Taking Care of Business
...everyone else's that is.
It has been really difficult for me to write lately. I've been on auto-pilot for so long now that I probably couldn't "fly solo" if I wanted to. If I actually stopped and thought about it before I got out of bed in the morning, I wouldn't get up at all. During the week I'm expected to be at work at a certain time, so I am. When my alarms go off I hit the snooze every 7 and 10 minutes for an hour before I force myself out of bed, jump in the shower and throw on whatever pair of scrubs is clean and handy. I can be ready and out the door in 15 minutes. On weekends I only get up when and if I have something I absolutely have to do or one of the kids needs something. I envy people who can get up after the first alarm--or even just one "snooze"--and go about a morning routine. They maybe exercise, eat breakfast, read the paper, tidy up the house a little....and do whatever else people who enjoy their lives do.
I dread waking up in the morning--or the afternoon, as the case may be! My first thought is usually, "Oh. It's morning. I'm still alive. Damn!" I barely drag myself through the day fixing messes and putting out fires that I didn't start because that's what I do. I've spent years trying to figure out what it is I'd like to do with my life instead and I have yet to come up with an answer. I never aspired to an exciting career or travel or having tons of money. I hadn't even planned to go to college. I have my high school guidance counselor to thank for pushing me to take college prep and Advanced Placement courses and apply for scholarships. I probably wouldn't have done that either if I hadn't been forced to choose between going to college to find a husband (yes, I admit it, I went for my MRS. degree) and living at home with my grandmother for the rest of my natural life.
All I wanted was what I never had as a child....the same thing I still don't have and probably never WILL have. A close, loving family. I wanted 4 kids, a husband who loved me and who had lots of siblings so my kids could grow up with lots of cousins, and....that's about it. Needless to say that's not working out too well for me. Granted, I got the husband and 4 kids, but out of his 3 siblings, only one had kids (2) who we rarely ever saw. And close? My first son (25) and my youngest daughter (18) are close, in that they actually LIKE each other (they're the two who got matching tattoos with me). The rest of them either hate each other or just "tolerate" each other. Nobody gets along with Dad.
I read the post in "Divorce after Twenty Years" about finding your "true passion" in life. I just really don't think I have one. I have no visible talents. I'm moderately competant at many different things, good at a few, but there is absolutely NOTHING that I excell in. There are things I've been interested in, but nothing I really WANT to pursue. I would love to be an "expert" at something---besides people-pleasing, perfectionism, self-loathing, procrastination, fear, guilt, shame, and a whole bunch of other things that come quite naturally to me. While I was home raising my kids I thought about all the great things I could do when they grew up and I had time to myself. Oh, I didn't have any specific plans, I just wanted to pursue the elusive "passion". The one I realized I don't possess.
Of course I STILL don't really have real "time to myself" since I'm stuck with my grandson. I know it sounds really horrible, but I did my time. I stayed home all day with 4 kids. Except for when I was taking them to baseball, band, swim team, gymnastics, doctors, dentists, working as a lunch mom, boy scouts, girl scouts (I was even my oldest daughter's scout leader for 6 years), working overnight part time stocking shelves at Target, carting them off to play with their friends, go to the mall, take them to and pick them up from work, or the police station because they got caught doing some stupid thing AGAIN. And my husband worked late, came home for dinner that I was expected to produce nightly so we could eat together as a family, and then he went back to work. And he worked weekends. And he is salaried so he didn't even make more money for his hours.
It's not that I don't have the energy level I had when I was younger, I just don't WANT to do it all again. It's even harder now because I work full time and have a 2 1/2 hour commute daily. When I come home the last thing in the world I want to do is sword fight or answer 5000 questions or go to the park. I don't feel like going to the mall to get new clothes and shoes because he's growing like a weed or figure out who's going to take off work to get him to the doctor for his physical. I have enough stress without the added worry about whether his slight fever is going to turn into something that's going to necessitate calling in sick because he can't go to daycare even though he really isn't sick or contagious. And I especially don't want to hear my husband complaining that he feels like a "single parent" because I don't get home until 7 or later and he has to do most of the "care-taking".
