Thank God its Thursday (I have fri Sat off)
OK well last week I took 6 days off to get better, to recover. I went to a lot of OAs, I think I had 2 episdoses, one wasa mini binge and I was able to stop myself, the other was a huge one, My husband and I got into a fight and he said the D word and I just thought my life was over. I read some literature, just focused on getting better, followed my meal plan, did no exercise (as prescribed) and just wanted to beat this. Fast forward to Tuesday. I had to go to work and of course, I couldn't get a half day or anything, I had to work the normal 9am-8 pm...Only a small break for luch. There was no way I could follow my meal plan and no way to focus on anything but my lessons and not dying. I don't thin kyou uderstand, my job is an over-exercisers dream. I go in the pool and I have to two students at a time for 20 min. If they are a high level, they go in the big pool, where I walk next to them and swim next to thim. If they are a low level, one kid is on my back (diesn't matter how much the kid weighs) and I walk across the width of the pool with that kid while lifting and doing the arms, kicks, back float of the other kid. Sometimes the kid cries and kicks and wiggles and I have to use extreme force. But really, imagine doing this for 10 hours. And every 20 min I drop the kid off and get the next kid, no break, running from pool to pool trying to find my next kid. It is great because of the exercise...but there is no way I can gain weight this way, especially if I do not have time to eat. Tuesday when I got home I tohught I was going to get into a car accident. And then stupid me, I stress myself even more (though it feels so good at the time) by going to the gym in the morning before work!! For an hour or more!! And I did this week. Tuesday was only 30 min. Wed thurs was an hour and I wanted to do more. I decided to take action into my own hands. There is only one way I am going to recover, and that is by quitting my job. Of course I could not just "quit" so I told them I was going into treatment. My boss knew what was wrong and told me I needed to eat more carbs because I burn a lot of calories at this job. No shit! I told hime I needed to leave and he gave me 30 days to get my shit together. So next week is my last week and then I have 30 days off. Is that enough time? More important, how am I going to last one more week if I already feel like I am at the end of my rope? Last night The only way I could fall asleep is by dreaming of cake. And the cake didn't work so I used brownies and donuts. The good news for me that is is that I lost 2 lbs since going back to work. I have neve been this low but now I am scared because I really want to recover and my head is in a war. Most of me wants it, but part of me wants to see how much I can lose. The other part of me knows that i cannot be happy until I die because that is when I will be thin enough. GRR I am just so stressed and Tomorrw I have so many doctors appointments so I don't even get to sleep in. I don't know I am just rambling..but I really do feel like soon it will be all over and ED will win.
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