Taking Time To Process Things

After my usual habit of reacting quickly, feeling hurt and hopeless and again doubting myself, I did step back and take a look at what exactly was said. I realize the attorney was simply trying to do his job and prepare me with all the facts and possibilities I could be looking at. 

First off I was thrown as I expected a woman attorney . Being welcomed by some studly young thing was a little intimidating.  He asks if I have considered whether I have thought this out and will be able to make it on my own.  I had the numbers and logistics written down except for one or two .  (Not exact on his disability but in the ballpark and no clue of his redistribution portfolio. Can't just bring that up)  I tell him I think I take home a bit more than his disability, he mentions there is a possibilty he could hit me with spousal support.  Says HE needs to have money to live on his own as well.)  At this point I am feeling like a poor frumpy housewife who is expected by even this guy (as he is one of the boys club) to make sure to worry and care about the hubby.   WHAT THE FUCK?  WHY IS THIS STILL MY CONCERN?  

At this point I feel myself tearing up and asking  what ifs... what if he goes that route and refuses to sign or agree to anything? I will be left a virtual prisoner to this life, house and marriage as I see it. Says I could walk away just foreclose on the house... or declare bankruptcy.  Both will kill my credit (which is already a bit bruised) and he was not exactly sure if my ESOP and 401k would be lost  because of the bankruptcy  (said usually retirement accts are left alone, but couldn't be sure til he checked.  ) And he couldn't check on the missing or inexact amts missing from our total history til he had his retainer in his hot little hands.   Makes sense, but before I dealt with a Mickey Mouse version of this guy and their firm. She started checking into things and took no money til the papers were filed and served.  

What I also need to bare in mind is that I am not sure of his income, or the amts that were reinvested from his ESOP. They were substantial (even after he took a healthy chunk as a penalty to use toward debt)  I am also assuming the worst about the house. I am thinking the  amt we still owe is about all we get as it needs work.  If I think about it, get it all cleaned up and take care of a few necessities (in my mind anyway) if we get it appraised it may be worth a smidge more than  that and that would help close out the last debt.   So perhaps is not as bleak as I think. 

My next problem is to hold my head up and not feel so inferior next time I do see the attorney. Is still very hard for me  to put myself in the same category as these powerful gorgeous put together people . (I feel kinda like gum stuck on the bottom of their shoes) I NEED to remember that I am hiring them to work for and represent me. In the end even they cannot tell me what I have to do.  I do believe I am in control of my own destiny. Scary thought.