TEN YEARS AFTER...
4 August 2015 - Tuesday
This is not only a long-overdue Journal entry, but a reflection...and a pondering, wandering entry. You may want to grab a cup of coffee for this one...
Right up front, I'm going to be honest about something. Over the past few weeks, the fact that it will soon that Awful Anniversary has pervaded my thoughts. It's not so much the painful memory of how that day changed my life forever, but the idea that it has been TEN YEARS! Holy chit! I am 10 years OLDER than I was then...which makes me 62 to be exact...and I keep wondering what am I doing? What do I want to do next and where do I want to be 10 years from now?
I have been living down here in southwest Florida for nearly 2-1/2 years. Just signed my lease for another year, but with the understanding that if I decide to pull up stakes, I will give my landlord the required 30 days notice and he won't hold me to the full term. The year lease thing is a formality required by the governing HOA, but I always need my landlord to assure me of that. Hell, he's in Illinois. I have only ever met him once and he has no plans to come down here unless something major goes awry (like the HVAC system going kaput.) We talk on the phone about every 6 months and it's always just fine. I had to have the main spring in the garage door replaced. I paid for it and sent him the bill. He sent me a check. It's pretty much hassle-free and I like that.
While this house suits my needs and I love being here in the winter, I'm not really "feeling it" for the area. The jury has been out on this for at least 18 months. While I have made some good friends here (particularly Skip & Richard and Julie), all of THEM made a conscious decision to move down here. Julie is 58; moved down here from Minnesota 5 years ago when her husband died and says she will NEVER go back to that frigid wasteland. Skip & Richard left the northeast and are both young retirees; same reason for moving south -- to escape the winters up north! I sort of ended up here "by default" and it was the right thing to do at the time. All signs pointed to it and everything fell into place. I needed to get out of my comfort zone and challenge myself. But now that I have "been here and done that," I can see where Naples isn't all that good a "fit" for me. For 25 years, I had total privacy from neighbors. I think I need a little place sort of off to itself -- with at least a big yard to putter around in. These gated communities (and these stuffy HOAs) are for the birds! There's also way too many phonies and "wanna be's" in Naples for my taste. I am seeking authentic, down-to-earth people like myself. I always say I am looking for "My People." I have found some, but they are few and far between and it's not all that easy to meet people. The Meetup groups I joined spent way too much time hanging out in bars for Happy Hour and a noisy bar isn't real conducive to meaningful conversation. I am at that unfortunate age where I am too old for the bar scene and too young for the Senior Center!
I live 5 miles from the beach, but rarely go there. It's too hot in the summer and too crowded in the winter. Once in awhile I will drive down there for sunset, but never by myself. I'm always afraid that my loneliness and confusion will come boiling up and that I will crumble into tears -- I really don't want to do that. I go to the gym three times a week and while that DOES seem to make me feel better, it's boring and I hate it. Every month, I think I'm going to cancel my membership and then I feel guilty and keep going. I really preferred it when I didn't need to go to a gym to get exercise! But all those years of throwing hay bales around and schlepping on the farm took their toll on me and they are history, anyway.
I can't say that I am ever homesick -- the REALITY of it is there was nothing to do around there when I was a teenager and there was even LESS as I got older. I lament the woes of being my age -- "too old for the bar scene and too young for the Senior Center." Yet, there are things I miss about my little farm up there. At the 25 year mark, I was more than ready to stop killing myself out there...spending half of my life on a tractor, constantly fixing things (and fretting about what was going to need fixing next), dealing with that 3/10 mile long lane in the winter. The list goes on. But I do miss the privacy. I miss my beautiful perennial gardens. I miss that big old house that was so perfect for entertaining friends. And I miss having a horse. Rio is doing fine in her new home and my nephew (who lives just up the road from the fellow who bought her) always tells me that she looks wonderful! That's good to know.
