The Beast Lies
Way back when... I used to be part of a support group for depression. One of the things we used to liken depression to was a "beast". This beast would tear apart our lives and destroy all that we found good. It was a way to separate ourselves from the depression, I guess. Instead of BECOMING the depression, we could realize that it was separate and therefore battle it and fight against it and (hopefully!) separate enough from it that we could move away from it and leave it behind.
One thing that was often said was, "The beast lies." When depressed, the little nagging voice in one's head that offers up criticism and doubt and fear is incredibly loud. "You're so stupid." "No one could possibly like you." "You'll never be good enough." My inner voice is critical even when I'm not in the midst of depression, but when I'm depressed it's such a strong force that it's really hard to ignore and overcome. Knowing that "the beast lies" helps. It means that when I have those feelings of doubt and fear and incompetence they are not necessarily true. The Beast lies.
I had done a pretty good job after individual counseling in learning to not take the lies of the beast at face value. I might still hear, "everybody wishes you'd just go away," but I could take that and then counter with, "that's not true... a LOT of people reach out to me and push their way into my life - why would they do that if they didn't want me around?" It wasn't always easy, but I could reason with my own doubts and fears and extend myself beyond my comfort zones because I knew that the Beast lies and the truth was, I'm just like everyone else - I make mistakes, I have weaknesses, but at my core, I am loveable, valuable, and worthy.
And then the affair happened.
The Beast came back full force. Not just in the form of depression but the nagging voice that would say, "Of course he cheated on you... you're ugly and worthless and stupid and weak and..." (on and on and on...) "See! You never were good enough!" "Ha! PROOF that you're not worthy of being loved!" The beast: triumphant.
It's crushing to be back at square one. I was in IC for YEARS to overcome depression and the Beast. Now it's as if I never went. Worse, in fact. Because not only do I have the nagging feelings of, "You're not good enough," but the Beast lies in other ways, too. "You better go check his email! He's having another affair!" "QUICK, check the phone records! He's acting suspicious!" Paranoia is just ever-so-much-fun. Not.
The thing I realized today while responding to a DS post is that there is this uncertainty I now have. If I don't listen to the "little nagging voice" - the one that screamed, "SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT!!" when my husband was having his affair, then I am at risk for being hurt all over again. But I can't tell anymore which is the Beast (who lies!!) and which is the Voice of Caution, only out to keep me from being hurt.
Very often the Beast pretends to be the Voice of Caution... you know? Telling me to not do something or to "play it safe" so I don't get hurt, except the underlying message is, "play it safe because you're not good enough" - not "play it safe because this risk isn't worth it".
I am scared. And confused. I don't know how to distinguish between the two anymore and I do NOT want to ignore the Voice of Caution ever, EVER again.
* Disclaimer: I do not ACTUALLY have voices in my head telling me what to do. When I say "voices" I am just sort of personifying intense feelings. Wanted to clarify that so people didn't think I was batshit crazy.
One thing that was often said was, "The beast lies." When depressed, the little nagging voice in one's head that offers up criticism and doubt and fear is incredibly loud. "You're so stupid." "No one could possibly like you." "You'll never be good enough." My inner voice is critical even when I'm not in the midst of depression, but when I'm depressed it's such a strong force that it's really hard to ignore and overcome. Knowing that "the beast lies" helps. It means that when I have those feelings of doubt and fear and incompetence they are not necessarily true. The Beast lies.
I had done a pretty good job after individual counseling in learning to not take the lies of the beast at face value. I might still hear, "everybody wishes you'd just go away," but I could take that and then counter with, "that's not true... a LOT of people reach out to me and push their way into my life - why would they do that if they didn't want me around?" It wasn't always easy, but I could reason with my own doubts and fears and extend myself beyond my comfort zones because I knew that the Beast lies and the truth was, I'm just like everyone else - I make mistakes, I have weaknesses, but at my core, I am loveable, valuable, and worthy.
And then the affair happened.
The Beast came back full force. Not just in the form of depression but the nagging voice that would say, "Of course he cheated on you... you're ugly and worthless and stupid and weak and..." (on and on and on...) "See! You never were good enough!" "Ha! PROOF that you're not worthy of being loved!" The beast: triumphant.
It's crushing to be back at square one. I was in IC for YEARS to overcome depression and the Beast. Now it's as if I never went. Worse, in fact. Because not only do I have the nagging feelings of, "You're not good enough," but the Beast lies in other ways, too. "You better go check his email! He's having another affair!" "QUICK, check the phone records! He's acting suspicious!" Paranoia is just ever-so-much-fun. Not.
