The begining stages of grieving (my experience)

I remember the first time I went in the grogery store, to get food. I was looking for the stuff Ryan liked to eat. It was the hardest thing I had to do. I walked up & down the Ilses, EVERYTHING I was looking at reminded me of Ryan. All the food Ryan liked, I would pick up, and put it back on the shelve. I did that a couple dozen times. I couldn't look at anybody, I was afraid I would break down fall to the floor, waking up with perametics looking over me. I couldn't get out of the store quick enough. I only got bread & milk. As I was driving down the road everywhere I looked was unreal looking, everything swaying, as though life was going on without me, and I had to exist, all I could do is scream and cry. I couldn't see anything but Ryan, my life was over. everywhere I looked, I'd see a white car like his, Boy's of all ages flashing through my head, children with their moms & dads, teenagers playing sports, baby's in their strollers,  OOOH !  How I hated seeing life go on, without Ryan. The FEAR of living without him was so frightening, I wanted to die, but didn't know how to..This was just the begining stages of the grieving.. The journey has just begun...Hang in there!