In mid-September, I will be flying up to Maryland to spend 10 days visiting with family and friends just about all over the state. I will rent a car and hopefully will have my plan all mapped out on the calendar before I get there. I will be staying part of my visit with my brother-in-law who lives in a Baltimore suburb, part with friends out in Frederick County, part with a very old friend near where my farm was and I hope to get out to Western Maryland to spend at least two days with friends that I have known since way back in 1976! The biggest thing on my agenda, though, is to spend time with my twin grandkids who will be 15 this month! I have no idea where the time went -- I saw them in January up in Vero Beach and was shocked to see how they had grown. It won't be long until they leave the nest and I don't want them to forget who their "Mopsy" is! Trying to pin my daughter down on when I can see them is a challenge, but I will persist. Since school will be back in session, it's going to have to be one of the two weekends I am in town!
One thing I am definitely doing while in Maryland is to spend some time with my therapist. She and I have stayed in touch since I moved and while she can't counsel me per se from this distance, she encouraged me to write and let her know how I am doing. We have even spoken on the phone a few times and it's good to know that she keeps me in her thoughts and prayers. But it's not the same as having her close by. She has helped me through some of the most difficult times in my life and I miss her!
On the homefront, things are going well. Woody is doing well and is accepting his new roommate, Buzzy. Just in the past 5 days have they started interacting -- with Woody setting some boundaries right away. It's ok if Buzzy wants to jump on his tail or jump on his back BUT jumping on his head is NOT ACCEPTABLE! Buzzy so obviously wants to be friends...he will follow Woody through the house, trying to keep in step with him and it's just so adorable to watch them! Yesterday, Buzzy sat on the edge of the bathtub waiting for Woody to finish in the litter box. I couldn't get to my camera in time to take a picture, but it sure was cute. The little guy has definitely made me smile and laugh a whole lot in the month he has been here. That's a good thing! Buzzy is alternately a cuddle-bug and a wild man -- typical kitten.
After being a member of a match-making service (Naples Singles) since March, I have had limited success. Bachelor No. 1 was nice enough BUT he was from Ireland and we had absolutely NOTHING in common. Bachelor No. 2 maybe had "promise" BUT he was leaving to go back up north for the summer. I have to wonder what he was thinking when he signed up for the service here. Had two dates with Bachelor No. 3. He was pretty nice; retired optician from Charleston, SC and I did like that Southern charm BUT for a guy who said he divorced his wife due to her drinking problem, he sure could put away the alcohol. On our first date, we met for a late lunch and I think he had 3 beers in 90 minutes! I'm not much of a drinker and I rarely drink anything before evening and while I realize that he may have been nervous (alcohol as "social lubricant") he drank too much on our second meeting, too (again -- daytime). I was relieved when he said he didn't feel any "chemistry" between us (I wasn't really attracted to him, either, although he had a lovely Ragdoll cat LOL!) so that was fine with me.
I had lunch with Bachelor No. 4 not long after I returned from my trip to West Virginia. "Sam" is just a year older than me and semi-retired. Nice fellow from Ohio originally, but has lived in Florida for about 20 years (on the "other" coast). He is still working as a business management consultant and is a great conversationalist. I felt as if he was very GENUINE -- no boasting and he seemed interested in learning about me -- and we found some common ground in our conversations. At the end of our late lunch, he asked for my phone number but like a dummy, I forgot to ask for his. I will admit I am a bit old-fashioned and I still think if a man is interested enough, HE should be the one to make the first call after the initial meeting.
Couple of weeks went by and I didn't hear from Sam. I was a bit disappointed. So NaplesSingles calls with another match and I agreed to meet him up in Bonita Springs for lunch last Thursday. Let's just say that when I got the first look at this guy, I was ready to just turn around and walk back out the door. There is NO WAY this guy was 67 -- and I try NOT to judge people by their age -- BUT using my good friends Skip & Richard as a guideline (they are both 67 and very nice looking -- not old at all!) all I could think was that somebody must have transposed the numerals and surely he must be 76. Yikes! Well, I was my polite, bright and sunny self. I asked all the routine questions (What did you do in your other life? What do you do now that you are retired?) and he answered, BUT I am NOT INTERESTED in someone who spends a lot of time "playing Poker at the VFW." No way! Plus, his false teeth clicked when he talked and it was making me crazy! I couldn't get out of there fast enough -- and I drove straight to the offices of Naples Singles before leaving Bonita Springs.
