Thank God for heroin
Just so we are clear this isnt my work its by another torn soul like myself who graciously allowed me to publish it thank you Mehvar (https://www.facebook.com/mehvar) for giving me the honor of putting this in my journal.
Thank God, for Heroin.
Lets face it. If I had not become a junkie my life would have been much better or it could have been much worse too. I could have killed myself, killed someone else or be criminally insane.
When i first used heroin I was trying to cope with the harshness of life. I was suicidal while using copious amounts of hash, meds, alcohol to the numb the pain. after i used heroin I realized i did not have to feel the way i had been feeling all my life. That there is a release. I can block everything out. I can block out the sun. for 4-5 years I'm not even sure for how long. heroin was beside me through it all. Telling me that everything would be fine as long as i had money to procure my substance. my drug of choice.
Heroin was with me through my depression. Heroin distracted my depression for about 8 hrs or so till i would withdraw, let it all out of my system, make vows i would never use again. Then the depression would return and i would need heroin. heroin was with me through my physical and emotional injuries, again making me feel like everything will be fine until.Heroin was with me through my 3 year break-up and the cause of it. Heroin was with me when my girlfriend cheated on me. I have never been that heartbroken.......over a drug.
When slowly everybody left. When people could smell the stench of death surrounding my aura. When i was alone walking on paths i had walked back and forth a million times before, day and night. When i didn't want to face the world. heroin was with me. In a sense heroin is still with me. while I don't think of heroin through my days. I seem to be writing about it.
While my so called once best mates are still out there living in the darkness. waiting for buses. getting blood-tests. I know heroin is with them too at this moment. I don't mind if heroin found my friends now that its done with me to a certain extent. Giving them the freedom to be in a false sense of a security blanket. hiding their sun. At-least it's killing their pain. mending their crushed hearts from the fears they grew up with. It's slowly killing them. Changing them as it changed me to finally realize that this relationship is taking, more than giving. I just hope the life-lines on their palms stretch to the heavens.
Heroin has been an evil mistress. no matter how much it helped me die. All i want now is to forgive myself. forgive the persons that did me wrong, including my...hmm.. Some people would call me a chootia. I would say i am one..... in their lower levels of reality. I can't help but fall into the lower vibrational levels of physical reality bec I feel hurt, i feel used, i feel broken, i feel confused, i feel like THAT life. I feel like that person. I feel like ending the pain. I think about it on most nights but I'm not that selfish anymore. Leaving 'them' a letter would not suffice. no matter how much heart i pour in to em.
Heroin only kills you slowly. So that's a no no. and I want to die a pure death. not inebriated. OKAY. this is making me sad.
Finally, not being on Heroin's made me appreciate what I have in the 'NOW.' How much better sex i can have and feel ;-) How people look just a tad bit more real. how little things matter. How I can find joy in just fantasizing about a future i wish i can have with her.
like the GnR song: "I'm only 28, much to young to let love break my heart" - well i'm 25.she's manipulative and i like it.
I think i just wrote a 'indie song.'
- thank god, for heroin.
Thank God, for Heroin.
Lets face it. If I had not become a junkie my life would have been much better or it could have been much worse too. I could have killed myself, killed someone else or be criminally insane.
When i first used heroin I was trying to cope with the harshness of life. I was suicidal while using copious amounts of hash, meds, alcohol to the numb the pain. after i used heroin I realized i did not have to feel the way i had been feeling all my life. That there is a release. I can block everything out. I can block out the sun. for 4-5 years I'm not even sure for how long. heroin was beside me through it all. Telling me that everything would be fine as long as i had money to procure my substance. my drug of choice.
Heroin was with me through my depression. Heroin distracted my depression for about 8 hrs or so till i would withdraw, let it all out of my system, make vows i would never use again. Then the depression would return and i would need heroin. heroin was with me through my physical and emotional injuries, again making me feel like everything will be fine until.Heroin was with me through my 3 year break-up and the cause of it. Heroin was with me when my girlfriend cheated on me. I have never been that heartbroken.......over a drug.
When slowly everybody left. When people could smell the stench of death surrounding my aura. When i was alone walking on paths i had walked back and forth a million times before, day and night. When i didn't want to face the world. heroin was with me. In a sense heroin is still with me. while I don't think of heroin through my days. I seem to be writing about it.
While my so called once best mates are still out there living in the darkness. waiting for buses. getting blood-tests. I know heroin is with them too at this moment. I don't mind if heroin found my friends now that its done with me to a certain extent. Giving them the freedom to be in a false sense of a security blanket. hiding their sun. At-least it's killing their pain. mending their crushed hearts from the fears they grew up with. It's slowly killing them. Changing them as it changed me to finally realize that this relationship is taking, more than giving. I just hope the life-lines on their palms stretch to the heavens.
Heroin has been an evil mistress. no matter how much it helped me die. All i want now is to forgive myself. forgive the persons that did me wrong, including my...hmm.. Some people would call me a chootia. I would say i am one..... in their lower levels of reality. I can't help but fall into the lower vibrational levels of physical reality bec I feel hurt, i feel used, i feel broken, i feel confused, i feel like THAT life. I feel like that person. I feel like ending the pain. I think about it on most nights but I'm not that selfish anymore. Leaving 'them' a letter would not suffice. no matter how much heart i pour in to em.
Heroin only kills you slowly. So that's a no no. and I want to die a pure death. not inebriated. OKAY. this is making me sad.
Finally, not being on Heroin's made me appreciate what I have in the 'NOW.' How much better sex i can have and feel ;-) How people look just a tad bit more real. how little things matter. How I can find joy in just fantasizing about a future i wish i can have with her.
like the GnR song: "I'm only 28, much to young to let love break my heart" - well i'm 25.she's manipulative and i like it.
I think i just wrote a 'indie song.'
- thank god, for heroin.
Replies
Hugs.....have u talked to her
Cheers!