Thanks to Sir Paul

 
Yesterday, one of my sisters (let's call her S1--she's the one I have issues with) & I went to Massachusetts to visit with my other sister (S2), who happened to be there on business. Since we hadn't seen S2 in over a year & since she was so close, we decided to visit with her!
 
Since S2 was there on business, S1 first wanted to run around MA on some errands (which was fine). She wanted me to be at her house before 10am. She lives just over an hour away. I knew I was cutting it close & I did get caught behind a couple pokey vehicles; but in spite of that, I did make it up there by 10:05. Most of the way up I was stressing out about being late because I KNEW she was going to start in on me. But fortunately, 2 good things happened: 1-I came in about the same time as her husband, who was out, so I was chatting with him on the way into the house & 2-I was listening to my favorite travel tape (a Paul McCartney mix), which put me in a good mood.
 
So when I came in, S1: "You're late!" Me (laughing): "It's your husband's fault!" And the issue was quickly dropped.
 
So anyway, I was concerned about how S1 was going to act all day. I've said before how she tends to pick/pick on, especially with an audience. I was prepared. I brought my earbuds so that, if she got real bad I could listen to some podcasts as we went about our business. Fortunately, she didn't get that bad! When she started in on her picking, my new response was, "Oh, I don't care about that" or or "I don't remember" or "It doesn't bother me." No defending, no engaging in her fight, no counterattack. (Even though it may have been tempting.) I just lowered my sails to her wind & took all the "fun" out of it for her. So even though she kept trying, I kept brushing her off like an annoying fly. And it didn't go on & on.
 
So I think I've found a new, effective (and honest) way to deal with her. What she thinks about it, I don't know, but that's her issue. Mine is: I have disengaged her!
 
The only time she got under my skin was when she started in with how uncommunicative my daughter was (and who can blame her?). I just kept my mouth shut. I was NOT going to engage in her fight. And again, the pick didn't last long.
 
Bottom line on the whole day was that we had a nice quick visit to our hometown and a nice visit with S2. We had dinner in S2's hotel & talked. I have to say, though, that I was a little jealous since S1 & S2 have developed a good report as adults. S1 is going to a convention near S2 in a couple months & they're going to spend time together. So further bonding.
 
But I have to keep in mind (with a FB reminder from Karla Downing today) that I am only responsible for my part in my relationship. I have nothing to do with their relationship. And I have to ask myself, have I pursued my relationship with S2 as I ought to have? Probably not as much as I should. Being in different time zones, it's sometimes hard to keep in touch by phone, but I should make a better effort.
 
And a little reflection on my mom...Since we'd gone to our hometown, S1 & I reminisced about various things & it seemed that most of our memories we had were tainted by the fact that mom was angry/paranoid/nagging about something. Bottom line is: she was never happy with the way things were & her fear drove her to try to control others, get angry at them & made herself become very uptight & unable to just enjoy anything. I thought, "What a horrible way to live your life! What's made her so angry that she has to lash out at everyone? Why was she so fearful that her world has become so teeny-tiny & she can't go out of it & find something new?" We have no idea about the answer to that one...We may never know.