The attic
Jeff-
After traveling a lot in the past month, I decided to take advantage of being home this weekend to shovel out what used to be a walk-in closet. I finally ventured up on a ladder to see what kind of attic space we have above the garage and decided it was really underutilized storage space. With that new knowledge, I started moving old boxes from the closet to the attic, along with filling several bags with clothes for the Goodwill. But I didn't get rid of your clothes. I took each shirt off its hanger, flashed back to a memory of you wearing it, folded it, and placed it in a clothes basket. I moved them to the attic, along with some of my things that I had done fine without for the past 2 years, so figured I could safely store them away. I was doing ok until I got to the suitcase you had packed for the business mtg you were going to head out for the night you died. Still packed, I couldn't bring myself to open it and unpack it. The irony just got the best of me. I thought of how many times we pack for trips, say our goodbyes with a kiss and a smile and assume we will be returning home to our loved ones. But for this journey there was no goodbye, no kiss, no smile....just departure and a bag left behind to symbolize a journey on which I did not accompany you. I couldn't finish the closet cleaning, but as I turned to walk away, a box caught my eye and in it, I found our wedding video. I hadn't watched it for several years. I watched it tonight with the kids and I smiled through most of it. You were so handsome and we were so obviously in love, it was as if the world around us need not exist. I listened for the part that says "until death do us part" and had to smile more when I heard that we didn't say that, but instead said "as long as we both shall live".....and that is what I am trying to do. I'm trying to live in a way that honors you and our family and I know you live on in all of the kids----including the many students you took under your wing in your tremendous career. I don't want to be here without you, and yet I know that I have to be. It doesn't seem right or fair or any of those things we all want our lives to be, but I trust in God and know that He will show me day by day what each next step is until we are all together again. When I'm crying like I am now, I sometimes feel like God will question my faith and trust in Him, but, then again, He created you and brought you into my life, so He must understand that the tears are born of sadness that I'm not sharing each day with you, rather than of doubt that I will see you again someday. Until then, please keep giving me the gentle nudges I need as I blindly navigate this path and know that I wouldn't have traded a single day that we shared as husband and wife. I love you. Always-CJ
After traveling a lot in the past month, I decided to take advantage of being home this weekend to shovel out what used to be a walk-in closet. I finally ventured up on a ladder to see what kind of attic space we have above the garage and decided it was really underutilized storage space. With that new knowledge, I started moving old boxes from the closet to the attic, along with filling several bags with clothes for the Goodwill. But I didn't get rid of your clothes. I took each shirt off its hanger, flashed back to a memory of you wearing it, folded it, and placed it in a clothes basket. I moved them to the attic, along with some of my things that I had done fine without for the past 2 years, so figured I could safely store them away. I was doing ok until I got to the suitcase you had packed for the business mtg you were going to head out for the night you died. Still packed, I couldn't bring myself to open it and unpack it. The irony just got the best of me. I thought of how many times we pack for trips, say our goodbyes with a kiss and a smile and assume we will be returning home to our loved ones. But for this journey there was no goodbye, no kiss, no smile....just departure and a bag left behind to symbolize a journey on which I did not accompany you. I couldn't finish the closet cleaning, but as I turned to walk away, a box caught my eye and in it, I found our wedding video. I hadn't watched it for several years. I watched it tonight with the kids and I smiled through most of it. You were so handsome and we were so obviously in love, it was as if the world around us need not exist. I listened for the part that says "until death do us part" and had to smile more when I heard that we didn't say that, but instead said "as long as we both shall live".....and that is what I am trying to do. I'm trying to live in a way that honors you and our family and I know you live on in all of the kids----including the many students you took under your wing in your tremendous career. I don't want to be here without you, and yet I know that I have to be. It doesn't seem right or fair or any of those things we all want our lives to be, but I trust in God and know that He will show me day by day what each next step is until we are all together again. When I'm crying like I am now, I sometimes feel like God will question my faith and trust in Him, but, then again, He created you and brought you into my life, so He must understand that the tears are born of sadness that I'm not sharing each day with you, rather than of doubt that I will see you again someday. Until then, please keep giving me the gentle nudges I need as I blindly navigate this path and know that I wouldn't have traded a single day that we shared as husband and wife. I love you. Always-CJ
Replies
CJ - What a terrific weekend for you and a beautiful journal. I so understand what you\'re saying - I don\'t want to be here, to do this without Mark either, but I know that I must. I know that he is trusting me to take care of things that he is not here to watch over - especially the kids. Rachel is planning a wedding for May 7th - and it\'s hard for her to make plans without her Dad here, so I\'m the one that she turns to and I know I will always be there for her.
I talk to Mark often - I believe that he hears me and guides me when I need his guidance (which is sometimes quite often !!). And like you, I would not have traded one minute of our live together.
Thanks so much for sharing - your journal is making me smile thru some tears. Hugs,
Chris
yes, Im so sorry, the tears, just wont stop, going thru our old belongings,. rips my heart out,.. Ive been going thru some things, having a real hard time as well,.. Some things I was able to give to the SalvationArmy, others, like you, was not. very brave, watching the wedding video, I have ours, as well as a picture tray that was played during the funeral, of mostly Kellys life,. I cant hardly watch that either,.. thinking of you, saying my prayers,.. your friend, Dave