So, no, I don't rejoice at the beginning of a new day and I feel horrible and ungrateful and all those things self-righteous people say I SHOULD feel. But each new day doesn't feel like a new adventure, a new beginning, a new chance.... It isn't exciting. It isn't hopeful. It's more of the same old stuff and more than likely some new stuff that isn't going to be pleasant....New problems I can't solve.... New opportunities to fail in new ways....New worries and sorrows.....New reminders of the fact that it could ALL be tolerable if only I had a real partner, somebody to help carry the burden. And, no, Jesus can NOT take on my burdens. Well, maybe He CAN, but he hasn't volunteered YET.
I just want to be loved. By a real flesh-and-blood person on earth right here and now. Is that so wrong?
It has been really difficult for me to write lately. I've been on auto-pilot for so long now that I probably couldn't "fly solo" if I wanted to. If I actually stopped and thought about it before I got out of bed in the morning, I wouldn't get up at all. During the week I'm expected to be at work at a certain time, so I am. When my alarms go off I hit the snooze every 7 and 10 minutes for an hour before I force myself out of bed, jump in the shower and throw on whatever pair of scrubs is clean and handy. I can be ready and out the door in 15 minutes. On weekends I only get up when and if I have something I absolutely have to do or one of the kids needs something. I envy people who can get up after the first alarm--or even just one "snooze"--and go about a morning routine. They maybe exercise, eat breakfast, read the paper, tidy up the house a little....and do whatever else people who enjoy their lives do.
I dread waking up in the morning--or the afternoon, as the case may be! My first thought is usually, "Oh. It's morning. I'm still alive. Damn!" I barely drag myself through the day fixing messes and putting out fires that I didn't start because that's what I do. I've spent years trying to figure out what it is I'd like to do with my life instead and I have yet to come up with an answer. I never aspired to an exciting career or travel or having tons of money. I hadn't even planned to go to college. I have my high school guidance counselor to thank for pushing me to take college prep and Advanced Placement courses and apply for scholarships. I probably wouldn't have done that either if I hadn't been forced to choose between going to college to find a husband (yes, I admit it, I went for my MRS. degree) and living at home with my grandmother for the rest of my natural life.
All I wanted was what I never had as a child....the same thing I still don't have and probably never WILL have. A close, loving family. I wanted 4 kids, a husband who loved me and who had lots of siblings so my kids could grow up with lots of cousins, and....that's about it. Needless to say that's not working out too well for me. Granted, I got the husband and 4 kids, but out of his 3 siblings, only one had kids (2) who we rarely ever saw. And close? My first son (25) and my youngest daughter (18) are close, in that they actually LIKE each other (they're the two who got matching tattoos with me). The rest of them either hate each other or just "tolerate" each other. Nobody gets along with Dad.
I read the post in "Divorce after Twenty Years" about finding your "true passion" in life. I just really don't think I have one. I have no visible talents. I'm moderately competant at many different things, good at a few, but there is absolutely NOTHING that I excell in. There are things I've been interested in, but nothing I really WANT to pursue. I would love to be an "expert" at something---besides people-pleasing, perfectionism, self-loathing, procrastination, fear, guilt, shame, and a whole bunch of other things that come quite naturally to me. While I was home raising my kids I thought about all the great things I could do when they grew up and I had time to myself. Oh, I didn't have any specific plans, I just wanted to pursue the elusive "passion". The one I realized I don't possess.
Of course I STILL don't really have real "time to myself" since I'm stuck with my grandson. I know it sounds really horrible, but I did my time. I stayed home all day with 4 kids. Except for when I was taking them to baseball, band, swim team, gymnastics, doctors, dentists, working as a lunch mom, boy scouts, girl scouts (I was even my oldest daughter's scout leader for 6 years), working overnight part time stocking shelves at Target, carting them off to play with their friends, go to the mall, take them to and pick them up from work, or the police station because they got caught doing some stupid thing AGAIN. And my husband worked late, came home for dinner that I was expected to produce nightly so we could eat together as a family, and then he went back to work. And he worked weekends. And he is salaried so he didn't even make more money for his hours.
It's not that I don't have the energy level I had when I was younger, I just don't WANT to do it all again. It's even harder now because I work full time and have a 2 1/2 hour commute daily. When I come home the last thing in the world I want to do is sword fight or answer 5000 questions or go to the park. I don't feel like going to the mall to get new clothes and shoes because he's growing like a weed or figure out who's going to take off work to get him to the doctor for his physical. I have enough stress without the added worry about whether his slight fever is going to turn into something that's going to necessitate calling in sick because he can't go to daycare even though he really isn't sick or contagious. And I especially don't want to hear my husband complaining that he feels like a "single parent" because I don't get home until 7 or later and he has to do most of the "care-taking".
