That's a negative, folks....

First IUI treatment done, and a negative test result back this morning. My body seems to love working against me. PMS? I have the real thing - have for years. It drives me up the wall when people use the term lightly - it can be debilitating. The week of horrid cramping, hot flashes, mood swings, food cravings, nausea, aching and swollen breasts, etc. all without a period starting. That happens the following week, with all of the same symptoms. So, after the Clomid and IUI, my body went into PMS overdrive and what could be early pregnancy signs could also be PMS signs. So, even though it's 3 days until my period, we tested this morning. We both were feeling 50/50 about the whole thing. And then the negative test. Even though I'm 34, menopause is knocking on my door, and we only have 2 more IUI attempts left until we're done TTC. Crushing. I feel crushed. And I feel like curling up into a ball and crying until I have nothing left, but I have to present at a work conference this morning. Red eyes won't do. I feel like I need to find a "life's work" of some sort. Something else I can devote this mothering energy to. Is 34 too late to start something like that? And what the hell would I do?
I babysat my adorable 7 month old nephew last night. He'd just had his immunizations that morning, and was not feeling well. Despite all of the crying and clinging, I loved it. And this morning, I keep thinking how unfair it is. How unfair that my brother and his girlfriend had a surprise pregnancy and she's my age. How unfair that I couldn't be purely happy for their wonderful news because we'd been TTC for over a year when they told me and we hadn't told anyone of our struggles. How unfair that I can't seem to simply enjoy time with any of them without longing for a baby of my own and feeling sadness. I feel robbed. My brother is the first best friend I ever had. I want to be purely happy for him. I want to be happy. I hate this shadow that's hanging over and around me lately. I think it's this cloud of sadness over lost happiness for others that I hate the most. I want the best for my brother. I wouldn't wish this infertility shit on anyone.
So, I grieve. And I try desperately to find that string of hope I had when we started treatment. We still have 2 more rounds. No. Screw it. Today I just grieve. Silently, 'cause isn't that what the infertile do?