Tears streaming

wow the holidays are getting closer. We had great trip visiting the grandkids and my son Shawn   We left INDIANA and stopped at Birminham, Al for dinner with Ken's children and breakfast the next morning Before heading to TEXAS to see Shawn and his family. he surprised me with Box Seating. Free Food/ Drinks at a Houston Game.  We had a great time and full bellies. We left on Wednesday headed to New Orleans for some shopping and Destin, Fl for some good eating..we left for Daytona to visit mt grandchildren there( Ken's) my Granddaughters enjoyed a day of shopping while Grandpa watched the baby...I decided to take the long way home and we drove through SC, NC and the Smokies in hope of some beautiful changing of the leaves. No disappoinment. It was beautiful...  We got home 12 days later, picked up baby Abby and soon a a yard full of snow and cold. Beautiful but again cold...weather was much warmer in the south.  It was a great trip and so happy to get to see so many of the family.  Thanksgiving is soon more family, then Christmas with more family. Would be nice one time to have them all together but don't see that happening.  I titled this Tears Streaming why you ask since it is an upbeat journal but I am reminded of many tears moms will  have streaming down their faces now and as the holidays are here including this mom will have her share of tears.  I can remember the first days, years that were totally unbearable, the pain, the emptiness that filled my every part of me. I remember barely coping.. The first Christmas when the family came over, my next to oldest son said Merry Christmas mom and I responded What's Merry about it.  I remember the hours of tears.  The heart breaking into a thousand pieces. Not knowing how I could get through the day or the next.  Even though on Dec 30th Ken will be gone 5 years and I yet can't wrap that around my head as I could not on Dec 30th., 2009 but as much as I never thought I could make it through one day. I did. Time passed and I still didn't feel I could make it through the day dreading for morning wishing for night to escape, yet here I am still missin my wonderful beautiful first born baby and on the day I begin to start to live again was Ken's 3rd anniversary.  I remember it well too as I did my routine from the bed to the couch back to bed. But that day when I laid on the couch something happened,,I think Ken was sitting on the couch. Kicked me in the butt and said "Mom, get up and live". And that I did. That day it changed for me. I began to enjoy things again. Seeing my Grandchildren, traveling, new friends.  Will I get sad YES. will I cry YES. Will I continue to miss my son YES. WILL I HAVE STREAMING TEARS AGAIN. YES!! But today I can share with you a great trip I had seeing my Family. I can actually feel joy and happiness.  Yes there will always be something missing in my life, but I can have both. I can miss and cry and love my KENNY, but it is okay that I can also have good times whether with family or friends. And I can also continue to miss my loving son...this I know, what beauty I saw in my grandchildren faces to the beauty of the leaves Ken is seeing more than our minds will allow..I know Ken is safe in the arms of God.  That does give some peace. I know I will never not wish he was still here with me on this earth.  He will forever be remembered as he was a and is a Great person. So as I titled this journal in sadness I wanted to share that yes we can have some good times too. That we can find joy through our darkness. 
Even though I will shed my tears, I will also enjoy my joy and laughter and my family and friends. It is not easy road for any of us and we have to travel it in our own way. I just hope that when you read this and you feel I will never get better that there is the chance that through your sorrow you will find joy along the way.  Thinking of each of you as you are beginning this heavy road or have been climbing this road for sometime now.  I know Ken wanted me to live while on this earth, but to know one day we will once again Be with our children again.  On that day there will be no more Streaming of tears, there will just be pure joy.