taught

**possible triggers** i've been thinking a lot about my first rape and what happened during it as far as me fighting....when i was a freshman in high school during gym while the boys were taking basketball the girls all took a self defense class.....i think my year was the first year that they did it.....so they taught us what to do if someone grabbed you from behind and over your arms, behind you and under your arms, grabbed you from the front and under your arms, front and over your arms....they taught us how to break someone's nose, how to twist your arm out of someone's grasp, how to escape from a choke hold if the person is behind you and how to escape from a choke hold if the person is in front of you....they taught us B.K.S.S./Bite Kick Scratch Scream....they told us "if you fight and scream they will let you go, they will go up, they will stop..." they said, "if they have a weapon don't fight do what they say..." the whole fighting thing is really a touchy subject for me.....it's like when people say that people with mental illness are crazy or that Deaf people can't speak.....it really bugs me.......anyway during my first rape after i pushed him away and he had me pinned against him i stopped screaming....as he was stripping me of my clothes i remember thinking, "OH MY GOD!!!!!! this is really happening!!!! what do i do???!!!! what do i do??!!! WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO????!!!!!" then i was on the bed naked and i screamed because "if you fight they will stop" and he pushed down on my breasts to make me stay on the bed and then the towel was in the mouth.....then when he got in the bed and pinned my arms above my head i didn't know what to do.....i was screaming and he was slapping me and he was raping me.....i did what i was taught....i screamed, i fought.......i DID what SCHOOL taught me and he still raped me for 2 1/2 hours....."if you fight and scream they will stop".....all that did was give me a reason to get beaten and strangled.....i got a bloody nose from a slap.....oh yeah, and twisting my arm out of his grasp when he pulled me inches away from his face to threaten me??? didn't work.....not that i really had any strength to do that at the time.....i HATE it when people say that if you fight and scream that they'll stop or let you go or whatever, because that never happened to me.....i don't know...i feel like they prepare you for what the most likely case is....but what if THIS happens??? THEN what???