The Bad Guy

Something that always seems to ruin my relationships with people is my PTSD. I have flashbacks triggered by people yelling at me or raising their fist or doing something that spikes my adrenaline, and then i end up having a flashback and acting out, reliving the most traumatic experiences of my life in vivid detail and disassociating from the present reality. Then I come to find that people think i am a bad person and don't seem to understand that their violent or aggressive behavior triggered me and my screaming and crying. I have been kicked out many places and lost many friends because of this. It just makes me sad that it is so hard for people to understand when I disassociate. Like I wish people knew what it is like to relive your father putting power tools in your face and through the back of your hand. Or the time he broke my ribs, or anything that i have to live with for the rest of my life. Like it isn't enough that I lived through that trauma and finally escaped as an adult, but now I have to be haunted by it every time someone raises their voice at me or curses at me, or anything aggressive. But then the other person takes it personal and thinks that either I am horrible or that i am demonizing them and pretending they are abusive. Now my roommates are leaving after i screamed and kicked on the floor because i was having a flash back to one of the times one of my brothers raped me. But no, I'm the bad person, not the person who has triggered my ptsd 5 times in 6 months for various reasons, and none of them where simple accidents, but instead caused by how mean that person is and their regular personal attacks after I simply only make unpersonal roommate requests.