Telling my small t truth leads me to the TRUTH
I posted I had to look at the way I had used, abused, rejected and neglected others; especially my S-I-L and daughter.
In meditation this morning, I had flashback of how horrifically I treated my ex the night we got married. I turned into another woman; most people would call it a bitch. And it only got worse from there.
I (like my S-I-L with me) didn't want him to have anything to do with his parents; I wanted all his time (which was never enough of course). He worked for Ill. Bell and when he would tell me thru the day he stopped at his parents, I would be livid. "Why do you need to see them all the time? Why didn't you come home instead of going there?, etc." I was so very jealous of everything he did with his parents. I was jealous of his time with anyone; not people, but time. Pay attention to me, me, me, me, me! Which, I said, would never be enough no matter what he did. I wanted to control everything he did. Everything. And I thought he let me! Until he had an affair and left. Now I could play the martyr/victim and say "poor me; Dale the cheater!" Everything I did was so very FEAR based. That is not blaming myself, that is simply understand myself.
Anyway, this is what my S-I-L has done to me in a sense. He stopped speaking to me the night they got married (nothing but nice before; just like me). He doesn't want my daughter around me, (I don't know if she lives in hell or not) he doesn't want her to have anything to do with family period. And obviously she plays the game. Her Dad played the game also and he continues to attract women whom he lets control him (been married 4 times) then he leaves; we really never did control him.
Like I said, My S-I-L was so nice before they got married and I was so nice before the kids Dad and I got married...Then, Katie bar the door! I know what self-hatred I had, I know how fear based I was, I know how insecure I was, I know I had no concept of love. None! So, down deep, I can find a piece of compassion for him, because I am finding self-compassion and forgiveness for me. I am beginning to be forgiving of him because I am beginning to forgive me.
There's so much shame in my actions; yet I did not know better. I was so arrogant, so manipulative at times, etc. Just like my S-I-L.
Seeing how my daughter and my S-I-L are just like their Dad and I is such a gift. They too are playing out learned behaviour/roles just like we did.
I feel a deep wound has been healed; but I think there is some grieving to do!
The big TRUTH IS, WE ARE ALL CONNECTED IN SPIRIT! So in Spirit, Erin, T.C., Dale and I are all ONE! Our actions/traits are simply learned. Sweet Spirit help me to unlearn. Help me to see myself and others as you see them! Help me to not judge myself or others.
I am a work in progress!
Have a blessed Tuesday everyone!
Hugszzzzzzz,
Vicki
In meditation this morning, I had flashback of how horrifically I treated my ex the night we got married. I turned into another woman; most people would call it a bitch. And it only got worse from there.
I (like my S-I-L with me) didn't want him to have anything to do with his parents; I wanted all his time (which was never enough of course). He worked for Ill. Bell and when he would tell me thru the day he stopped at his parents, I would be livid. "Why do you need to see them all the time? Why didn't you come home instead of going there?, etc." I was so very jealous of everything he did with his parents. I was jealous of his time with anyone; not people, but time. Pay attention to me, me, me, me, me! Which, I said, would never be enough no matter what he did. I wanted to control everything he did. Everything. And I thought he let me! Until he had an affair and left. Now I could play the martyr/victim and say "poor me; Dale the cheater!" Everything I did was so very FEAR based. That is not blaming myself, that is simply understand myself.
Anyway, this is what my S-I-L has done to me in a sense. He stopped speaking to me the night they got married (nothing but nice before; just like me). He doesn't want my daughter around me, (I don't know if she lives in hell or not) he doesn't want her to have anything to do with family period. And obviously she plays the game. Her Dad played the game also and he continues to attract women whom he lets control him (been married 4 times) then he leaves; we really never did control him.
Like I said, My S-I-L was so nice before they got married and I was so nice before the kids Dad and I got married...Then, Katie bar the door! I know what self-hatred I had, I know how fear based I was, I know how insecure I was, I know I had no concept of love. None! So, down deep, I can find a piece of compassion for him, because I am finding self-compassion and forgiveness for me. I am beginning to be forgiving of him because I am beginning to forgive me.
There's so much shame in my actions; yet I did not know better. I was so arrogant, so manipulative at times, etc. Just like my S-I-L.
Seeing how my daughter and my S-I-L are just like their Dad and I is such a gift. They too are playing out learned behaviour/roles just like we did.
I feel a deep wound has been healed; but I think there is some grieving to do!
The big TRUTH IS, WE ARE ALL CONNECTED IN SPIRIT! So in Spirit, Erin, T.C., Dale and I are all ONE! Our actions/traits are simply learned. Sweet Spirit help me to unlearn. Help me to see myself and others as you see them! Help me to not judge myself or others.
I am a work in progress!
Have a blessed Tuesday everyone!
Hugszzzzzzz,
Vicki
Replies
Hi Vicky
yep...spiritual beings having a human experience. thank you for sharing this. you also have a wonderful Tuesday.
love &
rick hugs
I wrote a long comment to this and lost it!
But the jist of it was: It\'s all those layers we talk about isn\'t it? Facing the good, the bad and then the ugly! I cringe at how I behaved in some of my relationships....what I put up with...how needy I was....I just wanted someone to say \'you can rest now Rosie\'....of course I\'m the one who has to say that.
Facing the ugliest parts of ourselves is hard...and you are brave Vicki. It\'s not easy to say \'my behaviour was not okay\'...and to forgive ourselves. But that\'s where we \'were\', at that time, with all that had happened to us from before still \'playing\'.
You light the way for me Vicki...thank you and big hugs xxxx
We are all innocent.
It is a legacy of generational suffering that has been handed down.
I have learned there is nothing for me to \"do\" about this but just to see it. This has been quite transformational and freeing for me.
(((HUG)))
Thanks Rick and Rosie! Yes Lisa...I learned this years ago when I was a teacher @ unity and incorporate it in all my classes. It\'s the #1 metaphysical law. That being said, (and maybe because I had so much woundedness/damage to undo) I have to surrender and ask for guidance wisdom strength courage and many more things from the Divine. I have to sit in the silence and listen. I have to share teach and learn from others. I have to become humble enough to ask for help. I have to forgive myself and others. I am happy this is so easy for you ...but it seems to b an ongoing everyday process for me! Every single day! I am happy for you though! xo
It isn\'t easy for me either. seems I have to work at it some days. No one wants to look at their crappy behaviors but it needs to be done so we can move on. I was such an ass sometimes and needy as you were Vicky. also self seeking and selfish at times and sometimes only thinking of myself. of course ...I\'m pretty hard on my self too...aren\'t we all. I find it hardest to forgive myself.
YOU are such an inspiration.
love & hugs
rick