The B word

A lot has happened since my last entry.
As this journal is essentially, a record for myself I won’t go into it too much.
However I currently have a NEW older boyfriend and also a NEW job in marketing, which seems to be going ok. Mainly because my boss is crazier than I am (a BAD alcoholic) so she takes a lot of the attention away from me and I look like an apple polisher compared to her.
 
Anyway, new boyfriend decided that I should go back to therapy (I haven’t been for over a year- I’ve been hiding from it after bad experiences with my CPN). He said sometimes I hurt his feelings and he can accept that I am not very well but if I am not doing anything about it then its selfish- he’s right. I have always said I don’t want to end up like my dad- sick, hiding it with a drinking problem and taking it out on everybody instead of getting help.
 
I went back to the doctors, the GP referred me to a half councillor/ half clinical psychologist who in his words, usually worked with people ‘a bit more badly affected’ than me. Feeling quite positive that I had made some improvements that a clinical psychologist was deemed as a bit unnecessary for someone of my health, I went along to the session yesterday.
 
I told her everything, but she seemed a bit more concerned about my past and how long I had been in primary care for. She said I’ve had some of the best doctors they’ve had to offer so it’s a bit strange that I’m still having problems. She said a lot of teenagers can seem like they have bipolar, but it doesn’t really develop until you reach your twenties. She said although I was screened for Bipolar at 17 and it was suspected I have it, my doctors couldn’t settle on a diagnosis because I was too young at the time.
 
She was actually a very nice and compassionate doctor, she said it sounds like my life is very frightening and she would feel anxious and panicky too. I told her I was fed up of not having stable relationships/accommodation/jobs and constantly being upset. I told her I had been avoiding my friends for about a month because I was convinced that they hated me. It turns out I have also been having hallucinations but I thought they were normal! I really thought everybody had them!
 
Well she’s referring me to the Limbrick, which is the kind of ‘city nuthouse’ where I live. Not to stay forever, just to visit there as an outpatient. They are going to screen me for bipolar again and see if they can find me a diagnosis.
 
I’m very frightened and very worried but I think that this is for the best really and I really hope that I finally get the help that I need J