The backslide

I am new to this blog, And I have been in search for support groups dealing with or has dealt with verbally abusive partners.  I was in a three and half year relationship with someone who knew exactly how to put me down and make me feel insane. (He was a behavior analyst/therapist)  I finally left the relationship about a month ago, but last night I found myself crying, tossing and turning and not able to sleep because all I wanted was to hear his voice. All I wanted was to hear him say, “come over and let’s talk and have wine” And I gave in and rang him. He didn’t answer, but I found myself asking questions. Like: why on earth would I call him?  What was I going to say? Do I not remember all the tears, all the fights, all the hurtful words and actions?  

But, It was like my brain had completely misconstrued the facts. All I could think about were the good times (there wasn’t that many) but all the negative, all the bad, had vanished. And I was remembering this fairytale relationship that did not exist.  Even now I’m pining for him, for the love that he denied me.  His attention that was always cruel.  The little physical touch he would give me, I want.  And now I fear that if he does call back or email I won’t have the strength to ignore it. Because I opened the line of communication. And there will be no one else to blame but myself.