The thing I realized today while responding to a DS post is that there is this uncertainty I now have. If I don't listen to the "little nagging voice" - the one that screamed, "SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT!!" when my husband was having his affair, then I am at risk for being hurt all over again. But I can't tell anymore which is the Beast (who lies!!) and which is the Voice of Caution, only out to keep me from being hurt.
Very often the Beast pretends to be the Voice of Caution... you know? Telling me to not do something or to "play it safe" so I don't get hurt, except the underlying message is, "play it safe because you're not good enough" - not "play it safe because this risk isn't worth it".
I am scared. And confused. I don't know how to distinguish between the two anymore and I do NOT want to ignore the Voice of Caution ever, EVER again.
* Disclaimer: I do not ACTUALLY have voices in my head telling me what to do. When I say "voices" I am just sort of personifying intense feelings. Wanted to clarify that so people didn't think I was batshit crazy.
Replies
Haha and I was going to ask if you had considered batshit crazy before I read that disclaimer :-) just kidding but I have the same voices and it\'s hard to distinguish sometimes ... Totally understand what ur saying
Nah, I totally AM batshit crazy, just in different ways than \"oh the voices talk to me\" ;)
Reminds me of the bumper sticker I saw years ago.. \"don\'t believe everything you think\".
First off, you need to add to your \'good\' self talk that you are incredibly eloquent and therefore, have a real knack for saying what others think and feel but can\'t express as well as you. Try and add THAT to the voices in your head (there\'s a challenge..a compliment! ha ha)
The paranoia of which you speak is a tough one as it\'s a \'natural\' self protect/survival mechanism that after trauma, becomes a cycle of brain chemical anxiety. These thoughts do little, other than to calm the anxiety. I do the same.. REGULARLY!
After I obsess, check and then find nothing, I feel myself then flushed with anxiety calming brain chemicals.
Realistically, think about it, the only sure thing that will assure you won\'t be hurt again is NOT knowing... (not saying this is the way to go).
So for me, it really makes no real sense to be obsessing because my energy actually needs to go towards addressing the real issue, which is the anxiety issue that I need to get a grip on.
As for your inner talk that picks on you and you use to validate your h affair, it is said, that we like to think thoughts familiar to us because even if self depreciating, they bring comfort. This is because regular thoughts that were reinforced \'way back when\' by feelings, stimulate those brain \'drugs again\'. Yes,we literally, get addicted to our own thoughts (negative or positive) on a chemical level.
The only way to replace the negative internal dialogue with positive (they say) is not to try and talk yourself out of it but to replace it with a new brain chemical familiarity pattern/cocktail.
If you work on the premise that all is learned via positive and negative reinforcement and that our feeling responses create brain chemicals, then the \'new normal\' we need to create, needs to be reinforced and rewarded by stuff that makes us FEEL good in some way. This way, new neuro pathways and chemicals are created with in the brain.
You don\'t even have to believe it (god If you waited for that day to come, you\'d get nowhere!) You just have to set them up to be said, read or whatever, in a way that illicit s a \'feeling response\' in you. You can do this by stimulating the senses with pleasurable associations ie touch (a pet, a hug, massage etc) visual (someone smiling, art, seeing nature shots etc) audible ie music, sound of waves etc food you like etc etc
A really big chemical creator has been found in laughter.
A friend I had was a good cartoonist and responded a lot to visual things so, she decided to draw lots of pictures of herself being adored and appreciated by her loved ones.She placed them all around the house to pass by everyday for weeks.
One saw her being lovably clumsy and people looking on in joy, another, saw her being adored and cherished by many whilst she juggled her chores in in her bathrobe and curlers Making herself laugh, stimulated a lot of feel good brain chemicals that were stored, recognized and activated later on when she thought of herself. creating happy stories about and around herself helped even more.
Get creative with it. Sorry for the book....! big hugs xxx
Thank you, chimein. This was actually very helpful to me. I\'ll definitely let it roll around in my brain more until I can figure out how to build on it myself.
I really love your journal entries Allora. They make me think in a different way. Thinking of my depression and the things it makes me think and feel as a beast... It sounds so much easier than trying to defeat something within myself. I get in a cycle of depression telling me that I can\'t get rid of it because it is who I am. But to think of it as something separate from myself, I don\'t know, it\'s just never crossed my mind.
I wish I had advice for you, but I don\'t since this is something I\'m majorly struggling with myself. I just wanted to let you know that I\'m pretty sure you just helped me immensely =)