The beginning of another long stretch
I thought by now I would have something. Something tangible or at least within close reach but I really don't. Its been almost a year since I graduated, the stress of that is all over but I miss it more than I ever thought I would. Yes, I struggle with it no end but going to university even if only once a fortnight gave me a reason to leave the house. Seeing emails from uni in a strange way gave me some company but now I have nothing. In the past year i've applied for many jobs and got interviewed for most, only one was successful - that success by the way lead no where when they decided actually they didn't have the position that they advertised for! I've been working as a volunteer this year and its taught me one thing at least, i'm really not stable or competent enough to teach. I blag my way through but i'm severely lacking the balls to ever do that as a profession. I guess that was always one of my backup plans if nothing ever worked out for me, i guess now there is no back up plan.
I've run out of savings now, my parents are subsidising me i believe as they told me my money would be gone at the end of march. The pressure to get a job is now higher than ever and I everyday i'm without work I feel more useless. Its a common thing at the moment, two of my cousins are out of work and they are far more experienced in their areas than I am in mine.
Currently I sit in my room for 20+hours a day. I haven't left the house in 6 days and prior to that I hadn't left in a week. I find it too hard to leave on my own now and I don't have any friends in order to go out with, its kind of a vicious circle of loneliness. My relationships with just about everyone have pretty much broken down, S and I fell out when I was no longer useful to her, E dumped me last summer, other than that there is no one else. T and I have a complicated relationship now, its good at times but never fulfilling enough. I've come to care for her so much, she calls me her surrogate daughter now but theres a divide that always reminds me that i'm only part of her life when it's her choice. Particularly at the moment i've gone to her a lot as i've been struggling really badly and theres nothing there, its like talking to recorded information that never quite gives you the answers or emotion you need.
Its been suggested now that I return to the doctors with concerns over bipolar disorder. Others have recognised a change and I can't say they aren't without points. I have changed over the last couple of years almost without noticing myself but there is a change and its quite profound when analysed methodically. I'm scared to start this road again, I don't want to go back to psychiatrists and psychologist but If they are correct it could at least explain whats happening to me. I'm just so at a loss with all of this and I don't know how to put a stop to it.
I've run out of savings now, my parents are subsidising me i believe as they told me my money would be gone at the end of march. The pressure to get a job is now higher than ever and I everyday i'm without work I feel more useless. Its a common thing at the moment, two of my cousins are out of work and they are far more experienced in their areas than I am in mine.
Currently I sit in my room for 20+hours a day. I haven't left the house in 6 days and prior to that I hadn't left in a week. I find it too hard to leave on my own now and I don't have any friends in order to go out with, its kind of a vicious circle of loneliness. My relationships with just about everyone have pretty much broken down, S and I fell out when I was no longer useful to her, E dumped me last summer, other than that there is no one else. T and I have a complicated relationship now, its good at times but never fulfilling enough. I've come to care for her so much, she calls me her surrogate daughter now but theres a divide that always reminds me that i'm only part of her life when it's her choice. Particularly at the moment i've gone to her a lot as i've been struggling really badly and theres nothing there, its like talking to recorded information that never quite gives you the answers or emotion you need.
Its been suggested now that I return to the doctors with concerns over bipolar disorder. Others have recognised a change and I can't say they aren't without points. I have changed over the last couple of years almost without noticing myself but there is a change and its quite profound when analysed methodically. I'm scared to start this road again, I don't want to go back to psychiatrists and psychologist but If they are correct it could at least explain whats happening to me. I'm just so at a loss with all of this and I don't know how to put a stop to it.
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