Tensions Building at Home
I'm pretty down today. I had a brief reprieve yesterday when I went to town on my day off but now here I sit mulling things over that I do not want to think about.
I wonder if I could just run away? I have a lot of experience and skills. Would it be so hard to just run off one day and tell no one where I went? Could I just keep driving and find some other job and go by a different name and be someone else? Maybe I should just run away for a few days and see if anyone cares or notices or if they treat me better when I get back. I'm really starting to be scared of how stressed I am. Heart attack runs in my family and many of my relatives have had heart attacks not much older than me.
Yesterday all my mom did was bitch about my fiance. That's all she wanted to talk about from the time I got up, to the time I left for the chiropractor and shopping, when I got back and I was making dinner, until he got home from work.
She started again this morning. My mom kinda has insomnia that comes and goes. She has always related crazy dreams. she obviously has trouble distinguishing dreams and reality because she is so out of it when she sleeps, or is super tired when awake. She told me this morning a bunch of crazy stuff happened that I'm pretty sure she imagined or is being paranoid. She tried to say she woke up smelling smoke and thought the house was on fire and that my fiance was up creeping around. At the time she says this happened, I was awake and he was asleep next to me. She said she heard someone in the bathroom and laid awake an hour waiting to go to bathroom. I doubt she was awake all that time. When she did go to the bathroom she said he got up and knocked on the door and she got mad and yelled at him that he didn't need in there! She thinks he was doing drugs and up all night with no sleep. She stayed up another 2 hours in the living room doing crossword puzzles and guarding our bedroom door so he couldn't "get up sneaking around." This is nuts!
I tried to tell her I got up and got a glass of water around midnight and turned the stove light on for a sec so I could see. She probably heard me. I also went to the bathroom at that time. Then I went to bed sometime after that, after the movie I was watching was over. He was sound asleep next to me the whole time until 4 am when he got up to get ready for work. The petty nonsensicalness of this is ridiculous! I told my mom yesterday and this morning she has got to stop with this shit. She is driving me nuts. I can't make one little move in my own house or do anything without defending myself or being held accountable for something that didn't even happen. She thinks I am covering for him. I'm not. He didn't do anything wrong. It is not a crime to get up in the night and pee and get a drink in your own damn kitchen!
As far as a burning smell, when I got up the stove was still hot because after she said she would do dishes since I cooked, she didn't. She left dirty pans on the stove with lids on and it was still warm and smelled kinda funny. I had to make sure the burners were all off. The cats get up there and mess with stuff if dirty dishes are left overnight.
The point is she has got to stop this paranoia and mind her own business. She has no proof he is doing any of the things she says. Yes my fiance smokes weed sometimes. I am against it and don't want to be around it. He knows this. He also knows he has a problem, but at least he doesn't do other things, and he isn't out of control drinking anymore. I joined an online group for families of marijuana addicts and I am doing everything they say to help him. He does want to quit but he has a dependency on it because his mom gave it to him as a little kid because he was hyperventilating and got on her nerves. He has been to counseling. He has been to the doc and been prescribed anxiety meds. He drinks responsibly now, no smoking cigarettes, and I haven't caught him shoplifting in months. He is getting better because he wants to get better so we can get married and maybe have kids. I know I feel kinda used, but I was being used before. At least he has dozens of good qualities to go with his problem. It's still not my mom's business. It's my house and I do everything for her. We have to try to live together.
It just really makes me mad. My ex was such a horrible monster and my mom still upholds him and blames me and gets mad if I even bring him up, or his child. She always defended him when he was abusing me. Now my fiance is nice to me and is there for us and all she does is complain. I just feel sick. My brother has even tried to talk to her for me. If she starts this again tonight I'm erupting. The tension is gonna snap. I've told her and told her to stop putting me in the middle of everything and blaming me. I can't take much more of this, as silly as it sounds it is affecting my stress levels.
