The Beast/Depression
Just writing to a friend ( you know who you are :) ) and I realized how much I have been "faking it". Trying to get by, pretend to be ok, etc. I watch myself from outside of myself (not through an accurate lens, either) and I see the things I should say/do and I know what the appropriate action and reaction should be (mostly) so I can usually puppeteer myself to look "normal". But I have not been normal or ok for quite sometime.
It's tricky, though. Being depressed is a weird sort of insanity. I know I'm not OK. I know that what I am feeling is "too much". I know that the beast is lying and whispering bad things to me. The problem is that there is too much truth in the beast's lies. Depression tells me I will never be good enough. Well? That's true - depending on which stick I'm measuring with, eh? Depression tells me that no matter what I do, it's sort of hopeless in the end. Well, duh. In the end, I will die, and 100 years from then (who am I kidding: probably 30 years or less!) I will be utterly and completely forgotten. And even if not then, even if I do something utterly amazing and stunning and memorable, ultimately, all the people everywhere will one day all be gone. Thus, everything we do, IS ultimately worthless. Right?
But that's the tricky part of this insanity. I know that's not entirely true. Well. It IS entirely true. But it isn't the whole truth. The whole truth is that the moment we are in is all that really matters. It's the only one we truly control. It doesn't matter if there is no longevity in the smile I put on someone's face in that EXACT moment. It matters that I am doing it and finding fulfillment in that moment. I know this. I believe it, even when I am depressed. I just can't LIVE it when I am depressed.
It's so hard. It's soso hard. I am trying to make good choices. I don't always succeed (God bless you to those who do!) but I am trying. And still, I feel this shadow wrapping itself around me. Sometimes I lean into it and just let myself be depressed because I NEED to just BE what I AM. Sometimes I fight it, only to find myself smothering in it and completely terrified. Other times, I am just worn out from pushing, pushing, pushing, constantly pushing back on this invisible thing that is me and isn't me and utterly and completely destroys me.
The Huz made an appointment for the 13th to see the GP. It seems that was the soonest she was willing to take this on. I suspect it's a matter of, "oh suuure you're depressed... well, let's just wait and see if you still are in a couple of weeks" test. Huz isn't good enough at being an advocate to say, "No: this has been going on too long and this can't wait," so we wait. I know the hazards and pitfalls of seeing a GP for psychiatric help, but if it's going to take THAT long to see a GP, it's going to take even longer to get into a psychiatrist without any sort of referral. It's best to see what she says, hope she can jump start recover, and really hope she gets a referral for a qualified professional who can follow up more efficiently and more effectively than a GP can. This - this is a good sign, that a) I'm even willing to go and b) that I have any hope whatsoever that this can have an outcome.
The beast keeps whispering whispering whispering, "the doctor won't help you," "you can't be helped," "this is just going to waste what little energy and fight you have left in you," "you're not worth it, anyway," "you're being a burden," "stop rocking the boat," and while I see truth in those whispered lies, I'm still fighting, still pushing back, even though it's exhausting me.
I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be not-ok. I still remember that OK exists, even though I have doubts I will ever be able to get back there again. It's a weird and uncomfortable middle-place, a purgatory of my own making and I hate it. It is, at least for the moment, a safer place than the full blown dark depression of giving up, so I guess I will be thankful for the place I stand and keep working to move elsewhere.
It's tricky, though. Being depressed is a weird sort of insanity. I know I'm not OK. I know that what I am feeling is "too much". I know that the beast is lying and whispering bad things to me. The problem is that there is too much truth in the beast's lies. Depression tells me I will never be good enough. Well? That's true - depending on which stick I'm measuring with, eh? Depression tells me that no matter what I do, it's sort of hopeless in the end. Well, duh. In the end, I will die, and 100 years from then (who am I kidding: probably 30 years or less!) I will be utterly and completely forgotten. And even if not then, even if I do something utterly amazing and stunning and memorable, ultimately, all the people everywhere will one day all be gone. Thus, everything we do, IS ultimately worthless. Right?
But that's the tricky part of this insanity. I know that's not entirely true. Well. It IS entirely true. But it isn't the whole truth. The whole truth is that the moment we are in is all that really matters. It's the only one we truly control. It doesn't matter if there is no longevity in the smile I put on someone's face in that EXACT moment. It matters that I am doing it and finding fulfillment in that moment. I know this. I believe it, even when I am depressed. I just can't LIVE it when I am depressed.
It's so hard. It's soso hard. I am trying to make good choices. I don't always succeed (God bless you to those who do!) but I am trying. And still, I feel this shadow wrapping itself around me. Sometimes I lean into it and just let myself be depressed because I NEED to just BE what I AM. Sometimes I fight it, only to find myself smothering in it and completely terrified. Other times, I am just worn out from pushing, pushing, pushing, constantly pushing back on this invisible thing that is me and isn't me and utterly and completely destroys me.
