Terrible.........
I feel like a terrible mother....I have a 3 year old, that i can't take care of because of my mental health issues...he doesn't even live with me anymore, he lives with my mom. I don't even see him that much because we don't even live in the same state...It makes me feel terrible.
But in a way, its better for him. At least he doesn't have to see me have melt downs and anger episodes from my PTSD.. He doesn't deserve that. He deserves a stable environment. It's not healthy for a 3 year old to be around his mother who is yelling, screaming, and having anger episodes...It's not fair to him.
As bad as this sounds... I am keeping him away from me for his own good. I don't want him to be screwed up because i can't control my anger and i don't want him to see me lash out at everyone because of my anger and frustrations. He's a baby still. I want him to enjoy his life.
It's just torture not being able to take care of my own child, who i gave birth to.. I feel like i have given him up or have given up on him.. It makes me feel terrible. But like i said before, i don't want him to know me as the angry, yelling and screaming mother.
I want him to be happy. Even if that means i have to suffer from not seeing him all the time. He's very important to me, and so is his well-being and his mental health. I don't want him to have mental health issues and have to go through hell like i do. I'm trying to protect him. It's the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. I sacrifice my time with him so i don't end up screwing him up.
I miss him all the time. And it makes me feel terrible and bitter on the inside. It makes me feel angry that i had to be abused multiple times in my life to the point where i have this PTSD and other mental health issues... to the point where i can't take care of MY OWN child.
When i see other mothers with their children i just want to die, because i know i will never be that kind of mother. I will never be what he needs. He deserves more than that. I will never be sane. I will always have some type of mental illness. And it makes me sad. And it makes it hard to go on.
Sometimes i feel like he would be much better off without me, and I even think of Suicide from time to time. Not being there for him, It's torture. Its hard to deal with. Its worse than any of the abusive i have ever been put through.
I miss my son, and im a terrible mother. I guess the only good thing to come out of this is that, I am finally working on getting my GED. And im close enough to almost getting it.............
But in a way, its better for him. At least he doesn't have to see me have melt downs and anger episodes from my PTSD.. He doesn't deserve that. He deserves a stable environment. It's not healthy for a 3 year old to be around his mother who is yelling, screaming, and having anger episodes...It's not fair to him.
As bad as this sounds... I am keeping him away from me for his own good. I don't want him to be screwed up because i can't control my anger and i don't want him to see me lash out at everyone because of my anger and frustrations. He's a baby still. I want him to enjoy his life.
It's just torture not being able to take care of my own child, who i gave birth to.. I feel like i have given him up or have given up on him.. It makes me feel terrible. But like i said before, i don't want him to know me as the angry, yelling and screaming mother.
I want him to be happy. Even if that means i have to suffer from not seeing him all the time. He's very important to me, and so is his well-being and his mental health. I don't want him to have mental health issues and have to go through hell like i do. I'm trying to protect him. It's the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. I sacrifice my time with him so i don't end up screwing him up.
I miss him all the time. And it makes me feel terrible and bitter on the inside. It makes me feel angry that i had to be abused multiple times in my life to the point where i have this PTSD and other mental health issues... to the point where i can't take care of MY OWN child.
When i see other mothers with their children i just want to die, because i know i will never be that kind of mother. I will never be what he needs. He deserves more than that. I will never be sane. I will always have some type of mental illness. And it makes me sad. And it makes it hard to go on.
Sometimes i feel like he would be much better off without me, and I even think of Suicide from time to time. Not being there for him, It's torture. Its hard to deal with. Its worse than any of the abusive i have ever been put through.
I miss my son, and im a terrible mother. I guess the only good thing to come out of this is that, I am finally working on getting my GED. And im close enough to almost getting it.............
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