Talk with D.... Going thru Grief Again.

I'm really going to have to have a talk with D. 

I'm really having a tough time w/ him coming back into my life even in an innocent way and in the name of just being friends. We left our relationship as friends. But he was the person that I dated for a year before i met MH. And D did not want to get serious. I did. But he didn't. So with sadness, we parted... and we were still friends, but then I met MH.

MH and I belong together in many ways. He's the earth and I am water. He needs something to move him ... and water needs a container. But as far as sex... we haven't had that in ten 9 years. Or I can count on one hand the times that we have. I begged and nagged and cried... but he just wasn't having it. He was raised Catholic and taught that sex was NOT for pleasure, even in marriage and it is to procreate. So, when we married and I was 45, sex can to a screeching halt in my life. We had some kind of sexual activity before marriage. But that abruptly ended. I finally quit begging..... I finally resigned and just gave up. And actually I had more peace after stopping the expectation. I also moved out of the bedroom bc of physical reasons... and bc I felt the distance. WE still hug and kiss on the lips. But it's never romantic. If I try to go there. ... he cuts me off.

The problem w/ D... we had so much fun in the sack. omg... and now that he has called me out of NOWHERE... I don't even know why he did actually. I hadn't heard from him in 13 or more years. I know I hadn't talked to him. But it's making me feel grief for what me and MH do not have. I guess bc I "have memories"... and I miss intimacy. 

So, I am going to have to tell D that I can't stay in touch. He mentioned me coming to see his remodel of his house if I go visit my daughter... they both live in the same town actually... or big hugantic city. But I can't risk seeing him. I just can't. I don't think it's wise. I know we parted as friends but there is a huge hole in my marriage... and I might still be very attracted to him. I don't know. I know that I once was and for a whole year. 

Now I'm feeling grief.... and the hole feels very huge.

Part of it is ... since MH took this new job, he is EXHAUSTED ALL THE TIME. He never feels good. He hurts. He is tired. I feel sorry for him but his personality has changed. And i get it. Hell, I have RA. I know and understand pain. So I feel us pulling apart even more. And I feel somewhat of a deeper chasm... now D has showed up in the picture. 

Just not a good idea to stoke the fire of heated memories .... when my husband is so not wanting me to even kiss him. I don't want to be vulnerable. 

I'm going to just have to tell D that I can't be in touch. And I think I can even tell him why. I think we knew each other well enough for me to be honest. I just hate it.

A man came early this morning to give us an estimate on sanding and staining the floors. It's going to be like moving out. My whole classroom is going to have to go  OUT of the house. The dust is going to fly. And I am teaching 3 days next week and the week after.

So... how am I supposed to go to work very early in the morning and then sleep while a huge noisy sander is going in the rest of the house? And my classroom can't be here while he is working. It will get full of dirt/ dust.

I told MH today that I am going to have to not even be here. I said, what am i supposed to do while he sands and varnishes? Sit in the kitchen or on my bed (my br is already finished ).... for 8 hours while he works? And breath dust? That won't work. So I'm planning on going to CO. 

Really I am going to housesit, I think. It's right by where my daughter lives, so it won't matter. I can just haul my classroom up there and be there and my daughter can come visit me if she wants. Then in 7 days i can come back home w/ my classroom. 

I am supposed to find out tomorrow if the guy wants me to house sit or not at his place. It is beautiful. In the mtns. Looking out over the 14ers of Colorado. 45 minutes from Denver. Way up on a mountain in a one bedroom house. Big windows and a huge deck. It might be perfect bc really i don't want to stay w/ my daughter for a week. That always spells disaster. And I don't want to stay at my mom's for a week. The only thing I can think is to stay at my aunt's for a week. But ???

I think I will just marinate on that tonight and I told him to give me an answer tomorrow. It might do me and MH some good to be apart for a while. I really think it might. 

The next few days I need to box the trinkets of the house... and put them in the garage. I will let hubbie deal with the huge things. I can't move those any way. I think I will hire some of my friend's grandaughters to help me. They can be a big help. So tomorrow I need to get boxes, packing tape, and newspaper. ... and just do a little at a time during the day.

I will have to pace myself. The thing is.. I can't get too down before driving to CO. That would not be good. 

So we will see. TRUST. FAITH. BELIEVE. LIVE. BE.

namaste. Ginger