I think they could tell by the look on my face when I walked in the door that I was pretty fired up. The gal in front said, "Can we help you?" I said, "I certainly hope so. I am Kathi and I just came from an initial meeting with Bachelor No. 5 and I am NOT PLEASED!" Catching them off-guard like that was kind of fun. There was a woman in the reception area filling out the long form questionnaire that is standard and I wasn't about to mince words. I said to these office gals "Do I look like an OLD PERSON TO YOU?" They both said no. So I said, "Well you girls need to CHECK YOUR DATABASE because if that guy is 67, he was ridden hard and put up wet waaay too often!" So the one gal takes this new client into her office and the other one sat down in the reception area with me and I pretty much reiterated everything I had provided on the feedback form after every initial meeting, I said, "I paid a lot of money for this service and so far, I feel like I could have done as well for free on Plenty of Fish! Who comes up with these matches -- a trained monkey?" I knew there was also a new client in the other office, and I refused to lower my voice. I wasn't yelling, but you could say I was extremely EMPHATIC! She couldn't get me out of there fast enough; promised to "speak with the manager" and get back to me. I said "And it better be TODAY."
Not long after I got home (it's about a 20 minute drive back to Naples from Bonita Springs) they did call back; they agreed to credit my account for 3 additional months. I told the woman who called that I would rather WAIT on someone who really WAS a good match than have a new one every few weeks. I also told her that I hadn't heard from Bachelor No. 4 "Sam" and would it be possible for her to ask him if I could have his phone number. She said she would get in touch with him and call me back. She did.
So that was Thursday. After pondering what to do all weekend (all the while kicking myself in the behind and getting kicks from Julie and Lisa) I picked up the phone and dialed Sam, I was hoping just to leave a message, but he did answer, He knew who I was right away and apologized for not getting in touch; said he has been swamped with new clients and then he had to go out of town over the weekend, I said that was ok, and that I normally don't call men, but I wanted to let him know that I really enjoyed our lunch and conversation and would like to get together again sometime. He agreed. So we left it that he's going to call me on Thursday and we're going to set something up for Saturday. I had to reiterate to him that I turn into a pumpkin at 9:00 p.m. because Woody has to have his insulin shot, but I am free all afternoon that day and early evening. So we'll see. I'm NOT going to call him again. The ball is in his court. I'm not getting my hopes up and I would be perfectly happy just making a friend and doing stuff together once in a while.
Not much else happening around here right now. I am without some kind of project to work on and, once again, am thinking of getting out my Sculpey clay and fooling around with that .I also think about digging out all that seaglass that I have been toting around with me for years and trying to get back into making some jewelry with it. I still have tons of fabric and part of me would like to try some other kind of quilt project, but after finally finishing the lap quilt I made for Helen, I KNOW that I'm NOT going to be doing the machine quilting myself on anything larger than a wall hanging. I love doing the design and piecing, but trying to machine quilt something that big on a regular sewing machine is frustrating and close to impossible. It's not that expensive to send out the pieced top and have someone with a real quilting machine do that part. Just can't seem to get motivated. You could say that I am suffering from "Creative Block." It happens.
It's also dead summer here which is kind of like the Cabin Fever that sets in up north around February. If you have errands to run, you go early in the morning before it gets too hot. Then you stay inside in the air conditioning until late in the evening. I laugh and say we're like a bunch of vampires down here in the summertime. It's hot and the sun is very intense, but overall, it's actually more tolerable here than in Maryland this time of year. Up there, the humidity is absolutely stifling and the air is that icky yellow-gray. Blecch! I sure don't miss that, either. The great weather will return about the tail-end of September so it's a matter of passing time between now and then. Unfortunately, when the good weather gets here...those damned Snowbirds start to arrive. LOL!