So, no, I don't rejoice at the beginning of a new day and I feel horrible and ungrateful and all those things self-righteous people say I SHOULD feel. But each new day doesn't feel like a new adventure, a new beginning, a new chance.... It isn't exciting. It isn't hopeful. It's more of the same old stuff and more than likely some new stuff that isn't going to be pleasant....New problems I can't solve.... New opportunities to fail in new ways....New worries and sorrows.....New reminders of the fact that it could ALL be tolerable if only I had a real partner, somebody to help carry the burden. And, no, Jesus can NOT take on my burdens. Well, maybe He CAN, but he hasn't volunteered YET.
I just want to be loved. By a real flesh-and-blood person on earth right here and now. Is that so wrong?
Replies
Among the many things I learned in my own 18 Months of Hell, I learned that UNTIL I came to LOVE MYSELF, it was ridiculous to think that someone else would be able to truly love me.
You sound horribly depressed, my dear. I urge you to seek help for this very human condition. A good therapist and, perhaps, the right meds could make a HUGE change in the way you feel.
Yeah. I\'m painfully aware of the truth in what you say about loving yourself. I\'ve been seeing a therapist for the last 12 years. I\'ve tried a LOT of different meds in various combinations. I\'ve been hospitalized 5 times in the last 10 yrs.
What it all boils down to is that I have some seriously harmful core beliefs that I haven\'t yet been able to change and that my upbringing built and my marriage reinforced. I told my psychiatrist that no amount of medication is going to help unless he gives it to my family.
Therapy has helped me to be aware of the \'why\' of my feelings, I just still struggle with how to deal with them. Some days are better than others. Sometimes I just crash and burn. It\'s hard because I tend to be oversensitive and I\'m trying to find my place in an insensitive world.
But I keep working on trying not to beat myself up too much. I take the meds my psychiatrist prescribes and follow his suggestions as well as those of my therapist, other people who have gone through experiences similar to mine. I just get SO VERY TIRED of it all. I get so overwhelmed. Even taking baby steps. The things I have written in my journal barely scratch the surface of everything going on in my life. Sometimes it takes everything I have just to breathe.
I don\'t expect anyone to have the answers. I know I have to find them for myself. It just helps me to clarify things when I write them down.
I do thank you for caring and taking the time to read and comment on my thoughts.
I wish you could find one thing.....remember Curly in the \"City Slicker\" movies? His secret to life was \"just one thing\"....
My point for you is that I would like you to have one thing you do for no one but yourself.....Take a walk, just for yourself...no baby, no cell phone. If you can\'t spare the money for a manicure, give yourself one with no interruptions, and no 15 minutes either! Give yourself an hour or two and you have to shut the world out, shut your thoughts down to only you. Again, no cell phone, no worries for your time....A hot bubble bath with headphones on? Candles?
I know some of the steps are hard, even the baby steps, because there will always be someone who thinks your time is better spent catering to their needs...but only you can make yourself the priority...
\"Ah...therein lies the rub....\"
My psychiatrist has been telling me the same thing for years. Then he switched to \"do one thing differently\" (hence the tattoo--didn\'t work). Unfortunately, none of the things you mentioned give me any pleasure. All the things people think of as pampering themselves feel like chores to me--OR--they are associated with very unpleasant memories. OR, they cost money that at this point is allocated to essential things. OR, they\'re bad for you and cause more trouble than pleasure down the road--like alcohol, over-eating, over-spending, and a few other things I\'ve tried over the years for relief from the pain.
I know I sound like I\'m being extremely difficult, and you DO have excellent suggestions. But if the idea is to do something just for myself, trust me, it would NOT be shopping, I HATE baths with a passion, and I can\'t stand my nails being even to the tips of my fingers--nothing to manicure! I\'ve had a membership to Lifetime Fitness for years, but it\'s boring sitting alone in the hot tub, or steam room, or sauna. And no matter how long I have tried to become \"addicted\" to exercise, there is just NO WAY! At one point in time I went to aerobics three or four times per week and did strength training regularly for more than a year. I did get fit, and while I looked better, I can honestly say that I didn\'t feel any better. I didn\'t sleep better, eat better, feel less depressed or more energetic. And when I stopped going I sure as hell didn\'t have \"withdrawl\"!
