Thanksgiving Alone
Tim came home the Friday night before Thanksgiving. It didn't go well.
He arrived around 7 pm and asked if I had taken the dogs for a walk. I shook my head no. We walked the dogs and then went straight into the den and closed the door. I slept in the spare bedroom.
He ignored me all day Saturday. I tried to talk to him Saturday afternoon around 4:00, when he was in the den, but all he would do was snort at me. I slammed the den door and stormed back to the living room. A few minutes later he went out and went for a walk. I couldn't stand being completely ignored like that, so I packed an overnight bag and went down to my mom's house. I came back here late Sunday morning to find that he had left to go back to the school sometime Saturday night.
Tim finally sent me an email Thursday morning saying that he had work to do and he couldn't get anything done here, so he wouldn't be coming home until he was finished with his work. I responded to that email saying that I wouldn't bother him any more and cause waste any more of his precious time. I also told him that as soon as I had verification that my response had been sent, I would open a new email account and delete my current one. I did not give him my new email addy. (That reminds me: I need to update the email here on ds.)
I had 2 invitations to Thanksgiving dinners aside from our usual routine, but I didn't feel like being in a room full of people, so I stayed here alone. (I thought that if some unwitting person had asked me a foolish question, there was no telling what words might fly out of my mouth!)
When Tim finally does come back here, I will avoid him and leave him to his own devices. If he wants to talk, he can do the talking. Otherwise, I will leave him alone.
I haven't been to church since Oct. 26th. I just couldn't keep plastering a plastic Barbie smile on my face and pretending to be the happy, obedient little evangelical wife anymore. Tim has known for quite a while that I am miserable. But everything was fine with him as long as I kept putting up a false front at church. I can't do it anymore. It's destroying what's left of me.
I wonder how many lies Tim will tell when he goes back to church and all those who admire him ask about his wife? At first I wondered if my skipping church would destroy his Christian testimony. Then I realized that a false testimony is worse than no testimony at all. His testimony is false, and he was using me to keep up the pretense.
I understand now why the Catholic church does not allow priests to marry.
He arrived around 7 pm and asked if I had taken the dogs for a walk. I shook my head no. We walked the dogs and then went straight into the den and closed the door. I slept in the spare bedroom.
He ignored me all day Saturday. I tried to talk to him Saturday afternoon around 4:00, when he was in the den, but all he would do was snort at me. I slammed the den door and stormed back to the living room. A few minutes later he went out and went for a walk. I couldn't stand being completely ignored like that, so I packed an overnight bag and went down to my mom's house. I came back here late Sunday morning to find that he had left to go back to the school sometime Saturday night.
Tim finally sent me an email Thursday morning saying that he had work to do and he couldn't get anything done here, so he wouldn't be coming home until he was finished with his work. I responded to that email saying that I wouldn't bother him any more and cause waste any more of his precious time. I also told him that as soon as I had verification that my response had been sent, I would open a new email account and delete my current one. I did not give him my new email addy. (That reminds me: I need to update the email here on ds.)
I had 2 invitations to Thanksgiving dinners aside from our usual routine, but I didn't feel like being in a room full of people, so I stayed here alone. (I thought that if some unwitting person had asked me a foolish question, there was no telling what words might fly out of my mouth!)
When Tim finally does come back here, I will avoid him and leave him to his own devices. If he wants to talk, he can do the talking. Otherwise, I will leave him alone.
I haven't been to church since Oct. 26th. I just couldn't keep plastering a plastic Barbie smile on my face and pretending to be the happy, obedient little evangelical wife anymore. Tim has known for quite a while that I am miserable. But everything was fine with him as long as I kept putting up a false front at church. I can't do it anymore. It's destroying what's left of me.
I wonder how many lies Tim will tell when he goes back to church and all those who admire him ask about his wife? At first I wondered if my skipping church would destroy his Christian testimony. Then I realized that a false testimony is worse than no testimony at all. His testimony is false, and he was using me to keep up the pretense.
I understand now why the Catholic church does not allow priests to marry.
Replies
Seriously, he is out of his mind! His heart left this relationship a long time ago. I think he\'s waiting for you to be the \"bad guy\" and start the divorce proceedings. I felt really bad about the church thing, but I totally get it. I really think you need to find another church for you. I know it seems unfair that you would have to leave your church, but you need people who are on your side and who will love you through this time. You need to be embraced fully, without all of the history that comes with the old church. You need to know that the presence of Jesus is still with you. You have not been abandoned. You are in my prayers. Tim\'s behavior is certainly not in keeping with what our Lord teaches. I\'m sorry that you are living that. Much love to you.
