Thank you to all

I would like to thank everyone I've met here for their advice.  I wish I could follow it and I try, boy do I try.  I feel like I'm not getting better but getting worse and I'm afraid for myself some days.  Like this am....I don't have my boys with me and I'm so alone it's deafening.  Now I understand the empty nest syndrome.  I have to go to a job orientation I do not want but am forced to take because I have zero choice.  He has put me here...with zero choices and holds all the cards in my life and the boys lives right now.  I feel like I'm on a tightrope and if I fell, I think it would be a good thing....no more pain.  I feel my body shutting down due to lack of sleep and the stress of everything has made my esophagus eroded to where anything I eat burns or hurts.  Did I do this to myself...absolutely, but when you love someone so much and see your life (or what you perceived as your life) disintegrate before you, I don't know what to do or where to go.  I sat in church one day and just wept.  I sit in my room and just weep.  I sit on here and hear all the stories and the encouragement and just weep.  My depression is taking hold, like a monkey on my back, and I cannot get out of it...even through meds.  I wish I had more of a supportive mom....she is sick of hearing me on a daily basis and she was the only one I would call.  That will stop because I DO NOT want to be a burden to anyone.  I'm just a burden, with 2 kids.  Not that I need someone in my life but I would love the companionship someday.  I would love the companionship of my husband....and I must accept that will never be...he deep down doesn't want that or why would he have done what he did.  I guess I will never know?