Taxing personality
Today my worry is that I am overtaxing my (I define as friends, but am I) coworkers. I define the relationships as friends because I try very hard to participate in anything that is either inexpensive or free activities, and I care about and try to support everyone in my office, it is only when it costs more than 5 dollars to participate that I can't really participate.
There are three parts to the worry. That I am truly over-taxing which is difficult for other people to deal with. Are these people actually my friends? The last part is that I am garbage because I am not considering other people and how they feel.
The first part is about over-taxing, which if I talk through I am not truly being over-taxing. It might be true that someone doesn't have a minute to talk to me, but that doesn't mean that just because I would like to talk for a moment that I am over-taxing. It just means busy.
It also does not mean that I am garbage or less than anyone else because other people are busy (while I am not).
The other thing that really does worry me is whether or not I have friends. Part of me thinks I do for the above reason, but at the same time, I don't really feel like my friendship with others is reciprocated. I feel like people around me feel like I don't belong here and so I always feel like when they are talking to me that they feel like I am less than everyone else. I always feel like I am less because I feel like everyone is busier than I am, and then I feel like I am over-taxing because I want to talk sometimes, but because everyone else only has five minutes then I feel like I don't get time. I feel like I am available to be there for people, but because most activities involve money in some way that I don't get to be involved. And because I can't really afford to spend money I become even more in the background then my position already makes me. Many times over I just want to feel like I am special, like I am wanted, or liked. Not just appreciated in the background. Not invisible.
Replies
It doesn't sound like you are being overtaxing. You are aware of your co-workers' time constraints and are mindful to keep your interactions short. Overtaxing would be knowing those constraints, but cornering your colleagues for lengthy conversations anyway. At one time, I had a boss who would corner me almost daily for 2+ hours to talk about himself, life, anything on his mind...even though he knew I had tons of work to do and would have to stay late to finish it. THAT is overtaxing! : )
Colleagues can become friends, but it takes time. How long have you been at the job? Maybe they just don't feel like they know you yet? You mention money is an issue. These ideas may seem cheesy, but you could consider periodically leaving bright-colored Post It notes on your colleagues' computers, wishing them a great day. Or, baking some cookies and taking them in to the office (everyone loves food!). If they don't already, your co-workers would view you as someone kind, and they'd naturally value your work contributions even more.
I hope that, over time, you become more comfortable in your role at the office and that you form some lasting friendships. Hugs.
I just went back to your earlier journals about work, and answered some of my own questions. : ) Are you still working at the same place on the larger project? Have you ever made an appt to talk with the top tier about your concerns? It sounds to me like your fellow office workers, as a whole, are self-centered. There isn't anything you can do to change that, but you are entitled to clarification about where you fit in the company.
Ladybug,
I still work at the same place. I meet with the top tier weekly, but my concerns are not heard (or more accurately not listened to).
Some times I wonder if I even actually care about the people that I work with. I don't mean that I don't care about them either, but what I mean is why do I care what they think about me. No matter how many times I have cleaned the office, or been cheerful even when inside my entire being is crying, it doesn't matter. When I am having a bad day no one buys me flowers or a lamp to try and brighten my day or mood (also this is something that everyone in the office has done for each other). Part of me thinks it is because I can't afford to spend money on them, part of me thinks that they don't care that I have bad days.
My position in the company is really simple. My job consists of paying bills, and matching transactions and the record-keeping to go with it. I am still required to be here 40 hours a week, but I finish my work in about 20 hours a week. My complaints go on deaf ears, and so I ask if I can help other people, who all look at me as if I must be crazy because I want to help anyone. I see a lot of double standards, that bother me (mainly because I am the one who doesn't have/get the benefit). Since you have read some of my other journals, you probably remember me saying that technically I don't have a supervisor, except the owner of the company, but he is not really available to me as a supervisor. But the reason that I bring this up is that I see all of the therapists (that I share an office with) have a supervisor to be able to vent about patients, techs, and even their personal lives to, but then I don't get that. Everyone says they are open to listening, but then are too busy to actually be able to.
It sucks even worse when you think about that when my life rains it pours, whereas, most people's don't seem to fall apart.