So where is this all leading? For years, I have dreamed of having a motorhome or travel trailer and "taking my show on the road." That's something the X and I talked about doing and I know he's out of the picture. But I still have that dream. However, I am yet to figure out just how to do it and the idea of doing it alone is a little daunting. The RADICAL move would be to divest myself of "all my worldly goods" and just go for it. OR I could put everything in storage. OR I could go buy a little place somewhere (very inexpensive up around Ft. Pierce on the Atlantic coast) and then I would have a place to come home to and still have enough money to afford my house on wheels. I just don't know what to do! And trying to figure it out by myself is just not working real well. Ugh! Believe me when I say it's very difficult when you can go where ever you want and do what ever you want!To someone like me, this is like going to a restaurant and being handed a 10-page menu -- TOO MANY CHOICES! I often feel like this is worse than having NO choice at all! This is going to be the major topic for discussion when I see my therapist and my financial guy in September.
So that's where I am right now...I continually remind myself that sometimes, I just have to relax and WAIT for a sign. I don't want to do anything impulsive. I believe that when it's time for me to make a change, all the signs will point in that direction. I'm trying very hard to listen and watch for signs and NOT get in the way of a miracle that might be trying to happen!
Thanks in advance, my dear DS friends, for taking the time to "listen." Know that I treasure all of you and that any and all comments are always appreciated!
Lots of love and big, squeezy hugs from,the Cowgirl
This is not only a long-overdue Journal entry, but a reflection...and a pondering, wandering entry. You may want to grab a cup of coffee for this one...
Right up front, I'm going to be honest about something. Over the past few weeks, the fact that it will soon that Awful Anniversary has pervaded my thoughts. It's not so much the painful memory of how that day changed my life forever, but the idea that it has been TEN YEARS! Holy chit! I am 10 years OLDER than I was then...which makes me 62 to be exact...and I keep wondering what am I doing? What do I want to do next and where do I want to be 10 years from now?
I have been living down here in southwest Florida for nearly 2-1/2 years. Just signed my lease for another year, but with the understanding that if I decide to pull up stakes, I will give my landlord the required 30 days notice and he won't hold me to the full term. The year lease thing is a formality required by the governing HOA, but I always need my landlord to assure me of that. Hell, he's in Illinois. I have only ever met him once and he has no plans to come down here unless something major goes awry (like the HVAC system going kaput.) We talk on the phone about every 6 months and it's always just fine. I had to have the main spring in the garage door replaced. I paid for it and sent him the bill. He sent me a check. It's pretty much hassle-free and I like that.
While this house suits my needs and I love being here in the winter, I'm not really "feeling it" for the area. The jury has been out on this for at least 18 months. While I have made some good friends here (particularly Skip & Richard and Julie), all of THEM made a conscious decision to move down here. Julie is 58; moved down here from Minnesota 5 years ago when her husband died and says she will NEVER go back to that frigid wasteland. Skip & Richard left the northeast and are both young retirees; same reason for moving south -- to escape the winters up north! I sort of ended up here "by default" and it was the right thing to do at the time. All signs pointed to it and everything fell into place. I needed to get out of my comfort zone and challenge myself. But now that I have "been here and done that," I can see where Naples isn't all that good a "fit" for me. For 25 years, I had total privacy from neighbors. I think I need a little place sort of off to itself -- with at least a big yard to putter around in. These gated communities (and these stuffy HOAs) are for the birds! There's also way too many phonies and "wanna be's" in Naples for my taste. I am seeking authentic, down-to-earth people like myself. I always say I am looking for "My People." I have found some, but they are few and far between and it's not all that easy to meet people. The Meetup groups I joined spent way too much time hanging out in bars for Happy Hour and a noisy bar isn't real conducive to meaningful conversation. I am at that unfortunate age where I am too old for the bar scene and too young for the Senior Center!
I live 5 miles from the beach, but rarely go there. It's too hot in the summer and too crowded in the winter. Once in awhile I will drive down there for sunset, but never by myself. I'm always afraid that my loneliness and confusion will come boiling up and that I will crumble into tears -- I really don't want to do that. I go to the gym three times a week and while that DOES seem to make me feel better, it's boring and I hate it. Every month, I think I'm going to cancel my membership and then I feel guilty and keep going. I really preferred it when I didn't need to go to a gym to get exercise! But all those years of throwing hay bales around and schlepping on the farm took their toll on me and they are history, anyway.
