The approach of Christmas

It is 5:18am,and I have been awake now since 3:20am,and yet another nighttime vigil commands my attendance,due to coughing attacks, which were again relieved somewhat by being physically sick.Not an ideal solution,but an effective one,as it clears the phlegm and mucus enough to take my inhaler,which I am still waiting to feel the full effect of.My body feels shaky,with the inevitable stiffness and ache in my bones;but my mental state remains more positive than negative,and the whisper of hope that was there yesterday,has ignited into a flicker of flame,with the breath of a new day.I enjoy these times of solitude,it gives a man time to collect his thoughts,be one with his God;and to enjoy the peace that the silence of the night brings to a troubled soul.I am reminded of something someone said to me long ago,I think it is only now,I truly understand what he meant;he said,"the man who forgets where he came from,doesn't know where he's going";it made no sense at the time,but,as always,the passing years, and the experience gained within their span,broaden and enhance one's wisdom.Today, I think he meant that it's okay to visit the past,we all do,but to dwell on the tragic and the painful,serves no purpose except to make the present equally as sad and full of hurt as the past;we are re-living our history when there is no need,we've already lived it.Our eyes should be facing forward,the road is before us not behind;and if we continually look over our shoulders,we will never be able to see what approaches us;at least I think that's what he meant.This month has always been a difficult one for me in recent years,we will celebrate Christmas for the twenty fifth time,without my beloved baby girl who passed away on St. Valentines day 1987;she was seven years old.This year,instead of being crippled by memories of that time,I will instead remember the smile that made me want to lasso the moon for her;I will remember the fierce grip of her embrace that told me,"your my daddy,and I'm never letting go"and I will shed good tears,tears that glisten with happiness and pride;and be warmed by the certainty in my heart,that her mommy is beside her and keeping her safe.
              I remember my wife of today and I, embarking on our first tentative steps towards what we have now,and our hesitation and trepidation about the future.I retired to bed one night,and I had a dream,unlike any I had experienced before;and on awakening the next morning,I felt compelled to sit at my desk and write.My pen seemed to flow completely independently of my hand,and I was unaware of what I'd written until I read it;I sent it to my wife,and we've been together ever since.I'd like to share it with you journal;
                                               "Heartsong of our Souls"
 
             I walked with God this morning,he took me to a place,
            where the sun shone all the time,and it was warm on my face,
            in a field of golden corn,the gentlest breezes blew,
            He pointed to a tree,and sat beneath that tree was you;
 
           behind the tree there was a fence,and sat upon the gate,
           a woman and a child waved,and smiled as they wait,
           and as I walked towards you all,the sun came out so bright,
          and bathed all three of you,in such a soft and loving light;
 
         You raised your head as I approached,and then reached out a hand,
         then smiled,and I smiled back,and then I helped you stand,
         and then the woman and the child joined us at that tree,
        she kissed you then and said,"this is my gift to you from me";
 
        and from around my neck,she took a cross I'd worn so long,
        she blessed it with a kiss,and then she sang this little song,
       "this cross I give you with much love,and now I change my role,
        but we'll always be together in the heartsong of our soul";
 
       she put the cross upon your neck,and placed your hand in mine,
       and then said,"now I give you,this man who once was mine,
      I've waited for this moment,in his heart there was a hole,
      now it's filled by you,this is the heartsong of our soul";
 
      the little girl then tugged your dress,and as you bent to see,
      she said,"my mommy gave to you a gift,now here's a gift from me,
      I give to you my daddy,please love him as I do,
     and look up every night so I can say goodnight to you";
 
     and as you promised that you would,she said,"I'm by the moon,
     the first star on the left is me,so listen for my tune,
     and you will hear my singing,in a sky that's black as coal,
     I'm so glad we're all together,in the heartsong of our soul";
   
    and then they walked to God,leaving us beneath the tree,
    then just before they left,they turned and waved to you and me,
    a wondrous sense of peace prevailed,and calmness you could touch,
    and as they went we heard them call,"we love you,very much";
 
    and then we knew,no matter what we both went through in life,
    we would always have each other,through joy and tears and strife,
    for the gifts these angels gave us,in that field was meant to be,
    a love so rare,a heartsong of our soul for you and me;
 
   so look up to the sky at night,and where the moon is high,
   you'll see them wave and sing their song,our own sweet lullaby,
   and in our hearts we'll feel them,for their happy now you see,
   that's why they gave a heartsong of our soul to you and me.
 
 There you go journal,and yes,I did cry;but tears of gratitude that I had shared a brief moment in time with two of the most beautiful human beings I have ever met;and the legacy that carries on now through the wonderful woman who sleeps soundly in our bed,a few steps away from where I sit now.So we march forward,you and I,and this day begins with an upgrade to the little green fellow who doesn't look so good,but his smile is my smile today;let's see if we can maintain it till bedtime;peace be within us.