Thank God for coffee and silence

Good morning journal,the time is now 6:09am and I have been up and around since our dogs woke me to go outside about half an hour ago.After doing what they had to do,the two girls returned to our bedroom to cuddle with my wife and I kept our big boy puppy in the lounge with me,at the moment he is sprawled on the sofa on his back sucking his tongue like a baby fast asleep.Yesterday was spent quietly,I rested for most of the time except when I had a slow walk to the store to pick up a carton of milk,what would have taken a healthy person twenty minutes at most took me almost an hour,and on my return I was totally exhausted and could do no more than slump in my armchair and try to get my breathing under control.I had time to think though,and it struck me as highly amusing how ironic life can be,for instance,discovering that at this present time my therapist is actually sicker than me,I find that funny in a sad sort of way,but I wish him well and hope he has a speedy recovery,he's a good man and I like him a lot.His illness begs the question though,who will go to the psychiatrist with me next week?,John,my therapist,had said he wanted to go with me,but as he is ill I guess that won't happen so I'll just have to wing it on my own.I also have an appointment with my doctor next Wednesday,the day after my visit to the psychiatrist,when I will tell him that my breathing is still proving very troublesome despite the course of antibiotics he prescribed for my lung infection,I think we have reached the stage where we might have to consider other options to relieve my inability to breathe unaided on my own,though it saddens me to admit it,even to myself,I am getting worse at a seemingly alarming rate.When a person is as sick physically as I am,it forces them to accept that the prospect of death has moved one or two steps closer than they would like,and I feel that my own demise is closer than I would prefer it to be,but that's life and we have to make the best of it.I have already made the decision that if my COPD/Emphysema becomes too unbearable,I will end things,I have known this for some time,I just didn't expect to have to seriously think about it so soon,but I am not afraid,and I know that my Father in Heaven will give me the strength to do what needs to be done should the need arise.As I sit here in my chair this morning I am calm,there is an inner sense of serenity,and I know that I can end my pain whenever,and if,I should choose to,and that is a huge comfort to me.I am grateful to God for the life I have had,yes,even for the sadness and pain I have been asked to endure at times for I believe that these experiences made me a more compassionate and stronger human being,and I am grateful too,for the love I have found in life,for the happiness and warmth I have received and given in return,however brief or fleeting,it left an indelible mark on me and I have been the better for it.Most of all this morning,I am grateful that God allowed someone to invent coffee,thank you Lord,that was inspired on your part!,sitting here partaking of my second mug of the day,I can feel the last vestiges of weariness and unfinished sleep being washed from my soul,and there is a soft smile on my face despite my other physical ailments.One other thing I am grateful for,although it might seem strange to other people,is my deafness,I know,I know,how can someone be grateful that they are deaf?,but to know why,you would have to experience the silence I am experiencing now,minus my"bionic ears",the pervading sense of peace and tranquility that fills our home is something that only happens in the early hours when I am alone,before the hum of the day actually kicks in,and the noise of the world rolls over us like a runaway juggernaut.It's at this time of the day that I feel closest to God,and the best part of that is that I can hear Him when He speaks to me whether I have my ears in or not,and I can speak to Him,uninterrupted,and for as long as I want to,because of the silence.I can choose when I want to hear and when I don't,and that is an option that hearing people don't have,so you see why I am so grateful that I am deaf.I am rapidly coming to believe that God speaks to me through the voices in my head,Jeremiah,Ruth and Micah seem to be conduits which God uses to tell me what He wants to say,and a channel through which my Father lets me know the things He wants me to know,I know people find it strange but that's not my problem,I simply accept what is,and if some people don't like it,or they think I'm a sandwich short of a picnic,that's entirely up to them.I have reached a time in my life when other people's opinion of me has ceased to be important,they will think of me what they think of me,I can't change that,so why waste the effort trying?,the people who matter,the people who love me,accept me and love me anyway,and that is enough.When I was young,it was important to be liked,I went out of my way to try to make myself popular,today,I sit and wonder why I wasted all that time when I could have been liked for just being me without trying to embellish things,I spent a lot of money in bars around the world buying friendship,and I realize now,with hindsight,that it cost a lot of cash for one or two nights of companionship,when I could have enjoyed the companionship of the people who loved me for me for absolutely nothing at all.There has been an awful lot of sadness and pain in my life,my deafness due to an accident,the death of my daughter,break ups of marriages and relationships,time spent in prisons etc:,but today,right now sitting here,I find myself grateful to be still alive,even though I feel that death is not very far away,I am so grateful that I am in the bosom of a loving family,yes the kids are grown and they have their own lives,but I have my wonderful wife and our canine children whom I love and am loved by in return,that's not too shabby my friends,not too shabby at all.Anyway,I have lingered here long enough,it is time to leave and get on with living the rest of the day in the best way I can,perhaps we will hear from the disability living allowance people this morning,who knows?,they might have come down in favor of me,till next time journal,may the Good Lord continue to walk with us in peace and love.