That was my accident!...
I just read a local article about a women that was killed after being hit by a car while walking along a highway..Damn! it just doesn't seem fair that other people get to die and I pray & pray & pray all the time for such an accident and someone else had the 'misfortune' of stumbling on MY blessing. I'm still stuck here (wtf?!?); this really pisses me off...
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Listen, I FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME WAY THAT YOU DO. In my church, another Eucharistic minister, only 52 years old, had routine ankle surgery. A blood clot went to her heart and she died. She left five children, a devastated husband, an elderly mother, tons of friends, classrooms filled with high school kids she taught. Her life had MEANING and MINE DOES NOT, not any more. I pray to die also but the bottom line is WE CAN\'T GO UNTIL IT IS OUR TIME. Do you want to go to the other side and be separated from God and your loved ones? Who knows, you and I aren\'t psychotic are we? I know I FEEL like I am sometimes and so do you but we are NOT or we would NOT be functioning. WE HAVE NO EXCUSE, we are not blameless, we cannot choose the day we leave this earth. Do you have children? Today I was talking to a woman who is now 71 whose father took his life. She said it devastated his 8 children who still suffer from the result fifty years later. WE HAVE A PURPOSE. YOU, ME, we ALL do. I don\'t know what it is but I DO KNOW GOD EXISTS, He is REAL this is not a fairy tale. I want OUT of here too, I want my daughter, I want to be with her, but I have to wait. So do you. You can\'t leave a legacy like that, something that will devastate the people you love so much! You know you can\'t, you\'re too good a person for that. You know the answer I get when I say GOD please just let me come home? I hear, \"Can you trust me to use your life\" and YES I can and I am. I will NOT go down, I will NOT be removed by the enemy. I refuse, I will stay here no matter how painful it is, I will help others, I will love people, I will serve people, I will do whatever God puts in my path to serve Him. Soon enough we will both be dead, life goes by in the blink of an eye. How I wish I could give you a giant hug and tell you it\'s all going to be okay! I can\'t, you can\'t, but we are here and there is a reason.
GOD doesn\'t nor hasn\'t listen to me! It makes me truly believe that I must take destiny in my own hands! Why is it that folks that value their life lose it and people like me that would gladly give their life to someone else are FORCED to go on? It\'s extremely frustrating & enraging...I have no faith or belief that it\'s all going to be ok!
Ellzeena - it\'s very difficult for me to believe that I\'m here for a purpose (other than punishment) when I also believe there\'s no meaning to my life. I struggle everyday (EVERY-DAMN-DAY!), with the temptation to over-ride my predetermined assigned time and re-assign my own life-term limits...
It\'s been said that to reach HEAVEN, some must go thru Hell! Guess I\'m taking the \'scenic\' route in hell & not the express way thru it..
I feel the same way, I think about the people dying when it should have been me. I prayed so many times for god to take me back home where I belong but so far god hasn\'t listened. So I think it must mean that dying is left up to me. Every word you wrote could be me. It is hell to feel forced to go on. I too struggle every day with wanting to end the shit life I have. All I can offer you is the knowledge you aren\'t alone, I feel just like you do
God\'s answer could be \"no\". I suggest you study St. Ignatius\' writings on discernment and spiritual warfare. A period of spiritual desolation is always the individual pulling away from God, not the other way around. There are answers, but you have to be ready to hear them. None of us really understands the Purpose, we can only pray that we are fulfilling it and go forward with that intention. God DOES listen to you but I understand your feeling quite well. Sometimes I think I will \"wake up dead\" to find that I\'ve just been in Purgatory! Remember one thing, very important: you are totally unique and filling a spot no one else can fill. I\'d like to see you find another psychiatrist and evaluate your medications because they certainly don\'t seem to be doing the job. I don\'t know whether or not you\'re Christian but (after many, many years of study and questioning and doubt and re-commitment) I must say that yes, Jesus did live - yes, he had joy, he had sorrow, he felt grief and ultimately dread and fear - yes he did suffer, and he does know and understand what being Human is. And so he does listen with great love and mercy. Pray, the still small voice will speak to you but you have to let down your barriers.