Replies
I have read most of your journal postings, but I am sometimes hesitant to respond when it seems like someone isn’t ready to leave the situation they are in(which is completely understandable). The hardest people to let go of are toxic parents. And you are completely valid in feeling the way that you do. But something positive that I have observed throughout all of your postings is that you haven’t settled, you continue to question your treatment, you continue to question her words, and how your fiancé treats you. This is a sign that her abusive behavior hasn’t broken you. But this stress isn’t helping your health, your emotional state, your relationships, or your self-esteem. And perhaps, if you were able to step away from that environment, you would have to freedom to decide how you want to live your life. Your fiancé seems like he has good intentions, but I wonder if you would still choose him if you felt like you were worthy of more. Again, I don’t know him, and it’s incredible that you are so patient and forgiving. But are you forgiving and patient because you love him so much? Or because you feel stuck? I’m not anyone, and I really don’t know anything. I myself was in an incredibly abusive relationship and after that experience, I accepted what I thought I deserved. But once I left that suffocating environment, I could suddenly see clearly. I think the first step is leaving the sitauation with your mother. It’s not running away, it’s finding what you deserve. Because right now, you are still in an abusive relationship. You got out once, you can do it again. We are all here for you <3
Yeah I got away from her abuse once Yana, right into the arms of a sociopath man. I learned not to be with a man just to escape. I went thru a slew of different kinds of men after my ex. I learned alot. When my current man found me he cured alot of the hurt. He kept trying and trying until I started looking happy instead of in great pain. I stay with him because he is comfortable to be around. I can be myself around him. I can open up to him and he listens, never calls me crazy, gives good feedback. I try not to overwhelm him with my thoughts and problems, so I get on this site. I feel like we balance each other well. I also feel like we would function better and be happier if we didn't have mom around because she is always picking at us and causing trouble. It's just a tough situation to be in. I know if I were to come home late or go do something I wanted for a day on my day off, on his day off she would be telling him I cheated or some other nonsense she imagined. So I come home straight after work and rarely leave the house except with him. Because of her not him. One day we will get this sorted but I am a big believer in order of procedure. Have to solve certain parts of this before others. He has to be better. He has to get some debt paid off so his credit is better. When we have better credit and collateral we can try to get a new place to live. Then we can get married. I thought us getting engaged would help her accept him more. Idk that it has. She told me the other day I shouldn't marry him. I'm not worried about that now, it's at least a year away and wedding will be small and cheap.
Yes my patience and endurance is legendary among ppl who know me. I'm very stubborn and determined, give the illusion of flexibility when necessary. But it's strain. Not good.
The whole mess my dad left by not leaving a will and not being married to my mother needs to be handled by a lawyer. But I think I safely need to get out first and have my own house no one can take from me. See how fiance does on our own and if I still trust him and things are better. Then we get married, then we try to sort out how much of my 72 acres of land I actually can do anything with or profit from. But I can't put money into a lawyer now and always worry in the back of my mind I may be homeless at some point or never make money if I sell house. Plus if I move how will my mom pay bills here and taxes? She seems to think my fiance should work 2 jobs and all the chores. That isn't fair. He has a good job and it's hard. I have a good job. No one needs to be switched jobs again.
It's just a waiting game, much like college. It took me 6 years to get an associate degree and my technical cert but I had to work 2 jobs and do summer school. And I did it. I just wish I could solve this mess faster and easier before I get older and unhealthier.
Thanks Yana for reading my stuff and replying. It did help build me up a bit. Reminded me I'm strong. Reminded me why I'm with him, because I don't doubt he loves me. Hard to find ppl who know what love is.
I haven’t been through everything that you’re experiencing, but I can imagine how incredibly difficult and stuck you must feel. I am so sorry, and I’m glad that this site provides an outlet for you, and that your fiancé is so supportive. I’m sure that it hurts to see you under so much stress. And you are so strong and wise and you will come out from under this, even stronger.
Hello,
I am saddened that you are experiencing so much. I do agree that this is a very stress-filled time for you. And this is a good time for much sympathy for all as a group effort. As I read through your post, the words parties, unfair, damaged, missing (among other descriptive words & phrases) stood out. All of you are a part of one whole system of emotional unfairness, and damaged feelings, missing opportunities for positive change. The best way to get started on a healthier approach is to complain less, not necessarily avoiding the strong issues; yet not so quick to find fault or blame. And this will not be an easy task for your mother to control, because she is much older, emotionally damaged, fired up, tired and settled into seeing the one-side of her own painted picture. So, for her sake, as she is your mother, an elder of your generation of family, try to transfer your private thoughts of her faults as pointed directly to what is really the matter with her: she is getting older, and she is still sadly without a loving mate of her own there to anchor her emotions. She needs love and gentle understanding for herself in order to survive this time of her aching life, which all of us need this type of careful life. And to live right in the midst of both you and your mate, each day she sees you with your own style of life, moving forward, while she is still behind, so this way is as a pothole reminder of her own sad issues. See what I mean? She is having a shortage of courage for dealing with challenging issues in a positive, rational, or reasonable way, as she lives everyday with a constant reminder of what she wants and what she can't have, which is what you have, a man nearby for comfort.
