The Beginning

Well oddly enough I am here writing and I have no idea what to even write. My mind is seriously all over the fuckin place. I have just um been um really afraid for the most of my life. I'm ready to stop being afaid and to take control over my life again. I want to recover from the Love Addiction I have had with my ex boyfriend Nigel. Honestly I'm really embarrassed by all of this. It is extremely hard for me to even think about. I mean I feel hurt,betrayed, alone, and just plain old stupid. I have so many regrets. I wish I had listened to my family. I just wonder why me? Then I just hate the fact that I can't help but play the victim. When in fact I knew what I was getting myself into when I was 15 years old. Yes I was very young but, from the beginning I had the notion that I had the power to change someone, to change him into the man of my dreams. I seriously believed this up until last Thursday. Whoa! silly me, shame on me. I thought that if I showed him how pretty I was, how loyal I was, how helpful, encouraging, and an all round great person I was then he would change. Kinda like magic just up and change. It sounds like complete bullshit now but, let me tell you three days ago it sounded pretty good. Then it actually made sense. I wanted the fairytale ending. The bad boy and the good girl she "inspires" him and then he automatically changes into the perfect guy. It's crazy how much I really believed this and how much I really wanted it to happen. I pictured our wedding , our life together, and even made up names for our children someday. I was heavily invested I mean was a billion percent invested into to someone who showed me time and time again that they could honestly care less about me. But guess what? I knew this and kept trying not even trying doing everything in my power to show him I cared and loved him so much. I mean really, giving him money all the time, paying for most lets me honest majority of the dates. I would buy him anything if I had the money. I would make these big gigantic homemade cards for holidays like our anniversaries or Valentine's day. I would stay up all night trying to make sure the card was perfect. Questioning if I had enough stickers...Should I decorate more? Is it good enough? Will he like it? Maybe I should add this or that. Ugh! Writing this is making me sick. Then I would I make sure I wrote the most inspirational words in the card. I thought if I wrote that I believed in him and that I loved him so much. Maybe this time it would actually be enough and that he would change. Because of me, I wanted to be his savior. The funny thing is I didn't want to acknowledge the error of my ways until three days ago.