I can't say that I am ever homesick -- the REALITY of it is there was nothing to do around there when I was a teenager and there was even LESS as I got older. I lament the woes of being my age -- "too old for the bar scene and too young for the Senior Center." Yet, there are things I miss about my little farm up there. At the 25 year mark, I was more than ready to stop killing myself out there...spending half of my life on a tractor, constantly fixing things (and fretting about what was going to need fixing next), dealing with that 3/10 mile long lane in the winter. The list goes on. But I do miss the privacy. I miss my beautiful perennial gardens. I miss that big old house that was so perfect for entertaining friends. And I miss having a horse. Rio is doing fine in her new home and my nephew (who lives just up the road from the fellow who bought her) always tells me that she looks wonderful! That's good to know.
In mid-September, I will be flying up to Maryland to spend 10 days visiting with family and friends just about all over the state. I will rent a car and hopefully will have my plan all mapped out on the calendar before I get there. I will be staying part of my visit with my brother-in-law who lives in a Baltimore suburb, part with friends out in Frederick County, part with a very old friend near where my farm was and I hope to get out to Western Maryland to spend at least two days with friends that I have known since way back in 1976! The biggest thing on my agenda, though, is to spend time with my twin grandkids who will be 15 this month! I have no idea where the time went -- I saw them in January up in Vero Beach and was shocked to see how they had grown. It won't be long until they leave the nest and I don't want them to forget who their "Mopsy" is! Trying to pin my daughter down on when I can see them is a challenge, but I will persist. Since school will be back in session, it's going to have to be one of the two weekends I am in town!
One thing I am definitely doing while in Maryland is to spend some time with my therapist. She and I have stayed in touch since I moved and while she can't counsel me per se from this distance, she encouraged me to write and let her know how I am doing. We have even spoken on the phone a few times and it's good to know that she keeps me in her thoughts and prayers. But it's not the same as having her close by. She has helped me through some of the most difficult times in my life and I miss her!
On the homefront, things are going well. Woody is doing well and is accepting his new roommate, Buzzy. Just in the past 5 days have they started interacting -- with Woody setting some boundaries right away. It's ok if Buzzy wants to jump on his tail or jump on his back BUT jumping on his head is NOT ACCEPTABLE! Buzzy so obviously wants to be friends...he will follow Woody through the house, trying to keep in step with him and it's just so adorable to watch them! Yesterday, Buzzy sat on the edge of the bathtub waiting for Woody to finish in the litter box. I couldn't get to my camera in time to take a picture, but it sure was cute. The little guy has definitely made me smile and laugh a whole lot in the month he has been here. That's a good thing! Buzzy is alternately a cuddle-bug and a wild man -- typical kitten.
After being a member of a match-making service (Naples Singles) since March, I have had limited success. Bachelor No. 1 was nice enough BUT he was from Ireland and we had absolutely NOTHING in common. Bachelor No. 2 maybe had "promise" BUT he was leaving to go back up north for the summer. I have to wonder what he was thinking when he signed up for the service here. Had two dates with Bachelor No. 3. He was pretty nice; retired optician from Charleston, SC and I did like that Southern charm BUT for a guy who said he divorced his wife due to her drinking problem, he sure could put away the alcohol. On our first date, we met for a late lunch and I think he had 3 beers in 90 minutes! I'm not much of a drinker and I rarely drink anything before evening and while I realize that he may have been nervous (alcohol as "social lubricant") he drank too much on our second meeting, too (again -- daytime). I was relieved when he said he didn't feel any "chemistry" between us (I wasn't really attracted to him, either, although he had a lovely Ragdoll cat LOL!) so that was fine with me.
