Thank you to all
I would like to thank everyone I've met here for their advice. I wish I could follow it and I try, boy do I try. I feel like I'm not getting better but getting worse and I'm afraid for myself some days. Like this am....I don't have my boys with me and I'm so alone it's deafening. Now I understand the empty nest syndrome. I have to go to a job orientation I do not want but am forced to take because I have zero choice. He has put me here...with zero choices and holds all the cards in my life and the boys lives right now. I feel like I'm on a tightrope and if I fell, I think it would be a good thing....no more pain. I feel my body shutting down due to lack of sleep and the stress of everything has made my esophagus eroded to where anything I eat burns or hurts. Did I do this to myself...absolutely, but when you love someone so much and see your life (or what you perceived as your life) disintegrate before you, I don't know what to do or where to go. I sat in church one day and just wept. I sit in my room and just weep. I sit on here and hear all the stories and the encouragement and just weep. My depression is taking hold, like a monkey on my back, and I cannot get out of it...even through meds. I wish I had more of a supportive mom....she is sick of hearing me on a daily basis and she was the only one I would call. That will stop because I DO NOT want to be a burden to anyone. I'm just a burden, with 2 kids. Not that I need someone in my life but I would love the companionship someday. I would love the companionship of my husband....and I must accept that will never be...he deep down doesn't want that or why would he have done what he did. I guess I will never know?
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Maybe we could introduce your monkey to my gorilla (Mighty Joe Young). They can go out for a beer and leave us alone for a few hours! I PM\'d you earlier and will do so later tonight, kiddo.
(((LLMT))) That crying a lot is normal...maybe I am just farther along this journey than you..? I still cry, most often when I write and reflect on what has happened. I also have personal journals here with the really ugly thoughts. ;) Yep, I have watched my life disintegrate, too. My job as a stay at home mom, which I worked so very hard at for 15 years seems to be coming to an end and that is hard to think about. Heart breaking, with my daughter\'s medical condition and empty promises from him that he \'will be there for her too\' when he works 45 minutes from her school! Family just doesn\'t know what to do, and yep, they can only take so much.... That is why so many of us are on here so often I think.
Hang in there, Hon!!!
Big hugs for today. Don\'t let the depression get you--After the orientation do something just for you. Anything.
Don\'t think of yourself as a burden. I probably need to hear this for myself, but you have to let people help you (this is a big theme from my therapist).....that includes friends and family. I have been pretty slow to this myself, but I am getting better at it.
Also - when you don\'t have the kids - try to find something positive to do. This is my single biggest problem so far, I think, when I don\'t have my son. If I don\'t have something to do (especially, if I am home at night by myself), I find myself dwelling on things.
Take care and keep in touch....
I agree with hikerchic you need to get out and doing something just for you, something fun that you enjoy. We are here for you. Hugs.
pproblem is i dont know what that is anymore. my kids are my life now and i have nobody to even go for a walk with. this just sucks which makes me cry even more. the lonliness is excruciating. sorry!