Thanks only on Thanksgiving is overrated.

There are three definitions of the word "healing", none of which I can seem to relate to. Healing 1. curing or curative; prescribed or helping to heal. 2. growing sound; getting well; mending. 3. the act or process of regaining health.  It's 3:48am on Thanksgiving morning. I haven't been to sleep. I'm at my parents house spending the night. The smell of Thanksgiving dinner that my mom has been working on all day fills the room and the comfort of it seems to warm my heart and bring so many memories back. Yet, I'm sitting here in the dark, alone, with tears in my eyes. I have so much to be thankful for, but being thankful isn't easy by any means. Feeling pain everyday leaves a scar or a wound on your heart that no one can understand. It feels like a hole in your stomach that you can't fill, it feels like you're drowning. You see everything you want your life to be, everything happy that you're feeling you want to share, you want to life without wanting to cry, and most of all you just want to feel whole again. The glass is half empty and half full. I hide this away, only to share with those who know. I hide this from those around me, the ones I love, so they won't have to feel or see the burden that eats away at me everyday. I share with them how I'm feeling, but only to an extent. The rest, I carry alone... the pounds on my shoulders that never lessen. The loads of pain and sadness I feel guilty for. So these tears are worthless. They soak the pillow for a few minutes only to dry up and disappear as if they never existed in the first place. This seems to be the way I cope. Healthy or not, this is how it is. I can't imagine coping or dealing with this any other way. The guilt comes on a Holiday where people are so cheerful, so thankful, so happy. When every single day I try to be thankful for what I have. Going through this, I've realized I don't need a holiday to tell someone how much I appreciate them, how thankful I am to have them in my life, or how much I love them. It doesn't take a date on a calendar. It should be that way everyday.  ..There's an invisible knife in my side. I want to sleep but every time I close my eyes, it feels so real. I'm so exhausted. I'm so tired of pointless tears. I'm so tired of this invisible pain. It's so easy to put on a tough face, and act like the world is great and everything is fine. And at night, when I'm alone, I cry knowing they'll never understand what I'm going through. And making them feel bad for me is never going to make anything better. I feel guilt even now, for not being thankful for everything else I do have in my life. But the reality is, this is what I feel every single day. It's been so long and so rough. I'm tired. I want to sleep. And in a few hours I want my family to know how much I love them and how thankful I am for them. Even if they'll never know how truly hard this is to deal with... because I'll protect them before I protect myself. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.