Telling the kids
We are planning on telling the kids this weekend. I am so scared in tellinng them, I am afraid on how they will react. I am more afraid if they don't react at all. I don't want them to hold it in. I want them to get mad, sad, something. I know holding it in is not good.
I am planning on asking the school for help. I will be asking the school psychologist to meet with them and to keep an eye on them.
I am planning on asking the school for help. I will be asking the school psychologist to meet with them and to keep an eye on them.
Replies
Hi
How old are your kids, I may be able to provide some suggestions. I used to run groups for kids who\'s parents were divorcing, been awhile since I ran the coursesso from memory: 1) Tell them (if you can together) that mom and dad are separating, that dad is going to live (tell them where you\'re going to live and get them over to see your place soon) 2) that mom and dad grew apart, but that they love you very much and will always be your parents 3) that you know this must be hard for them, reassure them it\'s not their fault (kids sometimes blame themselves) 4) let them know what the plan is (when are you moving out, where are you moving, where are the kids going to stay, when will they be with dad and when mom, they will want concrete details)
Always remember to separate the marital from the parental, goes without saying don\'t involve kids in fights, quiz them about what the other parent is doing, make them take messages back and forth (keep them out of the middle)
Try to keep routines (mealtime, bedtime, structure)
Elizabeth Hickey wrote a book Healing Heartsit\'s good.
All kids react differently, depends on their age, some hold it in, others may talkthey may need some time to process. Don\'t force a reaction, just let them know you are here for them anytime they want to talk. I sometimes (if the kids were young) get them to draw how they feltsome kids react by doing not so great at school for a bit, may act out of character, a little more aggressive or withdrawn, have sleeping and eating difficultykids grieve differently than adults do, if they\'re really young they may have a hard time verbalizing how they feel, if they\'re teens, they may want to take sides, get overly involved, they do\'t need to know all the details (it\'s harmful) If you google BC Council for the Families they have some literature (I also wrote an article a long time ago on Constructive Divorce)also google Information Children at Simon Fraser university , email them and ask them to send you the pamphlet on divorce and kids (I wrote them a few years ago)
Hope this helps, I\'m on the runI\'ll probably think of morehaven\'t done this work in awhileyes now I have to take my own advice and live my work!!
Take carethoughts are with you.
PSkids will cope as well as their parents are copingif you\'re holding it together, they\'ll be okIt sounds like you are a good stable, loving parent, and you aren\'t relying on them as your support system. This will be a time in their lives that you\'ll need to help them through it and to cope. Telling them is hard for sure, but they\'ll need to process this in the months and year to come. Ahron\'s also wrote a book called the\" Good Divorce\"she says parents that are able to move to \"cooperative colleagues\"..that is a relationship like business partners, their kids are their assets, they can treat each other with respect (are not good friends), but like work colleagues can put aside their personal differences and put the kids first. You\'re doing a good job of coping, and continue to do that, make sure you have a good support system.trust me, I know I\'m going to have to take my own advicemy kids are teens and we\'re having lots of discussion. As much as I have trouble with my STBX, I try not to run him down to my kids (he\'s still their father), but I have had to discuss his drinking with them. Though, like you, I\'m all over the place in terms of my emotions, I want my kids to know that I am stable and they can depend on meyou can help them by modelling good coping skillsSadly, I did my Master\'s degree in the area of separation and divorcelike I said, I\'m going to have to take my own adviceeasy to give it, harder to take it!
http://www.bccf.ca/all/resources/constructive-divorce-focusing-function
http://www.informationchildren.com/?page_id=88
(email them and you can ask for this pamphlet it\'s free.)
Maybe, before you tell them the details, you can ensure them they can freely talk about their feelings, etc. towards the issue at hand.
I wish you much luck.