I had lunch with Bachelor No. 4 not long after I returned from my trip to West Virginia. "Sam" is just a year older than me and semi-retired. Nice fellow from Ohio originally, but has lived in Florida for about 20 years (on the "other" coast). He is still working as a business management consultant and is a great conversationalist. I felt as if he was very GENUINE -- no boasting and he seemed interested in learning about me -- and we found some common ground in our conversations. At the end of our late lunch, he asked for my phone number but like a dummy, I forgot to ask for his. I will admit I am a bit old-fashioned and I still think if a man is interested enough, HE should be the one to make the first call after the initial meeting.
Couple of weeks went by and I didn't hear from Sam. I was a bit disappointed. So NaplesSingles calls with another match and I agreed to meet him up in Bonita Springs for lunch last Thursday. Let's just say that when I got the first look at this guy, I was ready to just turn around and walk back out the door. There is NO WAY this guy was 67 -- and I try NOT to judge people by their age -- BUT using my good friends Skip & Richard as a guideline (they are both 67 and very nice looking -- not old at all!) all I could think was that somebody must have transposed the numerals and surely he must be 76. Yikes! Well, I was my polite, bright and sunny self. I asked all the routine questions (What did you do in your other life? What do you do now that you are retired?) and he answered, BUT I am NOT INTERESTED in someone who spends a lot of time "playing Poker at the VFW." No way! Plus, his false teeth clicked when he talked and it was making me crazy! I couldn't get out of there fast enough -- and I drove straight to the offices of Naples Singles before leaving Bonita Springs.
I think they could tell by the look on my face when I walked in the door that I was pretty fired up. The gal in front said, "Can we help you?" I said, "I certainly hope so. I am Kathi and I just came from an initial meeting with Bachelor No. 5 and I am NOT PLEASED!" Catching them off-guard like that was kind of fun. There was a woman in the reception area filling out the long form questionnaire that is standard and I wasn't about to mince words. I said to these office gals "Do I look like an OLD PERSON TO YOU?" They both said no. So I said, "Well you girls need to CHECK YOUR DATABASE because if that guy is 67, he was ridden hard and put up wet waaay too often!" So the one gal takes this new client into her office and the other one sat down in the reception area with me and I pretty much reiterated everything I had provided on the feedback form after every initial meeting, I said, "I paid a lot of money for this service and so far, I feel like I could have done as well for free on Plenty of Fish! Who comes up with these matches -- a trained monkey?" I knew there was also a new client in the other office, and I refused to lower my voice. I wasn't yelling, but you could say I was extremely EMPHATIC! She couldn't get me out of there fast enough; promised to "speak with the manager" and get back to me. I said "And it better be TODAY."
Not long after I got home (it's about a 20 minute drive back to Naples from Bonita Springs) they did call back; they agreed to credit my account for 3 additional months. I told the woman who called that I would rather WAIT on someone who really WAS a good match than have a new one every few weeks. I also told her that I hadn't heard from Bachelor No. 4 "Sam" and would it be possible for her to ask him if I could have his phone number. She said she would get in touch with him and call me back. She did.
So that was Thursday. After pondering what to do all weekend (all the while kicking myself in the behind and getting kicks from Julie and Lisa) I picked up the phone and dialed Sam, I was hoping just to leave a message, but he did answer, He knew who I was right away and apologized for not getting in touch; said he has been swamped with new clients and then he had to go out of town over the weekend, I said that was ok, and that I normally don't call men, but I wanted to let him know that I really enjoyed our lunch and conversation and would like to get together again sometime. He agreed. So we left it that he's going to call me on Thursday and we're going to set something up for Saturday. I had to reiterate to him that I turn into a pumpkin at 9:00 p.m. because Woody has to have his insulin shot, but I am free all afternoon that day and early evening. So we'll see. I'm NOT going to call him again. The ball is in his court. I'm not getting my hopes up and I would be perfectly happy just making a friend and doing stuff together once in a while.
