Thank the lowered for work......
Been very struck by my brain lately, it has been definitely on a road of lack of concentration. Bouncing all over the walls of the skull finding things to dissect, talk about with itself, and think hard about, examining all of me.
Thankfully, I have been benefitting from a surge of energy it is generating and wanting to walk it off, so that has been great for my physical health. This is a rarity for me, so to have that occur has been a wonderful side effect.
My lord the brain chatter of "Much Ado About Nothing" is seriously getting me down though.
I have basically had a friendship breakup and that has been draining me-I hate being in unresolved conflict with people who are in my same circle of friends. I don't want the friendship and wish she would just "go away", but that is not possible. So I have to feel the feelings and just ride out that our paths are going to cross and I don't know when/how/where or what will happen....why I can't just be ok with it, sounds so simple but my controlling self is flipping out thinking of every possible scenario and what I am going to say if I see or talk to her......My gosh the drama I concoct is ridiculous. I feel like her and I are one in the same with co-dependency, which is the demise of the friendship....and I think there is a pull that might be going on between us psychically. I am just feeling the feelings, listen to the thoughts and let go where I can.....which is not much.
Last night I found myself almost crawling out of my skin because I couldn't sit still, what was on TV was absolutely the most boring thing ever, I couldn't read as I would have to read the same paragraph over and over because my mind chatter was taking over. I have literally never had this and I felt like I was in withdrawl. I think I am in withdrawl from living in a roommate situation and being able to "talk it out" with someone (I am living alone again), withdrawl from permanently deleting my faceKOOK because I felt like there was a lot of co-dependent/self esteem issues that were very self destructive coming up for me (comparing, being 'deleted', mean commentary, giving too much care for people I barely saw in life, etc. etc.), gave up coffee for Lent (kind of the easiest part of things lately), maybe too much too soon on the "letting go" of people and things......but they all felt right at the time, but maybe the combo together was too much.
Oddly enough, until I stopped myself to ask what the heck it was that I was all anxious and cray cray about thought wise, there was literally not one thought my mind went blank. So I did a check in with myself "You are ok", "It is ok to not be friends with her", "You have everything you need and more", "You don't need permission or understanding to stand your ground on your boundaries"....after chatting that out I felt a lot better.
I look around the house and see all the little "projects"/"To Do's" I can tackle when I am like this but, I am literally paralyzed by my brain chatter. Its as if I am on the precipice of something huge and my brain has an audience in waiting for the curtain to go up for the show......but I want it to 'shhhhhhh' already.
Thanks god for work.......it is my constant, it helps me get distracted from the brain chatter....helps me feel productive, helps me with being in contact/connected with people who don't know my dirty secrets of a being co-dependent and they all 'like' me, it helps me earn money for my great life........without work I would literally be climbing the walls.......whew. Just writing about it all let a little steam off the kettle of this brain........
Maybe will try meditation again....HAHAHAHAHA ya just so I could hear the chatter a little louder right now.
Oh well, to be human......is so uncomfortably wonderful right now.
Thankfully, I have been benefitting from a surge of energy it is generating and wanting to walk it off, so that has been great for my physical health. This is a rarity for me, so to have that occur has been a wonderful side effect.
My lord the brain chatter of "Much Ado About Nothing" is seriously getting me down though.
I have basically had a friendship breakup and that has been draining me-I hate being in unresolved conflict with people who are in my same circle of friends. I don't want the friendship and wish she would just "go away", but that is not possible. So I have to feel the feelings and just ride out that our paths are going to cross and I don't know when/how/where or what will happen....why I can't just be ok with it, sounds so simple but my controlling self is flipping out thinking of every possible scenario and what I am going to say if I see or talk to her......My gosh the drama I concoct is ridiculous. I feel like her and I are one in the same with co-dependency, which is the demise of the friendship....and I think there is a pull that might be going on between us psychically. I am just feeling the feelings, listen to the thoughts and let go where I can.....which is not much.
Last night I found myself almost crawling out of my skin because I couldn't sit still, what was on TV was absolutely the most boring thing ever, I couldn't read as I would have to read the same paragraph over and over because my mind chatter was taking over. I have literally never had this and I felt like I was in withdrawl. I think I am in withdrawl from living in a roommate situation and being able to "talk it out" with someone (I am living alone again), withdrawl from permanently deleting my faceKOOK because I felt like there was a lot of co-dependent/self esteem issues that were very self destructive coming up for me (comparing, being 'deleted', mean commentary, giving too much care for people I barely saw in life, etc. etc.), gave up coffee for Lent (kind of the easiest part of things lately), maybe too much too soon on the "letting go" of people and things......but they all felt right at the time, but maybe the combo together was too much.
Oddly enough, until I stopped myself to ask what the heck it was that I was all anxious and cray cray about thought wise, there was literally not one thought my mind went blank. So I did a check in with myself "You are ok", "It is ok to not be friends with her", "You have everything you need and more", "You don't need permission or understanding to stand your ground on your boundaries"....after chatting that out I felt a lot better.
I look around the house and see all the little "projects"/"To Do's" I can tackle when I am like this but, I am literally paralyzed by my brain chatter. Its as if I am on the precipice of something huge and my brain has an audience in waiting for the curtain to go up for the show......but I want it to 'shhhhhhh' already.
Thanks god for work.......it is my constant, it helps me get distracted from the brain chatter....helps me feel productive, helps me with being in contact/connected with people who don't know my dirty secrets of a being co-dependent and they all 'like' me, it helps me earn money for my great life........without work I would literally be climbing the walls.......whew. Just writing about it all let a little steam off the kettle of this brain........
Maybe will try meditation again....HAHAHAHAHA ya just so I could hear the chatter a little louder right now.
Oh well, to be human......is so uncomfortably wonderful right now.
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