I\'m so sorry you\'re going through this Nancy. It\'s hard on anyone but especially hard on those of us with chronic illness. I know how hard it is to not have support from a spouse but maybe some time to yourself will be helpful. I know for me personally, stepping back from the situation and focusing on myself gives new insight and perspective. Sometimes things get clearer when less of our energy is caught up in the other person. And I know how frustrating it can be to know people have a perception of your husband that isn\'t true. So many times I\'ve been tempted to \"set the record straight\". However, I realized that is his work. If Tim isn\'t being true to the people around him, he is no doubt having internal conflict about it. It\'s probably very frustrating to him as we\'re often so hard on ourselves anyway. The person he is right now will reveal itself to other people eventually.
Please be compassionate with yourself Nancy. You\'re going through so much. And remember you are worthy of everything good in this world. Love and supportive hugs my friend...
I can\'t believe he even came home for the little while that he did! He had nothing nice to say to you! He certainly wasn\'t spreading holiday joy, now was he? What the heck is wrong with him.
You have done nothing wrong. You need and deserve Christian fellowship!! You can find that somewhere where Tim isn\'t! \"Surely your sin will find you out\".......he will not get away with this false pretense of a loving husband, when you are no longer at his side. People will question him, and if he lies.....well, what does that say about his future....about his testimony, and Christian example!! God doesn\'t use those types of people in His ministry.
Tim\'s job is to be good his wife, to lead like a sheppard, and to be Christlike. I don\'t see (not being judgemental here, just stating the facts) don\'t see him doing any of those things. I wouldn\'t want a man with kind of lack of character standing in my pulpit! It will all come out sooner or later, Nancy. In the meantime...don\'t miss out on Christian fellowship!! Go somewhere else. I know it\'s not an easy task because you are still protecting him. But you can always say you are visiting as your husband is out of town!
Go feel the love. You deserve it!!
We luvz ya right here! xoxo
Everyone is so right, as are you. You did the right thing to follow your heart and protect yourself, being alone on a holiday is not a bad thing when it is right for you. I once spent New Years alone after a nasty break-up in a long term relationship and it was one of the best things I could have done. Just to say \'no\' when I didn\'t feel up to it and honour myself. You have so much honouring to do! Embrace it and let is grow, in turn your light will grow and shine brighter again. I am glad you are able to have your parent\'s support.
As far as Church goes, you are so right to avoid it ad avoid the false and bizarre world Tim has tried to create. i agree that when you are ready to attend church again, find your own, where you can be honest and yourself and true to the fellow members, yourself and God. You will reap the rewards I am sure. Church is not somewhere we should feel trapped and falsified, but honest and free, supported by each other.
I think Triunfadora is right, perhaps Tim will wait this out until you make the first move. You need to decide when enough is enough and in your own time. He will continue to get worse until you do, I don\'t think he has the courage enough to even voice stand be honest with himself. When you decide what you want to do, I am sure we will all be here and support you through it as much as we can. Though we may be miles away and just online, you can count on our support, I am sure. Remember to rest and keep looking after your body through all of this, it\'ll help you get through things much easier. You are worth the time and effort just as much as we call are. Take care. xxxxx
Nancy, you are a strong woman, and Tim should be glad that you want to stand up for yourself and be honest in church. It would only make his ministry stronger if he was vulnerable about his own failings, and also let you, his wife, compliment his weaknesses with your strengths. When my husband and I were going through a difficult time, I couldn\'t go with him to church. He wasn\'t the pastor, but he was very vocal and well liked, and all I could do was fume about what a hypocrite he seemed like to me. I found a place that was good for me, and it helped me a lot to be separated from him on Sunday morning and have time to focus on my relationship with God apart from my relationship with my husband. I hope you can find something that works for you.
There\'s no communication happening at all with you and Tim.Nothing will be resolved without it.I guess it will happen soon I hope so for your sake.No one is perfect.Tim has made mistakes and you are hurting.People can improve and change and we can forgive them for their offenses. Pastors make mistakes too.You haven\'t left Tim and he hasn\'t left you and I am wondering if there are feelings of love still between you.You are feeling hurt and disappointed in Tim and I don\'t blame you.He certainly hasn\'t treated you in a loving way.However you both need to be truthful about your feelings in this marriage, it can\'t continue on in this crazy manner.Do you want out? Or do you think your marriage could change and be saved? You need to confront Tim and ask if he wants out.He maybe falsely protecting his profile with the church and not game enough to leave you for fear of criticism. Or maybe he is lost in himself and confused.I feel so sorry that you are feeling unloved and nothing is being resolved for you.As far as missing church, God is in your heart and understands everything, including your pain and suffering.Your absence from church does not limit your relationship with him . It\'s fine to take time out especially when you feel emotionally uncomfortable there.So don\'t pressure yourself go easy on yourself.Things between you and Tim are reaching a head, so a shift will happen soon.Maybe the marriage will be over, or maybe not.It certainly is not working the way it is.If the love is not there anymore, then there\'s not much hope.Ask him what he really wants, you deserve the truth.You deserve to be loved and appreciated and treated with respect and sensitivity.As I said before, people can change their ways and relationships can be healed, but both parties need to want this for it to happen and the love must still be there.Stay strong Nancy and protect your limited energy. Love to you xo