Thanks Freinds
Thanks for all your comments and encouragements you wrote to your last journal..
I think my hardest thing through this even before mom can to live with us is that when she first went into the NH last year in May, my sister decided not to put a phone in her room which I did not agree totally, but with Ken having just passed away and me having the surgery..I was sorta not involved...and the phone in what I did sorta agree, when mom was in her apt she would tell us she just couldn't do things that we just didn't understand...but the thing she would do is not leave her apt afraid she would miss a phone call..we would try to tell her that we would always call back..but she would sit there all day just waiting...which is sad within itself..so that was why my sister decided not to put a phone in her room last year...and it was hard for me as I called mom several times a day..
After Ken passed away, I could no longer talk to him...then after mom had no phone I could no longer call her, I felt like I was losing two of my most two people I loved at the same time...the thing about mom, I don't think any of us realized how bad she really was months before she ended up in the hospital...So I felt so empty..couldn't go see Ken or call or text..couldn't see or call mom either so both for me I mourned for..It was so very difficult not having mom to turn too in my darkest hour..but
What I don't think I knew, is that I had already lost mom...The other night and since then and now thinking back on things...I realized that I lost mom long before I probably even lost Ken...When mom told me the other night that she did not know I was her daughter, I thought back to things before and some of the things she would say and I realize now that she didn't way back know I was her daughter...for instance, I would be visiting her...sitting in front of her and she would say "I wish my family would visit me" over and over. Sometimes I would just not say anything and others it would get to me and I'd would say.."Mom, who do you think I am" I am your family, I am sitting right here visiting you...I recall now there would not be a comment...
So in reality, I think I lost my MOM maybe over two years ago...not knowing that she did not know I was her daughter, her first born...When it hit me hard this past couple of weeks...knowing that she thinks I am just a worker taking care of her...she is somewhere to stay as she is waiting on the NH to take her back...
I don't feel bad about her going into the NH again...she was happy there last year at the one she is going back too...What hurts is now is knowing that she does not know me...I see her studying me..I see her trying to figure out who I am here at the house..that is sad..As I told the nurse yesterday, if and when she goes to the NH, if I never visited her, she would never remember...That is the sadness I feel in her ..not the NH...that she has lost memory to know who I am...and even though it hurts and I know there is nothing I can do..there are some cute things do happen and I will close with it.
Yesterday she came to me and said."When do this people here change the sheets?" Of course she has no ideal when they were just changed>..but I just went with it and I said "Today" and she says "OH Good, I will get them ready"..I just said "Oh you don't have to do that, it's my job"..She responded "Oh that is your job, oh that's nice"..but withing minutes of talking about it, she repeated she would go get the sheets ready.." I once again told her, that I would do it, it was my job"..Once again it was " Oh it is, well that is nice"...you see there is sadness in this whole thing as this is how it pretty much goes all day...but yet there is some sweetness and pureness in the exchange too..at least to me there was...She does know that I am someone that is here to help her..and she is happy about that...
As we make this transition of her move, I pray that it goes well..I pray the more structured setting will help her mind stay more active...that the activities will help her stay more in tune with the everyday...I do not feel bad about putting her in this NH as I know she wants to be there...She has been happy there before...while she was there..I just pray that in Ky with their weird laws that she remains there as she was doing so good...interacting with others...
But it is still sad to know that she no longer knows I am her daughter...but I still know she is my mom....
Sandi
I think my hardest thing through this even before mom can to live with us is that when she first went into the NH last year in May, my sister decided not to put a phone in her room which I did not agree totally, but with Ken having just passed away and me having the surgery..I was sorta not involved...and the phone in what I did sorta agree, when mom was in her apt she would tell us she just couldn't do things that we just didn't understand...but the thing she would do is not leave her apt afraid she would miss a phone call..we would try to tell her that we would always call back..but she would sit there all day just waiting...which is sad within itself..so that was why my sister decided not to put a phone in her room last year...and it was hard for me as I called mom several times a day..
After Ken passed away, I could no longer talk to him...then after mom had no phone I could no longer call her, I felt like I was losing two of my most two people I loved at the same time...the thing about mom, I don't think any of us realized how bad she really was months before she ended up in the hospital...So I felt so empty..couldn't go see Ken or call or text..couldn't see or call mom either so both for me I mourned for..It was so very difficult not having mom to turn too in my darkest hour..but
What I don't think I knew, is that I had already lost mom...The other night and since then and now thinking back on things...I realized that I lost mom long before I probably even lost Ken...When mom told me the other night that she did not know I was her daughter, I thought back to things before and some of the things she would say and I realize now that she didn't way back know I was her daughter...for instance, I would be visiting her...sitting in front of her and she would say "I wish my family would visit me" over and over. Sometimes I would just not say anything and others it would get to me and I'd would say.."Mom, who do you think I am" I am your family, I am sitting right here visiting you...I recall now there would not be a comment...
So in reality, I think I lost my MOM maybe over two years ago...not knowing that she did not know I was her daughter, her first born...When it hit me hard this past couple of weeks...knowing that she thinks I am just a worker taking care of her...she is somewhere to stay as she is waiting on the NH to take her back...
I don't feel bad about her going into the NH again...she was happy there last year at the one she is going back too...What hurts is now is knowing that she does not know me...I see her studying me..I see her trying to figure out who I am here at the house..that is sad..As I told the nurse yesterday, if and when she goes to the NH, if I never visited her, she would never remember...That is the sadness I feel in her ..not the NH...that she has lost memory to know who I am...and even though it hurts and I know there is nothing I can do..there are some cute things do happen and I will close with it.
Yesterday she came to me and said."When do this people here change the sheets?" Of course she has no ideal when they were just changed>..but I just went with it and I said "Today" and she says "OH Good, I will get them ready"..I just said "Oh you don't have to do that, it's my job"..She responded "Oh that is your job, oh that's nice"..but withing minutes of talking about it, she repeated she would go get the sheets ready.." I once again told her, that I would do it, it was my job"..Once again it was " Oh it is, well that is nice"...you see there is sadness in this whole thing as this is how it pretty much goes all day...but yet there is some sweetness and pureness in the exchange too..at least to me there was...She does know that I am someone that is here to help her..and she is happy about that...
As we make this transition of her move, I pray that it goes well..I pray the more structured setting will help her mind stay more active...that the activities will help her stay more in tune with the everyday...I do not feel bad about putting her in this NH as I know she wants to be there...She has been happy there before...while she was there..I just pray that in Ky with their weird laws that she remains there as she was doing so good...interacting with others...
But it is still sad to know that she no longer knows I am her daughter...but I still know she is my mom....
Sandi
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