The Huz made an appointment for the 13th to see the GP. It seems that was the soonest she was willing to take this on. I suspect it's a matter of, "oh suuure you're depressed... well, let's just wait and see if you still are in a couple of weeks" test. Huz isn't good enough at being an advocate to say, "No: this has been going on too long and this can't wait," so we wait. I know the hazards and pitfalls of seeing a GP for psychiatric help, but if it's going to take THAT long to see a GP, it's going to take even longer to get into a psychiatrist without any sort of referral. It's best to see what she says, hope she can jump start recover, and really hope she gets a referral for a qualified professional who can follow up more efficiently and more effectively than a GP can. This - this is a good sign, that a) I'm even willing to go and b) that I have any hope whatsoever that this can have an outcome.
The beast keeps whispering whispering whispering, "the doctor won't help you," "you can't be helped," "this is just going to waste what little energy and fight you have left in you," "you're not worth it, anyway," "you're being a burden," "stop rocking the boat," and while I see truth in those whispered lies, I'm still fighting, still pushing back, even though it's exhausting me.
I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be not-ok. I still remember that OK exists, even though I have doubts I will ever be able to get back there again. It's a weird and uncomfortable middle-place, a purgatory of my own making and I hate it. It is, at least for the moment, a safer place than the full blown dark depression of giving up, so I guess I will be thankful for the place I stand and keep working to move elsewhere.
Replies
That is long.
Can you at all afford the out of insurance psychiatrist?
Virtual hugs.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHHPNMIK-fY
I agree!!! Psychiatrist will get you together rather fast!
I m so sorry you are having such a tough time, Allora...
Xo
It\'s not about affording. We have PPO - I don\'t need a referral to be seen - it\'s that it could easily take 3-6 months to be seen. A p-doc who gets a self referral automatically thinks that the patient is either not crazy enough to need to be seen or a total hypochondriac and/or hysteric and will say: try counseling.
The fastest way in to a p-doc is via ER - but that means mental hospital stay (expensive even with insurance) and really unnecessary at this point.
Also: it\'s important to rule out potential physiological reasons for depression (vitamin deficiencies, thyroid issues, etc.)
Sadly, not my first rodeo. I know GP is the best first step in non-life threatening depression, even if it seems like the least efficient.
I have to disagree with you on that one. I self referred to several psychiatrists and got treatment without any problems.
Psychiatrists want the business, they are not money making factories like the surgical centers.
There are also psych nurse practitioners who can function independently that would be happy to write you some scripts. If you go on a local website that reviews psychiatric practitioners, i am confident you will find someone who is loved by patients.
The last nurse practitioner to give me an RX nearly killed me with an inappropriate prescription and no follow up.
I can\'t wait three months to be seen. This will either resolve itself by then or spiral out of control. Based on my typical seasonal shit? It will spiral down. My worst issues with cutting and my two suicide attempts were all in December.
Yes: I can wait until I am literally broken and bleeding and go straight to ER (if I survive that long) but it seems better to try to go through the jackass hoops in place to get expedited help.
GPs are not qualified to treat depression. And no one can tell which one is not life-threatening.
Nor it ER a right way to get anywhere unless you broke your leg ate having a heart attack.
You should be able to make normal appointment with a psychiatrist directly. I suggested out of insurance because the best ones take no insurance. And you want the best one. It takes 4-6 weeks for an antidepressant to kick in. And the first choice my not be the best for you.
My GP has been very good when he prescribed some bupropion (Wellbutrin) about 3 months after dday when I realized I needed help. It did take about a month to wait for an appointment, however, so I went to the urgent care that is associated with the medical group he is a part of. The urgent care doc was great and gave me a prescription for a month\'s worth of bupropion to get me started. Do you have anything like that facility you can go to?
Depression is a form of mental illness. It is a chemical defect, not a character weakness. So don\'t let the voice inside your head imply you are worthless to have this disease. Some people get relief from meds in much less than 4 to 6 weeks! In the meantime, while waiting for treatment, try Yacon root capsules or syrup. It will raise the levels of \"feel good\" serotonin in your brain.
jayalexander: Agreed that GPs are not qualified to treat depression long term. However, they are qualified to say to referred pdoc: THIS WILL NOT WAIT 2-3 months and nudge me up on the list. I can\'t do that on my own - believe me, been there, done that. Trying to do so results in, \"If it\'s that bad, just go to the ER.\"
Yes: on the 4-6 weeks. Generally (for me, based on the meds I have taken in the past) it\'s 3+ weeks. Which is why waiting 2+ months (current wait list for pdocs in this area) is not a realistic option.
Out of insurance: Agreed. Not really an option, no. Again with the long wait list. When we took our daughter, we got in quickly because of her (feeble, but still...) \"suicide attempt\". However, it was $650 out of pocket just to have her evaluated. It would have been even more long term care. Her pdoc recommended a $600 brain scan before even attempting meds and suggested other, non-med treatments in the meantime.
With my oldest living back at home, my middle kiddo having all the court/counseling stuff and needing wisdom teeth out, car registration just having been paid on 3 cars, and the holidays fast approaching, it\'s not feasible to come up with $1200 out of pocket and waiting months to be seen - even by \"the best\". I just don\'t see how to make that happen.
Crap. At this point I don\'t even want to go to anyone, anymore.
I tried to respond but when I was done with my response the submit button dissapeared. Maybe this short response will go through. I cut and pasted the response to a pm.