talking to myself... again
I'm so sick of crying!! Ever time I cry a little I can't get those real sobs out. You know when your chest feels like someone is sitting on it and all you want to do is howl and scream and sob but it won't come out and all you get is a few wimpy little tears.
I just straight out screamed at my boyfriend the other night. I cussed him OUT for leaving me alone all the time, for never supporting me, ignoring it when I'm miserable and everything, GOD IT FELT GOOD. But it did nothing, I'm waiting on him for another night, it's 8:30 here and he's not home still, he's been off work since 5.
My family hasn't even bothered to call me. I've been calling my mom for two days and no one answers the phone or calls me back, merry Christmas ! Thank God I've never really celebrated Christmas anyway so I don't care too much, but it still hurts that this year when it would mean so much to me if my family and boyfriend were gathered around me and supporting me after losing Sophia last year and this last miscarriage last month, that they don't even care enough to ask if I'm ok.
screw them all! Sometimes it's so tempting to just pack all my stuff and leave. My life here isn't going anywhere and I feel like none of these people even love me. My boyfriend doesn't even pay any attention to me or spend time with me. I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall any time I tell him how unhappy I am and then he gets mad when I tell him I'm going to leave his ass.
The sad thing is that I don't think I'll ever leave. I love him too much, I know he loves me. There's really good days along with the bad, it's just that when I miscarried I blamed him for his lack of support and for stressing me out, now there's a gaping hole between us and every little thing he does is like pouring salt into an open wound.
I know it's wrong to blame him for it, he was as scared as me, but... I don't know. After we lost Sophia we stuck together, now all I want is to make him feel as bad as I do because sometimes I look at him and think he's not even suffering, how can this not be eating away at him? Maybe it is, but it honestly doesn't seem like it.
Maybe it's just because I'm the one who had to be pregnant, I went through the physical trauma and now I'm the one who may have to face never having kids. He doesn't understand what I've been through these last 15 months and he never will. I guess that is a good reason for relationship issues. Screw it, I'll be mad if I want to.
I just straight out screamed at my boyfriend the other night. I cussed him OUT for leaving me alone all the time, for never supporting me, ignoring it when I'm miserable and everything, GOD IT FELT GOOD. But it did nothing, I'm waiting on him for another night, it's 8:30 here and he's not home still, he's been off work since 5.
My family hasn't even bothered to call me. I've been calling my mom for two days and no one answers the phone or calls me back, merry Christmas ! Thank God I've never really celebrated Christmas anyway so I don't care too much, but it still hurts that this year when it would mean so much to me if my family and boyfriend were gathered around me and supporting me after losing Sophia last year and this last miscarriage last month, that they don't even care enough to ask if I'm ok.
screw them all! Sometimes it's so tempting to just pack all my stuff and leave. My life here isn't going anywhere and I feel like none of these people even love me. My boyfriend doesn't even pay any attention to me or spend time with me. I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall any time I tell him how unhappy I am and then he gets mad when I tell him I'm going to leave his ass.
The sad thing is that I don't think I'll ever leave. I love him too much, I know he loves me. There's really good days along with the bad, it's just that when I miscarried I blamed him for his lack of support and for stressing me out, now there's a gaping hole between us and every little thing he does is like pouring salt into an open wound.
I know it's wrong to blame him for it, he was as scared as me, but... I don't know. After we lost Sophia we stuck together, now all I want is to make him feel as bad as I do because sometimes I look at him and think he's not even suffering, how can this not be eating away at him? Maybe it is, but it honestly doesn't seem like it.
Maybe it's just because I'm the one who had to be pregnant, I went through the physical trauma and now I'm the one who may have to face never having kids. He doesn't understand what I've been through these last 15 months and he never will. I guess that is a good reason for relationship issues. Screw it, I'll be mad if I want to.
Replies
I\'m sorry you\'re going through such a rough and lonely time. Maybe you could tell your family that you need more support. I understand how you feel about your boyfrriend. I get frustrated at times because I don\'t see my husband reacting very much to our son\'s loss. But I know it hurts him, he just doesn\'t wear his emotions on his sleeve like I do. Hope you feel better and get the support you need and deserve!
Amy