thanksgiving... (please dont read if you are triggered easily)

Sooo my boyfriend yesterday asked me if I'd like to come to have thanksgiving dinner with his family this year. We've been dating for 4 years now, and I thought it'd be a good idea. My family is going out of town, so i was just going to sit at home alone. lol. I'm kinda concerned now, because it can either go two ways. The first scenario is i put some food on my plate and pick at it or like look at it/examine it. I have an obsession with picking food apart and like analyzing it on the molecular(i know NOT molecular but you know, real close) level. orrrr i lose it with all the food around and b/p. or just binge period and feel like SHIT afterward. since everyone is going to be eating tons, it probably may disgust me a little and make me not want to eat anything. I KNOW this is going to sound really bad. and like really really bad. but he comes from a kind of overweight family. like, his mom is developing diabetes because she is obese, his sister had to have knee surgery cause her weight caused her to have knee problems, his dad is normal, and i guess him and his brother are normal. they are kinda overweight, but only cause they eat too much, but they can lose it if they tried. its hard for his sister and mom to. but anyway, theres something in my head, that when i see them eat a lot, it makes me really not want to. because i think i'll get even fatter than i am. and then all i can see on my plate is fat. even if it is just lettuce, and i know lettuce is cellulose and water and fiber, but all i see is fat. and then i cant eat it cause it'll make me fat. then i just dont get why they just diet and exercise to lose weight. like its really really not healthy being obese. they "diet" but they dont work out. and like, if you dont work out and you still eat like you wont lose weight. i know its horrible. and i'm a horrible person for thinking that but i cant help it. i'm just worried about how its going to go. i really do love his family. they treat me so well, and were so welcoming, like when i went over for xmas last year. but i mean its gonna be hard not to do something extreme.  on another note: i havent cut in about 7 months. so thats really really good so i'm momoving the 'stop being self destructive' goal meter up. but i still do hurt myself with the whole ed thing. and i am trying to be more happy. i feel the whole 'self fulfilling prophesy' thing is true and tht if you want it to be a good day it will be. so i'm trying to make it a good day and see the good in everything.