Not much else happening around here right now. I am without some kind of project to work on and, once again, am thinking of getting out my Sculpey clay and fooling around with that .I also think about digging out all that seaglass that I have been toting around with me for years and trying to get back into making some jewelry with it. I still have tons of fabric and part of me would like to try some other kind of quilt project, but after finally finishing the lap quilt I made for Helen, I KNOW that I'm NOT going to be doing the machine quilting myself on anything larger than a wall hanging. I love doing the design and piecing, but trying to machine quilt something that big on a regular sewing machine is frustrating and close to impossible. It's not that expensive to send out the pieced top and have someone with a real quilting machine do that part. Just can't seem to get motivated. You could say that I am suffering from "Creative Block." It happens.
It's also dead summer here which is kind of like the Cabin Fever that sets in up north around February. If you have errands to run, you go early in the morning before it gets too hot. Then you stay inside in the air conditioning until late in the evening. I laugh and say we're like a bunch of vampires down here in the summertime. It's hot and the sun is very intense, but overall, it's actually more tolerable here than in Maryland this time of year. Up there, the humidity is absolutely stifling and the air is that icky yellow-gray. Blecch! I sure don't miss that, either. The great weather will return about the tail-end of September so it's a matter of passing time between now and then. Unfortunately, when the good weather gets here...those damned Snowbirds start to arrive. LOL!
So where is this all leading? For years, I have dreamed of having a motorhome or travel trailer and "taking my show on the road." That's something the X and I talked about doing and I know he's out of the picture. But I still have that dream. However, I am yet to figure out just how to do it and the idea of doing it alone is a little daunting. The RADICAL move would be to divest myself of "all my worldly goods" and just go for it. OR I could put everything in storage. OR I could go buy a little place somewhere (very inexpensive up around Ft. Pierce on the Atlantic coast) and then I would have a place to come home to and still have enough money to afford my house on wheels. I just don't know what to do! And trying to figure it out by myself is just not working real well. Ugh! Believe me when I say it's very difficult when you can go where ever you want and do what ever you want!To someone like me, this is like going to a restaurant and being handed a 10-page menu -- TOO MANY CHOICES! I often feel like this is worse than having NO choice at all! This is going to be the major topic for discussion when I see my therapist and my financial guy in September.
So that's where I am right now...I continually remind myself that sometimes, I just have to relax and WAIT for a sign. I don't want to do anything impulsive. I believe that when it's time for me to make a change, all the signs will point in that direction. I'm trying very hard to listen and watch for signs and NOT get in the way of a miracle that might be trying to happen!
Thanks in advance, my dear DS friends, for taking the time to "listen." Know that I treasure all of you and that any and all comments are always appreciated!
Lots of love and big, squeezy hugs from,the Cowgirl
Replies
Damn, you have a LOT on your plate! I hope Sam turns out decent. As a folksinger and songwriter, when I perform, I tell people about love gone bad songs and ask them how many positive songs are there? The answer is too plain. This is the second time that you are seriously dealing with your need to \"take it on the road.\" I have to sat that I was almost scared to death to take off on my new \"adventure: leaving the U.S. And living in SE Asia. It has been great as well as tragic. Would I trade it in for something else? I don\'t think so. I have more than \"grown up\" here. My life here has been in no way a straight road; however, that great question that I ask others who travel is always asked, even of myself, \"What have you learned about yourself in your travels?\" They usually talk about the \"stuff\" of the trip and I ALWAYS have to remind them that I am not asking about the \"stuff,\' I am asking about your soul! I hope you get the metaphor.
Hugs and love,
Neesie
I think there is some kind of karma at work here. Today I put a deposit down on a sweet little 18 ft. Palomino Puma travel trailer. Sleeps 6, has ac, all the storage, etc. It was the perfect little camper I had been searching for for two years and definitely at the right price.
I guess I\'m telling you this because despite all I\'ve been through in my 7 years of separation and divorce, I never lost sight of some basic goals: house, someone special in my life, and a camper. To me, having these items meant that I had some vestige of my old life back--the one that imploded when dipshit ex decided to cheat again. Don\'t get me wrong--I like my new life so much better now, but needed these items to truly feel myself again.
