Thank you angel friends <3 i'm very thankful i wrote, and sharing, gonna re-focus.

Hi angel friends :) Thank you all for your comforting, caring kind words, and for all of  your support, advice, and encouragement. i'm very thankful for you, and i'm relieved i did some writing today, sharing <3 i've been spending time with Holly and Tiger here in our living room, and we've had some movies on, keeping with our weekly tradition on saturday's :) i've had some good talks with Holly, and also with my mom and dad earlier. my mom actually talked with Lisa, and my brother Charlie about the borrowing, and how it's been too much for me, i also asked my mom ,if there's any chance she could, maybe she could talk with Jenn too. she talks often with her, and i just would like my mom to mention to Jenn, that i'm sometimes too prideful to say no, or/and something, and that behind the scenes, i really struggle with things, especially family members constantly coming ot me for money. i've been reading all of your comments, and advice, it's very helpful. i've even talked with my mom and Holly about, how i think maybe just not answering, remaining silent when it comes to them coming to me for money, it may be best, as when i've mentioned to them about me worrying about my health, they've gone back on their word, and still ask me, which is very uncomfortable. i talked with my mom back in late march,and in april, that it's a fear of mine, that when Lisa or Jenn, gets down the number lower that they owe me, that they'll re-ask me to borrow on top of what they still owe  me, and that fear came true, last week, and this week too. i want that to change. i'm not loaning any money out right now, and i want  money going back into my safe, and into my bank account savings. only Holly knows how much i have in my savings in my bank. i've been putting all of my online earnings into my savings, that i earn online ,whether it's checks, or paypal, that goes directly into my savings, and feels like that money is still mine, and i'm determined to add more into there, and less in my safe. it's just always been easier to have cash available, but my family has taken advantage of it.

my dad shared some thoughts, which i appreciate very much too. he said, that if i'm approached, i should tell them, i've loan it out already, which could be helpful. i recently got taken off my health insurance (husky d here in CT, it was free, during the pandemic, but now has limited qualifying availability if household income is more than about $2,800.00. i'm gonna use health insurance excuse, which is a good excuse, to deter family from coming after me. if there were every a health emergency, i'd have to pay in cash, so it would be telling family the truth. Holly's been worried about me, and friends worried about me too, along with my mom and dad. i'm gonna be ok, just feeling trapped/stuck, by family members weighing me down, with their borrowing, and having the slow pay back, each friday, it's gonna be until october, until Lisa is fully paid back, and if Jenn continues with $50 per month, it'll be about next march until she's paid me in full, unless she gets some sort of bonus, but i'm not too hopeful, that she and Lisa will not come back at me, once the number is lower. i've felt bad about things, and even thought about going on a spending spree (which i wouldn't), but feels like maybe that would be the only way they'd get off my back, and get their finanicial situations in order. i'm really  upset, and frustrated with them, i don't mind helping my mom, dad and Holly here in our home, i just feel it's over-reaching, by other family members, and it definitley needs to stop.

i'm feeling more empowered and strong, reading your comforting comments, and also   keeping distance, getting space from family. Lisa stopped by here earlier, i stayed downstairs, and Alyssa, family are off today. Jenn and family too. i'm cool with being around my parents, and Holly :) i just need space from the other family members. i have this  deep disappointing feeling in them, for taking advantage of me numerous times, over and over, and when i'm fully paid back, and if they ever ask me again, i won't answer them. i did talk with my mom and dad, if there's any chance they could maybe put away money, for themselves, or if Jenn and Lisa ever were to need emergency money, i feel it would be more fair, if i'm not the only one being asked for help, but i always am, and it feels like too much has been put on me. i don't want to wish time ahead, or the days away, but i wish i could  go back and not loan the money, or could fast forward months ahead, to be more de-tached from them and their financial issues. i'm really sick of it, i felt sick to my stomach this morning. i still ate though, and i'm having water, and iced coffee today. i know my family members can push free items to me, iced coffee, or food, but i really do wish they would just cool it, and get me paid back in full. i haven't been more sick o f anything in my entire life, except maybe shyness, or social anxiety, and dealing with that feels much easier for  me, than coping with family leaning on me.

i'm feeling strained, like emotionally, and physically. i've had some back pain since last friday, but am taking good care of it, resting. i'm still doing my earning sites, and keeping focused on that. i'm still feeling nervous to spend on myself, i just feel like i need them paying me back more, to feel comfortable enough to get any collectibles, things. i feel emotionally raw right now, but i'm determined to get balanced again. Holly and i want to spend more time in our garden, and also going to continue to enjoy our tv, movies. i'm pretty bummed out about things, it really has gotten me down, but i'm gonna prevail through these rough times. i didn't want to write back in late march, and april about things, i just felt it would be best to keep forward with the days, and getting into gardening season during spring. we had basketball season going on too, which helped, as the playoffs were going on, and  Holly and i got really into the games. we were down for a week about the Celtics losing that gam 7, it still upset us hearing about it, we were so into that roller-coaster of a season they had. i think today, writing, really felt like i needed too, finally write about things, to share, and to let everyone know what was going on. You all made me feel comfortable to write, thank you angel friends :) i'll always be here for everyone, and will try my best each day, to keep moving forward, and to not let the down feelings cloud up my days, and the thoughts of  family and what they've done to me. i'm gonna try hard, and i think this time, truey is the time that could get me more forward. a couple weeks ago, i did this writing, and almost posted it, i was so close to posting it, but the day got better, and i continued on, but last week, and yesterday, sent me over the edge of emotions. 

i read everyone's sweet comments on our baking friday journal, i'm very happy everyone enjoyed our adventure :) Holly and i are gonna watch a new movie tonight, and will get a good night's rest tonight :) Thank you again our dear angel friends :) Love you all bunchs :) Sending our love, and big caring, comforting friendshp hugs :) Wishing everyone a peaceful evening and night :) 

-never lose hope :)

i'd love to re-share some pictures of our plants, and garden, and would love to take some new pictures tomorrow :)