The Anger.

Even after attempting suicide 8 times throughout the last 4 years, I still get angry. I get so mad when I OD or slit my wrists or whatever and I wake up or I just get very sick and I can feel death but it doesn't come. I've even gotten to the point where I see a light and a voice told me to go back. I just got so mad. I wanted to go to that place, I felt happy there. For once I was genuinely happy there. I spent several days crying and screaming because I disagreed with the voice, I didn't want to be on earth. I didn't belong there. I believe I saw an angel, that was the voice. The angel stopped me. I'm still so mad and I always get mad when people stop me. I almost made it to death, but I was stopped! I know what Hell feels like, and I felt heaven for the first time. I live in hell, and I wanted the heaven. But I wasn't ready... I still wonder, god why do you leave me in hell, why do you let me suffer like this. I can't handle this!! Why are you doing this?! Sometimes I wonder if there even is a god, but I saw an angel so there must be a god... But why is he doing this to me. I've lost everything, no family, no happiness, I'm losing my friends, I'm losing everything, even school, I suck. My abusers took my freedom, my virginity, my gifts, my agency. I'm a prisoner. I'm a tool. I'm not living, I died long ago... I never really lived. I hate myself, I hate others, I just hate, there's barely room for love and I've had I broken so many times.. I can't really trust people. I'm broken, I'm worthless... All I do is hurt people.. I'm tortured every second, I have nightmares about the past and present. I'm always in so much pain, pain that can't be healed... Why can't I be happy, why won't you let me feel happy? The only thing that can heal me, take away the pain is death. It's sad but it's the truth... Think about how much your hurting me by keeping me here? You add to the torture. You add to the pain. Your holding me in hell. Please just let me rest in peace. Let me be happy for once... I made you happy, now it's my turn.