I always knew I wanted a camper so I could just go off and camp. My special guy asked me tonight, \"Where would you go?\" I replied, \"Anywhere and Everywhere!\" Even though I\'ve met this really nice guy, he knows that riding off into the sunset in my camper has always been the dream once I retire for good.
The message in all this is this: don\'t lose sight of the dream. It is certainly doable and as you said, when the time is right, everything will fall into place as it did for me.
Hang in there, my dear friend. Hugs!!!!
You can rent the camper and see if it turns out the way you dream of it. I have AAA and they have been good at rescuing me. I say, do it know before it\'s impossible so you don\'t ever say \"I wish I did.\"
It\'s hot as blazes here. We went to my husbands family reunion where it was a cool 90-92 degrees. We do the same here, stay inside....which I dislike. We are so looking forward to cooler weather.
Sounds like Sam is a good match. I hope he calls you and asks you out again. He\'s a fool if he doesn\'t pursue you.
I loved this journal - you have got so much going on! I\'ve already told you in my messages but wanted you to know here too. You\'ve come a long way girl! xxoo
Don\'t panic, Kathi. Everything will happen at the right time as you say. I think you\'re in a bit of shock that it\'s ten years and suddenly, you feel like you haven\'t moved on like you thought you would have. We are all in the places we are meant to be at this very moment.
From the outside looking in, I think you\'ve done a lot of growing up and finding you in the last ten years. I hope your therapist will agree. I also hope she\'ll help you find your way over this hump.
Feeling uncomfortable where you are may indicate that there\'s a change coming, but that change could be within you just as easily as around you. Your time in Naples so far may have been a transition period, and now you\'re about to embark on the next part of the journey of your life.
I\'m sorry you haven\'t had any luck on your dates. Good on you for letting the agency know what your think! At least you\'re out there trying. I\'m still hiding at home, and avoiding any bloke who looks my way. I was very proud of myself yesterday when I looked at a bloke long enough to see him wink and nod!! Gotta start somewhere. But back to you, I like the sound of this Sam guy, and hope he\'s just a bit shy about making the next move.
As for the weather, thank God for ac, hey? It saves me in winter and summer here, and I wouldn\'t leave this place for anything because my family is here. Maybe that\'s what you\'re needing right now - to be closer to your daughter and the twins? If there\'s one thing I\'ve realised since leaving the ex, it\'s that my kids mean more to me than anything else, and the grands are the light of my life. Our relationships are everything.
I think the best way to \'not get in the way of that miracle\' is to just keep on living your life every day, and try not to think about it. Relax, concentrate on living in the moment, and let it sneak up on you.
Buzzy sounds great!!
love Kate xxxxx
I think it\'s great that you called Sam. I am also like you in that the man should do the pursuing but now women have to be more proactive as times have changed. Who knows - you both may be glad you did someday. I haven\'t had much luck meeting anyone lately but so many people I know lately are in relationships from online sites, etc. Good luck - I hoped he called you today.
I also lived in Fla. for 23 years (near Ft. Lauderdale) and the heat did get to me after a while and I like warmer climates. In NC I like the changes because the severe weather doesn\'t last as long here. It\'s really hot now but soon it will be cooling. I just enjoy the seasons again. I hope you decide where you would like to move to but at least you can go wherever you want to go. Take your time and rent before you make a permanent decision if that would help you decide.
I like Buzzy - he sound so sweet wanting to be friends with Woody. :)
Have a great time in Maryland and enjoy the grandkids. If you ever come to NC you are always welcome to visit me.
Great big hugs,
Donna
Hope I\'m as active, out there, and self aware as you when I hit the \"wow, has it really been 10 years?\" mark!
I would hate to be doing the vampire lifestyle for more than a few days at a time as well, so the camper life sounds good to me too. I love camping, but as a single woman, I want to be able to lock the door, not worried about the bears, but the human animals are too unpredictable.
Thanks for sharing Kathi!
Phew! That was a long entry! :)
Hope you have a nice time in Maryland- sounds like fun.
And yes, Minnesota is a wintery hell.
have a nice time Cathy on your journey, nice to have your courage best of luck
Chris