The End

I realized two things today, that I am afraid of dying and of the end of the world. The end world is really death too, so that is why it scares me. People say I should not fear it because I will go to heaven, but I don't really believe I will. I feel like I will go to a bad place, because I have not helped the Lord in any way. The very reason I got baptized was bad enough, I only really did it because I saw someone else get baptized earlier that day, so I just copy catted them. I didn't get this feeling of freedom or of comfort, I just remember getting water up my nose.
I feel like my whole relationship with the Lord was built on a lie, I only remember feeling happy in the meetings because I was in love with a guy, this made me love everything about the meeting and I felt like I was on cloud nine. But it never lasted because none of them liked me.
After John especially, it all started to break down. I felt the Lord had betrayed me, because I was so sure John was the one. Because it had felt like I'd been lead to him, seeing it all in a dream and all.
Because of this, and because I have such a fear of the end of the world, it seems to have made me fear the Lord himself, and not make me very keen on trusting him. I feel like he only wants to hurt me.
The truth is I don't desire him, I find it so hard to. I would rather watch TV, watch movies, play games, concentrate on the people around me and listen to worldly music. (yes I find it hard to sing hymns now).
I believe nothing in my life will ever work out, and when I give it to the Lord, he will only make sure it won't, because I put it all before him. And he's a jealous God. So, Lord I cannot do it, I can't be what you want me to be, I can't be what anyone else wants me to be. You chose the wrong baby, I should've never been born, I feel like I'm too much of a child, and will find it too hard to deal with being an adult, let alone the end of the world.
All I have ever wanted is to be married and have a family. But at the most I will probably only have twenty more years of my life to go, because the end is most definitely coming soon. We're the most perverse, loose generation to date. Not mention the fricken birth pangs, which I just soooooo love! Got to love fricken earth quakes! Can't wait to fall down a crack in the ground! That sure sounds like my idea of fun!
I wish I was born in the 1800's because the time was so much more innocent, or even when my grandparents or when my parents were born. But no, I had to be born in the fucked up age where women have "rights" and equal to men. We have to work to live because the cost of living is so high. I mean seriously, why even bother to live if it costs so much? Why don't we just all kill ourselves? I don't know I'm obviously going cuckoo now! Probably overly emotional because of my period, but whatever. When it comes down to it, I just hate that my life will end soon, and I don't want to die yet because I feel like I haven't done nearly enough. Sure I wanted the world to end last year because my life sucked, and death always seems soooo sweet when life sucks you know. But now that I feel like I may actually have something, it is the last thing I want, though I daren't believe it now, I've probably just lost it now because I said all of this stuff. Well world this is me.
I wish my life didn't have to suck so much. Anyway just really overwhelmed by the end at the moment. It doesn't make me feel peaceful, I only fear it. What do you think of me now? 
 
I am nothing, I am too depressed and I've ruined it again. I always do something wrong, and it always my fault, nothing lasts forever.