Then, in the other side of her picture of life, you are doing fairly well at accomplishing great works, and you are dealing with a relationship that's obliged to the man you love with an honest and loving person; something your mom is lacking. She fully understands that you are literally fixing this person. Something strong, forceful, loyal and determined is therein you that your mother could not possibly have imagined for herself, considering the failure of previous times, times spent at building a future of hope with her own man; and it's a torturing daily reminder of defeating ideas to her now, more to deal with, so to speak, which causes her sleepless nights, grunts & complaints, fault-finding, all suffering emotional feelings of which she transfers on to you, during which moments she is deflecting, while in her heated dishonest debate mode. A shameless approach too; yet she is only human, with lots of heartbreaking pain lingering inside of her; she can't cope on her own; yet she has to resolve these issues through her own way of self-improvements. Take heart that she really considers your life as much happier than her own, which is why she still conjures those false beliefs with the abusive ex. To her, it is easier to cope with her own weaknesses as she recalls them in you.
No matter how you decide to deal with this troubling situation, your mom will not move on or be satisfied until you've managed to show or express gentle feeling for her. And you have every right to demand that she releases the heavy emotional steam in a less aggressive way, only try to help her find a useful way to do this. Perhaps giving her a hotel break once or twice a month (as affordable to the budget) will help. Even treating her to an occasional dinner and movie out on the town is a good idea. All in all, your mom is really the problem here, and it is a collection of emotional disappointments causing her very strong issues. She really needs your love, patience and your understanding heart.
I hope the best for you; otherwise, you are doing great to help your own situation improve, which I greatly admire! :-)
Thanks remiah. You seem to have an insight to my mom's mental condition that I don't. It's hard to be gentle or loving toward her because I don't trust her. She will act ok and nice sometimes, but then turn around and do or say something mean and I realize she was hiding something or being devious.
Do you really think her problem is she needs a man? I have tried to fix her up with old men I know before and she gets mad. She has been hit on and we have neighbors who visit sometimes, always asking if she has a man yet, or suggesting friends of theirs. She says she doesn't want one and that it's a huge relief not to have a man.
I think we would both be happier living apart, yet when I'm gone on vacation or my fiance and I go to a hotel for a weekend, she always says she missed us and was bored the whole time we were gone.
I'm just trying to get her in better health.
Perhaps you are right about some of her motivations but she would never admit it.
Thanks for the input.
You are very welcome for the input! Yes, I do believe that your mother would be much better off with a man in her life. A good one, and it is very considerate of you to try to encourage that. Thing is, I lived with a mother who was broken; she was involved with a married man. Never was she happy though. What she needed was a healthy relationship with a good man. And my mother was not trustworthy, so I do understand what you tell of trusting your own mother. Just as with you, my own mother was kind sometimes, for a short while, and very abusive and aggressive at other times. And it was very hard to be gentle with her. If your mother is angry because you try to fix her up, then the anger is most likely triggered by shame or she is easily embarrassed by your awareness of her vulnerable condition. I can't blame her for that either ;-) It is humiliating to be alone at times. And it does appear that too many are aware that she is without, so naturally it is shameful for her to be without an active man in her life. No matter her strong opposition to having one, it is never a relief to be without some masculine form of love; it is her pride speaking boldly as she is denying what is natural relationship, man & woman. Most likely, it is a labor for her to find a man she dreams for. I hope for her to show interest in searching and believing in finding a true love.
And I do agree that a better and happier relationship is apart from living with your mother. Surely, she misses you when you are separated. Though you need the space apart, because it is so weary to live together, as she is showing signs of deep dependence on you and your fiance. Stay persuaded to take the breaks away as you feel inspired to. It is a responsibility for your mother to make her own efforts to have a life, not up to you to entertain her. Sure, increase the little time you share with her with love and encourage her to see a brighter perspective for herself, yet tomorrow is for her to decide how she should live. You and your fiance have been quite generous in my personal opinion. To put up with family living together, when it is best to live apart, is admirable. However, when the arrangement is causing so much friction and continued disappointment, it is time to separate, for the better of all involved.
It is such a pleasure to chat with you, dear friend! Many bear-hugs to you. Do enjoy this day!