Tears unknown

Today has been a trying day. So many emotions running around
in my head and heart, it is taking a toll on me. I am not use to opening up to
these emotions. I am thinking that they are better left hidden and tucked away.


I have always thought of myself as being a strong person.
And now, at this time in my life along with my age, my troubles seem to haunt
me all day long. I cant escape them. I am not strong anymore. I am not the
same person I was. I wish I could say: with age comes wisdom but, I do not
have the energy and I have not learned anything valuable to share or leave
behind to my children.


My marriage is failing, my looks fading, my morals compromised,
my dignity shattered, and my love diminishes. In replace of it all I have
become isolated from the World, unhappy, and consumed by pretending that
everything is ok.


Crying is something I do not do very often. I dont cry when
I see a sad movie, I dont cry when I get hurt, I dont cry when emotions run
high, and I dont cry when you should cry. I have mastered this technique for
years, to come to terms that I am bursting like waterworks over everything and
anything lately. I have lost control of myself.


My husband and I met with the marriage counselor today. At
first it started out the same as it always does but, things were said and I
began to get angry and raise my voice. I wasnt yelling. That is not the kind
of person I am but, the doctor and my husband could hear my anger and see it.
Why so angry? Perhaps, I am angry with the uncontrollable situation I am in.
Maybe, it is that I am angry that I have let myself become weak. I dont really
know. My brain hurts from trying to figure it out.


After that horrible session with the doctor I went and saw
my mother. I knew this would be a big mistake. With the emotional state I was
in. Like all mothers she tries her best to ease the pain but, really most of
the time, makes things worse. She tells me that I have to stay with my husband
(at least until my kids are adults). She tells me things I have been grappling
over for years now. It is like she doesnt think I have thought this out. Like
it is an impulsive reaction to something just now happening? So, it left me
feeling guilty and so much lonelier. I dont feel as if I need her approval on
what I decide to do but it still leaves me feeling like I am a disappointment. And
then the tears came. Filling my eyes and my heart ached. I told her I just want
a partner a man to touch me with an unconditional, undying love, a true
heartfelt feeling they care. I burst out into tears when I gave her the example
of my father putting his hand on the small of my back to greet me the other
day. This simple touch from a man I so love was a touch that reminded me that
every moment matters. It is a gesture of kindness and caring. I so long for
that from my husband.and I will never get it.