such a talker that\'s hard but I can do it *Smile*
I guess the time will come when I won\'t come here so much... Right now I\'m so glad yall are here... I wonder about the length of my journal entries... Are they too long... Do yall think I want to share too much... I am who I am and you are who you are... I don\'t think I\'ll be too much different in years to come... There will be times I write more and than less but I really want to be here for you and for myself for a long time... I\'ve had that bath yall think I\'ll lie down for an hour before I have to get ready for work. Hugs and have as good a day as you can. Elissa
I\'m doing better. I\'m ready to get back to my book. I was frozen in the pain for a bit. Thanks to all who have responded. I\'ll still check now and then if I can help you leave me a message. Hugs to all of you.
Cara\'s Mom Elissa
ouch... before I left I decided to roam for a bit... there is so much pain here... That\'s not a criticism... that is why I am here and why most of us are here... so I\'m going to keep reaching out... Hugs All
im sorry to hear about your daughter i am a young female who knows people who are \"pill poppers\" and it has led to other drugs like marijuana and heroin and cocaine i feel as if i am unable to help them and they dont care what i have to say i am so sorry that you have had such a tremendous loss in your life
i am also sorry that you had to deal with such losses throughout the year i cant imagine the amount of sorrow you had to deal with and still are it must be extremely difficult but we are all here for you so if you ever just want to talk or comment i am here!!
I\'ve been in and out of here all day... most of the day I\'ve been in and out of bed hiding under my electric blanket... its not really that cold but I can\'t seem to get warm. I brought my husband out to lunch as tomorrow is his birthday but we both work. I have to go to Walmart soon... We\'ve both been putting it off but its got to be done. Our dog Duchess wants her pedigree and no more excuses... actually she\'d rather a ribeye but that\'s not happening *Smile*
I don\'t know how to respond to your comments sometimes... I don\'t know how I\'m dealing with it either but I don\'t have a choice. I\'m still sane enough to know that I have people in my life whom I love and who love me who would be further hurt if I took the easy way out... Also I desperately want to (I\'m doing what I can although its taking longer than I planned on) see the things that I feel contributed to my daughter\'s death improve...
I\'d like to add that I do understand the desire to take your own life... I\'ve had suicidal thoughts many time in my life and certainly I\'ve had them now... basically my philosophy is I won\'t feed that beast and I will feed my sane mind that tells me to hang on... I attempted suicide in 1983... It wasn\'t my first attempt but it was as serious as it gets not to succeed... I put a trash bag under me so when I died I wouldn\'t ruin the bed... by the way did I mention I\'m a queen of cheap... I left my note in the phone book figuring when my husband found my body he\'d have to call for help so he\'d find it... Then the school called... the kids had forgotten their lunch money... Long story short I survived and I\'m not going to lie there have been many wonderful moments in my life that I would not have been here for if I\'d have succeeded. I fully expect that the time will come when I will be glad I\'m still alive. I miss Cara, my mother, my grandmother, Cara\'s father, my own father and so many people but I have them inside of me.
Something else I\'d like to add... after my suicide attempt in 1983 there were several times I\'m ashamed to admit when things weren\'t going my way when I would tell my husband that I wish I\'d succeed... One day I told my husband in a sane moment, \"Honey if I say that will you be kind enough to tell me that you love me and you don\'t want me to commit suicide but that you can\'t watch me 24/7.\" Basically that curbed the threat... I had acknowledged that I was being unfair and given him a gift that he could keep. Acceptance of personal responsibility is hard and no one that I know of does it all the time... but when we can our chances of healing are so much better. There is no golden key to a cure... Its one day at a time sometimes one second... So pray for me and I\'ll pray for you that we hold on to the things that help us and stop feeding the beast.
My mom got me the Book I\'ll love you forever for Christmas. It\'s a great little story.