Talked with Christina
I went over to my DIL's tonight to talk to my granddaughter about her feelings about my bond with Kelsey and Donna. I said to Christina that "Grandpops told me that it bothers you when I refer to Donna as my adopted daughter and that you felt hurt that I had bought an angel charm to honor Kelsey before I bought one to honor Daddy." She said, "well I don't want to make you sad." I explained that there is nothing we cannot talk about & that is important to get her feelings out in the open and not carry hurt around -that our family has enough pain to carry around. She then opened up & said that it seems that I am trying to replace her Dad and that I am trying to fill a void. I explained that yes, I would like some of the emptiness to go away but that the hole in my heart can only be filled with Dad but that as I try and integrate the loss into my life I am trying to enjoy other relationships too.
I also explained to her that long before Ed passed I had considered adoption & that her Dad was all for it. She remembered that. I also reminded her that my life's work has been advocating for children. She agreed that all that made sense. And I explained to her that since Ed was my only child I may never hear the word, "Mom" again in this life & that there is a part of me that longs to be a mom and that I have no one to mother now. She & I cried as I explained that & she said she doesn't know how I go on. Christina said that now that she is a mom she doesn't know how she'd survive if anything happened to Iysabella and I said I just pray you never have to know how this feels. She said as hard as it is to live without her Dad she can't even understand how I go on. She then went on to say how angry she is that her Dad got a clean bill of health from the doctor and yet died & how mad she is at God. I told her that its ok to tell God how you feel - He can take it. And I too am mad at what life dealt me/us.
So I asked if we were good & she said "yes." I asked her to speak to me when something hurts her and she said she will. A lot of feelings came out that she'd been carrying around so I am glad we talked.
Thanks to all of you for your support and kind words. It helped me get through the day. Have a good night. Love, Linda
I also explained to her that long before Ed passed I had considered adoption & that her Dad was all for it. She remembered that. I also reminded her that my life's work has been advocating for children. She agreed that all that made sense. And I explained to her that since Ed was my only child I may never hear the word, "Mom" again in this life & that there is a part of me that longs to be a mom and that I have no one to mother now. She & I cried as I explained that & she said she doesn't know how I go on. Christina said that now that she is a mom she doesn't know how she'd survive if anything happened to Iysabella and I said I just pray you never have to know how this feels. She said as hard as it is to live without her Dad she can't even understand how I go on. She then went on to say how angry she is that her Dad got a clean bill of health from the doctor and yet died & how mad she is at God. I told her that its ok to tell God how you feel - He can take it. And I too am mad at what life dealt me/us.
So I asked if we were good & she said "yes." I asked her to speak to me when something hurts her and she said she will. A lot of feelings came out that she'd been carrying around so I am glad we talked.
Thanks to all of you for your support and kind words. It helped me get through the day. Have a good night. Love, Linda
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