I COULD get into a nice long massage or having someone wash my hair, but see, then we get into either money or having to have someone else involved. You\'ll also notice that both of those things involve having someone else touch me, which is really the basic issue, as we have discussed before. I have looked into volunteering to be the practice dummy at the chiropractic college a few towns over and with massage therapy programs at the community college. I\'ve thought about \"bartering\" my skills in tax preparation or whatever else, to manage the cash aspect, but so far no luck. I even went so far as to look into becoming a massage therapist myself!! Then I could touch people--appropriately--as well as get free massages as a guinea pig! AND, it would be a great way to supplement my income. I ultimately ruled it out because I found it caused my carpal tunnel to flare up too much.
See, I really HAVE given a lot of thought into finding something \"just for me\". That\'s one of the things that makes everything so difficult and why I have tried so diligently to discover my \"passion\" in life. Even if something seems unpleasant, or like \"work\" to someone else, if you enjoy it, you have a great time and to you it doesn\'t seem like work at all. It gives you that reason to get up in the morning.
So far the only things in my life that give me pleasure involve doing things for other people or making other people happy, which kind of defeats the purpose. But see, everything is tied in to my core beliefs about myself and my perceived value as a person (or lack there-of). If other people think I\'m worth something, then I am. And I need to FEEL like I have a value. \"Knowing\" it to be a fact, as in all people have value in this world just by virtue of being alive, isn\'t good enough. I know it should be, but it isn\'t.
I haven\'t been able to re-assess myself in realistic terms. I haven\'t been able to shut out the old tapes and programming from my childhood and the continued reinforcement by my husband. I\'ve worked on challenging the negative thoughts and the voices I hear that tell me I\'m worthless--and I haven\'t given up. I just need to find a more effective way to do it because it gets downright EXHAUSTING! There are so many constantly bombarding me--lot\'s I\'m not even aware of!! I start arguing with myself and then berating myself for arguing and then realizing that I\'m doing it again!!
Imagine discovering that nearly everything you\'ve been taught about yourself by the people who supposedly loved you the most is wrong! It\'s almost inconceivable that it could be possible. What do you believe? Who do you trust? Which parts are true?? My first impulse is to reject anything that doesn\'t fit with who I \"think\" I am. My judgement is so skewed, I don\'t know who to believe any more. I can\'t trust my feelings about others, but I sure can\'t trust my feelings about myself.
Logic tells me that at best, defining yourself by other people\'s values is just that. It\'s THEIR perception and it might not be correct. It\'s like looking in one of those \"fun-house\" mirrors. Sometimes it\'s obvious that your image is distorted, but it\'s all you have to work with. But other times things appear fine, when actually they\'re just as distorted as with the other mirror.
I know all these things. I believe all these things. I\'ve done everything I\'m \"supposed to do\". And I DO want to change, despite being told from time to time that I MUST just enjoy being miserable. But for some reason I just haven\'t been able to get those damned \"core beliefs\" of mine to budge an inch. I\'ve been trying to \"fake it til I make it\" for longer than I care to say. It just ain\'t happening. Like when you try to play poker with yourself. Really hard to bluff!!
Or, maybe I DO love being miserable. I\'m good enough at it! Or, maybe I just need to dump the WHTBX (my new name for him, Want Him To Be eX). But that still won\'t change who I AM.......or will it???
\"Calgon, take me away!\" Oh--wait--I don\'t like baths. Guess I better get a lotto ticket!!
You are amazingly good at not feeling \"good\"!
And I\'m not saying that to be mean or to hurt you....but it does seem that your \"programming\" has gotten in so deep and been reinforced for so long, that it is tough for you no matter what you do. I hope that this toxic life you are in right now will stop having such a negative effect on you when you get away from it. But in the meantime you should keep trying...I know, that sounds like the same old broken record from therapists, but it\'s true...we all have \"triggers\" that make us sad and take us back to bad situations, and like wise, we never know when something will \"trigger\" us to be happy.....Keep trying, keep trying, keep trying.....