Taking a toll
Finally getting worn down physically and emotionally feel as though my body is just failing me or maybe I am failing my body, not sure which anymore. Seems I find something I can eat and within days I have a reaction to that food. Just tired of the bullshit, tired of doctors, tired of running to the jon, tired of the nausea, tired of the pain. Makes me wonder how much the human body can take before completely failing. Sad to say but this morning kinda wish my body would just give up and let my spirit go, let me have peace and no more of this. What a horrible thought that is but cant help it, very selfish. Cant see the forest for the trees in my way. Want to have a resolution to all this but I know that is never going to happen. The rest of my life seems like an eternity right now and is scaring the hell out of me. I mean will I even be able to function in ten years, 20 years or 30. Need to focus on today and let the rest take care of itself, looking ahead and behind is a recipe for disaster and no good can come from it. At this very moment in my life Jan. 2, 2012 10:05 am I need to make the decision to either run and hide or never give up. Strange how every path and every decision I have ever made has brought me to where I am this very day, this moment. Could I have changed this outcome, when I was 20 years old was there a road I did not take that could have changed all this or maybe when I was 12, 17, 27 or 35 I just dont know. Sorry to say I will never know and will forever wonder. I guess the only thing that matters now is the decisions I make at this very moment. To be a kind person with compassion for others and be a good husband and father is about the best I can do, to be strong and be a good role model for my son. That is where every road has brought me to at this moment in life. I hope I can look back on this day many years from now and know I made the right choices, be proud of who I am and to realize that the fight was worth the scars I got along the way. Never retreat, never surrender. The day I close my eyes for the last time I know I will smile knowing my life had meaning and that I never ever quit.
Replies
I\'m so sorry to hear that you are doing so poorly. Please don\'t give up on life!! Your wife and son need you in their lives as do so many other people I\'m sure. Please have faith that the Lord will look after you and see you through this terrible time. I know how you feel, I think we have all been there, but please don\'t give up hope for a better future! Stay strong!!
All my prayers are with you dear friend!! I truly hope you feel better soon!!
Lots of hugs your way,
Jean
The only way out of it is through it, know what I mean? This too shall pass.
We\'re with you Charlie.
Sorry to hear that you\'re going down that horrible path again. These diseases are so frustrating...with the total unpredictable nature of them. I know that you have given me an inspirational \"boost\" when I needed it, and I hope I can do the same for you. I know that from my own experience, it\'s hard to feel hopeful and positive when you physically feel so lousy...but remember a short time ago; you felt a bit better and you will get there again. You are a very strong person and a good friend. Try to ride this out and know that we are all here for you.
I know this journal entry is from almost 8 months ago, but I did want to comment.
I can so identify with almost everything you said here. Our loved ones care so very much and it\'s hard (for me) to know the added stress illness puts on them. BUT, I don\'t think people who don\'t live it, can ever fully understand that it\'s like not being able to take a vacation from it totally..It\'s IN us, so it goes wherever we go, day..and night..Nights are the hardest sometimes for me.
I am so pleased you chose to fight and give it your all. That\'s the choice I have made, as well. Have my moments though...I\'m also dealing with some other health issues that I\'m trying to wrap my brain around.
For ME..My faith and trust is that God will see me through..so matter the journey.
Just wanted you to know I got so much out of you sharing your thoughts here..It was brave and it was honest and heartfelt and I thank you for sharing.
Rachel